WAL-MART from page 93
that bedlam.” According to Tyler, 31, as soon as the
couple were safely within the quiet confines of Tyler’s car, both breathed a loud sigh of relief, sparking a discussion of
the events that transpired and
their oath to “never, ever, ever have unprotected sex. Ever.” “All those crazed midgets
running
around screaming completely insane nonsense at the top of their lungs, babies bawling uncontrollably over who knows what – it was overwhelming,” said Slansky. “Out of the eight billion kids in that madhouse I don’t think I saw a single child that wasn’t somehow contributing to that whirlwind nightmare.” Tyler agreed, noting that some of the
parents they encountered were either unwilling or unable to control the scene, or have somehow developed a tolerance or ability to block out the continual influx of lawlessness created by their kin. “About half of them spent more time
REVIEWER from page 93
Popularity does nothing but corrupt the emotional impact of the music and the integrity of the artist.” Coworkers said that Augustine spends
every year in excited anticipation of being able to bestow his almighty approval on releases by bands whose names readers won’t even recognize let alone be in any position to disagree. “Last year, for example, Dwayne was
so excited to rate DePedro’s DePedro as his number one [album] for the year,” said fellow Metro Times music reviewer Sheila McBride. “Now maybe I’m alone here, but who in the hogfuck Jesus is DePedro? Like he’s not just picking that to show off how aware he is of every musician in the universe that maybe twenty other people have even heard of. Myself, I picked Bob Dylan’s Together Trough Life as my number one. At least people have heard of Dylan.” Metro Times editor Chris Farmer said
that although he can’t agree or disagree with Augustine’s Top 10 list, having never heard of any of the artists highlighted in the yearend wrap-up article, he doesn’t mind allowing the snobby young critic license to “go nuts with his all-important list.” “We don’t pay these writers shit, so if
Dwayne’s end of the year chest-beating keeps him around writing reviews for peanuts for us year aſter year, I’m not going to rock the boat,” said Farmer. “In fact, now that you’ve got me thinking about it, I’ll bet I could even charge Dwayne
for printing his big, fancy
list every year. I’ll have to think about doing that. I’ll bet he’d pay it – it’s that important to him.” According to fellow writers, Augustine
goes so far as to eliminate any release from his Top 10 list if he becomes aware that any other Best Of list includes an album he had originally intended to award with his approval. “I remember back in 2002, when Wilco’s
Yankee Hotel Foxtrot was cited as the best CD of the year by almost every music critic on Earth, he took them right off his
yelling at their kids and threatening them with every punishment known to man than doing any actually shopping,” said Tyler. “You know, somebody ought to open a vasectomy clinic right next door to Wal-Mart. Any right-thinking single male walking through Wal-Mart would immediately go right over there and sign up. Tey’d make a mint.” Slansky, 29, admitted that she had always
considered bearing children at some point in her life until her recent exposure to the onslaught of sugar-upped children overrunning the chaotic supercenter. “Tere isn’t enough Xanax in the world
that could get me through having to deal with that sort of stuff every single day,” said Slansky. “So unless there’s some way to drop off your newborn at daycare and pick him up about twelve years later – aſter the child has got all that yelling and crying out of its system – there’s no way in hell I’m having a kid, if that’s an accurate example of what it’s like to parent a child.”
A page from the Recoil handbook... Winter Driving Tips
Winter weather oſten presents extremely hazardous driving conditions. Below are some guidelines for negotiating winter’s volatile driving environments:
• Putting chains on your car’s tires will prevent your tires from escaping.
• Get your car tuned up by a mechanic for the winter season. The car’s driver should get tuned up by a bartender before driving anywhere.
• It is very important to check the battery and charging system for your iPod before leaving home.
• Install brand new wipers in place of your old ones that leave streaks or completely miss an area of your windshield. Wow, notice the difference? No? Tat’s because there isn’t any.
• Check your tires’ pressure. Winter driving puts a lot of pressure on your tires to perform well, and the last thing you want is to rely on tires that are all stressed-out from the constant pressure. Medicate your tires regularly with Xanax if you feel they are right on the verge of exploding.
• During winter you should drive a rear-wheel-drive car if possible. Then you can whip doughnuts and slide around turns and all that cool-ass shit.
list, even though that album was
practically all he listened to all year,” said McBride. “Plus, that album went on to sell half a million copies – a fact Dwayne to this day still brings up, insisting that Wilco went too commercial with that record.” An inside source wishing to remain
anonymous reported that he or she had gotten a peek at a rough draſt of Augustine’s 2010 list, confirming that this year’s article will indeed be “another of his, ‘Hey, everybody, look at me. Look at all the obscure music I know about and how much better it
is than what
everybody else listens to.’” “I saw a handwritten list of the albums
he’s considering,” said the source. “At the top, numbered one with a big box drawn around it was Titus Andronicus’ 65-minute concept album Te Monitor, which sold all of about fiſteen copies. I might put it in my Top Ten list just to piss him off. Tat would be a riot. He’d never live it down.” According to the source, written
below Te Monitor were other titles Augustine is considering blessing with a position in his ultra-pretentious list, including Pantha du Prince’s Black Noise, Oneohtrix Point Never’s Returnal, Das Racist’s Shut Up Dude, Liars’ Sisterworld and Max Richter’s Infra. Asked how reviewers such as Augustine
earn their credentials as professional music critics, Farmer replied, “Beats me. I don’t think it’s something you can go to college for or anything like that. I think you just have to say, ‘I’m a music critic,’ and then you are one. But don’t you dare tell Dwayne I said that or I’ll have to listen to an endless stream of his bullshit about his being highly regarded in the music community as ‘an educated and experienced tastemaker’ or some crap.”
• Add a block heater – a small electric engine heater that plugs into your home electricity outlets – to ensure that your car will start even on the coldest of days. Also, you’ll need to buy about 250 miles of extension cord.
• If you own an all-wheel-drive vehicle featuring antilock brakes, traction control and stability control, your own a great winter car. If your vehicle is also equipped with a 120mm smoothbore gun and barrel, it’s not a car – it’s a Merkava Mark IV battle tank, so make sure your auto insurance reflects this difference.
• Buy four brand new snow tires. Surely you have the extra money just laying around, considering the state of the economy.
• Store some basic supplies in your trunk: snowbrush, ice scraper, shovel, bag of sand, jumper cables, flashlight, first aid kit, boots, blanket, change of clothes, shaving kit, shampoo, K rations, metal detector, frag grenade, eight-foot ladder, weightliſting bench, forensics kit, ice cream scooper and cyanide tablet.
• You should shorten the distance you usually allow when following another car. By getting up really, really close, you’ll be able to drive in their tracks.
• Stay back at least 15 car lengths from snowplows, unless it’s the final lap and a second-place finish simply isn’t going to be enough to stay in contention for the 2013 NASCAR Sprint Cup Championship.
recoilmag.com page 95
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48 |
Page 49 |
Page 50 |
Page 51 |
Page 52 |
Page 53 |
Page 54 |
Page 55 |
Page 56 |
Page 57 |
Page 58 |
Page 59 |
Page 60 |
Page 61 |
Page 62 |
Page 63 |
Page 64 |
Page 65 |
Page 66 |
Page 67 |
Page 68 |
Page 69 |
Page 70 |
Page 71 |
Page 72 |
Page 73 |
Page 74 |
Page 75 |
Page 76 |
Page 77 |
Page 78 |
Page 79 |
Page 80 |
Page 81 |
Page 82 |
Page 83 |
Page 84 |
Page 85 |
Page 86 |
Page 87 |
Page 88 |
Page 89 |
Page 90 |
Page 91 |
Page 92 |
Page 93 |
Page 94 |
Page 95 |
Page 96 |
Page 97 |
Page 98 |
Page 99 |
Page 100 |
Page 101 |
Page 102 |
Page 103 |
Page 104 |
Page 105 |
Page 106 |
Page 107 |
Page 108 |
Page 109