HOROSCOPES
Aries (March 21 to April 19) Considering the stock market’s recent volatility, male Aries would be wise to pull everything out for a while – by that I mean, of course, don’t have any children. Regardless of the emotional rewards, the financial obligation of having a child is as massive and lengthy as your exaggerated description of your procreative tool. Keep both that thing and your wallet in the safest place for them: in your pants.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20) Alcoholic Taurus understands that nothing chases away the blues as effectively as a legal depressant. Everyone needs an emotional crutch; most people, however, choose to fill their internal void with extra helpings of pork chops rather than pints of vodka. Fortunately for Taurus, being a boozer is far more fashionable and socially acceptable than being fat, so stick with your liquid diet until further notice.
Gemini (May 21 to June 20) Carving your own idealistic world out of bookmarked Internet sites and unrealistic romance novels is certainly a lot easier and far more interesting than actually living life; Gemini enjoys tooling along on a self-constructed highway of daydreams, rather than joining everyone else in the one-lane traffic jam of the Real World. But remember, making good time on a smooth road doesn’t mean much if you have no destination.
Cancer (June 21 to July 22) Sickly Cancer shouldn’t waste time going to a doctor – those holier-than-thou pen jockeys know absolutely nothing about the human body. Doctors merely see symptoms such as enlarged prostates and swollen glands as catalysts for enlarging their swollen wallets. Save your money – there’s no ailment that Nyquil, Ipecac, or Elmer’s Glue can’t patch, or at least numb, until your body can repair itself.
Leo (July 23 to August 22) Now is as good of a time as any for Leo to get back on the Jesus train. By my watch, it’s been at least eight years since one of those righteous salesmen otherwise known as evangelists got his own words thrown back at him by a Federal Court judge. Send checks to whichever of these suspicious geeks seem most capable of securing you an advance ticket to heaven’s big aſterlife party, which is sure to be a sold out event.
Virgo (August 23 to September 22) Virgo’s wardrobe is ugly enough to embarrass a rodeo clown. Even poodles dressed up in sweaters uglier than Poland’s national flag look at you wondering, “I don’t much like wearing this, but I’d choke myself to death with my own tongue before putting THAT on.” Revert to letting your mother dress you – you’ll be subject to accurate ridicule, but at least you’ll have somebody else to blame.
Libra (September 23 to October 22) Te fine print of your marriage license makes no provision for physically “letting yourself go” aſter the ink is dry; regardless of the hassle of maintaining your impressive mane of hair, female nymphomaniac Libra has no choice but to suppress the urge to cut
page 28
it short. Te moment your hair becomes short
is the moment your husband will
develop a perpetual headache – a sexual hindrance that can destroy a marriage quicker than winning the lottery.
Scorpio (October 23 to November 21) Unless Scorpio’s attempts on the mailman’s life become more successful, wedding invitations will continue to appear in your mailbox – just what you need, more bills. Purchasing a giſt for the couple is fine as long as you deem it a wise investment; there’s no sense dropping a bill on a wedding present when you suspect the couple’s marriage license has a divorce application stapled right to it.
Sagittarius(November22to December 21) Depressed Sagittarius should bear
in
mind that happiness is not a human right guaranteed in the Constitution – it’s an elusive emotion that pokes through the gray clouds only about as oſten as the sun in Seattle. Depression is the human mind’s natural emotional state – the result of having too oſten stumbled upon one of life’s golden gooses, only to discover that it’s had a hysterectomy.
Capricorn (December 22 to January 19) Your intended sexual promiscuity can be blamed on Capricorn’s vagabond nature. Your failure to achieve said promiscuity, however, stems from a deep-rooted fear of STDs and the opposite sex’s aversion to your cheapskate,
“go Dutch” dating
protocol. If finding potential dating material seems impossible, try trolling the local plasma clinics – where everyone is blood-disease free and bleeding their way to being able to pay their own way.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18) Condoms
are great protection against
unwanted pregnancy, but Aquarius should be aware that condoms do have expiration dates. And unlike expired mayonnaise, which will merely make you sick to your stomach for one day, expired condoms oſten make the female’s stomach upset for nine months. Check your wallet for dated digits before stepping out on that date – the heat of passion rarely allows for last minute inspection.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20) Don’t expect your divorce lawyer to be sympathetic of your situation – exaggerating and profiting from other people’s misery is every lawyer’s God given right and moral obligation. Respect your divorce attorney’s cold, professional manner; indifference to your emotional pain is necessary for him to focus on the task at hand – making sure Pisces gets screwed fairly.
JERK from page 27
suggested by Morris. “I was hoping the dinner conversation
would be a lively discussion of politics, social issues or even pop culture, but Brendan just wouldn’t stop droning on and on about some boring jerk ancestor of his that nobody’s ever heard of,” Morris later told sources. “Maybe if Brendan would’ve told us he’s a descendant of Caligula or something – now there’s a well-known dead guy worthy of discussion. Personally, I could talk shop on Caligula all night long, no problem.” Morris said that guests’ attempts to
steer the subject of conversation toward something the least bit interesting were unsuccessful. “Every time Brendan would stop to rest
his jaw for more than two seconds, one of us would try to change the subject,” said Morris, who works with Kaplan at Midland City Library. “Jean [Byers] tried to get us started on the topic of technology by saying something about how the Internet has made genealogy
BODIES from page 25 just one
in a long line of corpses
discovered by Gonzales during her morning housekeeping duties. “I’d say [I find] at least one [body] a
week, usually more,” said Gonzales, commenting on the normally traumatic event that has become commonplace in her job. “Aſter fiſteen years of coming in to change guests’ sheets and finding them laying face down in a pool of blood or choked to death on their own vomit, I’m just plain sick of dealing with it. I assure you that nowhere in my job description does it say anything about having to deal with dead bodies on a regular basis.” Gonzales, who immigrated to the U.S.
from Mexico with her family when she was just a child, said that Las Vegas’ standing as the world headquarters for decadent adult behavior invariably contributes to the staggering frequency with which the hotel rooms she services contain one or more murder, suicide, accident or overdose victims. “Years ago, when I was first starting out
“And I thought dinner with my parents was boring,” added Morris.
research so much easier, which I thought was a stealthy, well-executed segue. But before anyone could stop him, Brendan snatched up that ball and ran with it. Te next thing we knew he was explaining in exhaustive detail about how this primitive dink was ‘instrumental in the formation of the First Triumvirate,’ whatever the hell that was.” “And I thought dinner
with my parents was boring,” added Morris. According to Morris,
Kaplan finally finished talking about his obscure jerkoff relative only aſter having withheld dessert service until each guest had viewed a copy of his family’s genealogy chart. “He must have gone to Kinko’s and
made copies for everybody, whether they were interested in seeing it or not,” said Morris. “When he finally asked who wanted coffee and went to the kitchen to get dessert, Jean summed up what we were all thinking: ‘Jesus, let’s hope he pours himself a nice cup of shut the fuck up.’”
“It used to be that finding a stiff hanging
from the shower rod as I went to replace the shampoo would freak me out to no end,” said Gonzales. “But aſter more than a decade of working in Vegas hotels, I’m so used to it now that it doesn’t really even faze me anymore. I guess for this job, in this town, there really is no substitute for practical work experience.” Gonzales said that her years of
experience in finding dead bodies in rooms helps her teach new housekeepers how to deal with the situation. “Just like at any other job, you pick up
little tricks and tips along the way, which I try to pass on to some of the girls I
“Nowhere in [my] job description does it
say anything about having to deal with dead bodies every morning,” said Gonzales.
as a housekeeper at the Ramada Inn in Arlington, only maybe once or twice a year would I have the misfortune of finding a dead body in the room I was making up,” said Gonzales, recalling early work experiences in Texas. “But here in Vegas it’s a different story. Te gambling, the drinking, the strippers – it all adds up to people doing bad, bad things. Te people I find dead have usually gone too far with one of their vices. ‘Vegas casualties,’ I call them.” According to Gonzales, in a city
filled with two-bit hustlers, drug dealers, degenerate gamblers and other mischievous characters, housekeepers must become accustom to the sight of the carcasses of recently deceased humans.
train,” said Gonzales. “I teach the girls that you’re better off to just wait until the police finish before trying to make up the room. Tey get all huffy about ‘tampering with a crime scene’ and stuff. You might as well just take your break while waiting for the authorities to haul away the stiff.” “Guest,” Gonzales added. “I meant to say guest.” Despite her indifference to Golden
Nugget guests’ mortality, Gonzales remains committed to professionalism. “Sure, it would be easy to just throw
some fresh towels in the bathroom and act like the door didn’t hit some poor bastard’s bullet-filled head, but Golden Nugget guests deserve top-notch maid service, whether they’ve paid their bill up front or not,” Gonzales said. “No doubt, I’d prefer to clean a bathtub that isn’t caked with human blood, but if it is, I’m still going to make that tub shine like nobody’s business.”
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