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NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST recoil Pervert born into
Youth football coach spends most of game counting to 11
bondage Miami, Fla. – David Foster, a quiet- mannered, 56-year-old tax attorney who has for decades spent the majority of his money and free time employing fetish-friendly prostitutes to tie him down and berate, spank and whip him, revealed Thursday that his overwhelming fondness for bondage was something he was naturally born into. “I’ve totally been into bondage for as long as I can remember – it’s not like something I acquired a taste for over time – which leads me to believe I was simply born ‘into’ it.”
Widower knows way too much about body
Distraught mathematician jumps from eraser ledge
quikSTAT What’s going to get us in the end?
• Each state’s differing age-of-consent law • Plastic bags • Those bones getting dug up • Nothing, because we’re just not into that • Death, hopefully, before the torture continues • Not the end of cop’s broomstick, hopefully
disposal techniques Cleveland, Ohio – Ben Morris, a 38-year- old widower whose wife Rebecca is assumed dead aſter mysteriously disappearing 18 months ago, knows a bit too much about methods for confidentially disposing of dead bodies, a source close to Morris said Friday. “The other day, and I don’t even know how we got on the subject, but Ben was going on and on about how you have to weigh a body down with twice the body’s weight in stones or [concrete] blocks to keep it submerged if you dump it into a river or lake, because of bloating,” said Jay Bennett, a friend of Morris’. “That doesn’t seem like the kind of knowledge a person just happens to carry around with them, you know? It kind of makes me wonder.” Bennett acknowledged that in the past Morris has offered his counsel should Bennett ever need instruction as to the best place locally to bury a body.
Above: A police surveilance photo of the suspect taken moments before his arrest.
Jobless hippie suspected in brutal killing of time
Oakland, Fla. – Oakland Police Chief Dan Harris told reporters Thursday that authorities have detained a 21-year- old male for questioning in regard to his possible involvement in a rash of merciless time killing that has outraged an otherwise crime-free community during recent weeks. “Although we can not disclose the
identity of our suspect at this time, what we can tell you is that the suspect fits the profile of a serial
time
killer to a tee: young, single, unemployed and remorseless – like he doesn’t have a care in the world,” said Harris at a recent press conference. “Thankfully, the people of this community do care. We care a lot. And we aren’t about to just stand by and watch while someone repeatedly kills time without the slightest hint of guilt.” Harris said the suspect was apprehended
Wednesday night inside his brother’s suburban home, where investigators believe the suspect carried out a majority of the killings since quitting his part-time job at a local record store and moving into the residence in early March. “Neighbors reported having seen the
“Young, single, unemployed and
remorseless – like he doesn’t have a care in the world,” said Harris.
suspect for weeks lounging around on the porch drinking beer while they were pulling out of their driveways to go to work or taking their kids to practice or any of the other ten million things that decent, hard- working Americans have to do every day,” said Harris. “You can only see a guy sitting around on his ass so many times
before you start to suspect that he’s a lazy good-for-nothing who’s probably thoughtlessly killing more time than anyone can begin to imagine.” Police stormed the residence and see KILLING page 80
Terrible Christian rock band can’t understand why God hasn’t blessed them with record contract
Hollywood, Calif. – Despite their sincere belief in an all-powerful God who blesses those who praise His name with limitless rewards on Earth as well as everlasting life aſter death, members of the Christian modern rock band In His Name told sources Friday that they can’t understand why God has not yet blessed the untalented fivesome with a prestigious, high-paying, multi-album recording contract. “We love the Lord, but we also love to
rock,” said Marcus Anthony Tallman, lead vocalist for the religious rock act that has been performing as a unit for more than eight years. “We believe that
Above: Members of God-awful Christian rock band In His Name. see BAND page 80
Dog, owner husky
Gambling addict too broke to develop drug addiction
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