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NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST recoil
Above: Remaining members of the 80s rock band Skid Row have reunited with singer Sebastian Back (middle.)
Original members of Skid Row reunite
to record “Middle-Agers Gone Wild” Toms River, N.J – Twenty-two years following
the release of Skid Row’s
breakthrough debut single “Youth Gone Wild,” the rock band’s cofounder and
bassist Rachel Bolan, 45, confirmed Monday that all five original band members will reunite to record “Middle-
“I can barely hold a pen in my hand long enough to write down a single verse
of lyrics before my arthritis starts kicking in,” said Sabo.
Agers Gone Wild,” an updated version of the popular anthem from the band’s see SKID ROW page 88
Inept cashier cast as host of Te Price Is Wrong
Above: A police mug shot of Derek Piles.
Small-town stalker sets off to try to stalk the big-time in Hollywood
Colfax, Ind. – Twenty-three-year-old pizza delivery driver and reputed stalker Derek Piles will come one step closer to realizing his dream of becoming a high- profile stalker when the small-town youth sets off to try to stalk the big- time celebrities in Hollywood later this month. “Colfax was a great place to grow up and
all, and I’ve managed to do some decent small-time stalking here and in nearby Indianapolis, but it’s time for me to take
the next step – hopefully into a celebrity’s home,” Piles stated flatly. “Moving out to la-la land is absolutely essential if I want to have any hope of making the big- time Hollywood stars have to hire extra security guards to keep me out of their yards.” Piles said that although he has been
stalking local men and women seriously for more than eight years, it was not until December of last year – aſter his most see STALKER page 87
Marooned U.S. legislator sends clear message to voters: HELP
North Atlantic Ocean – In an attempt to send a clear and focused message to the American voters Tursday, impassioned 68-year-old Congressman Alan Taylor [R-VA] called for nationwide support in his efforts to be rescued from the small, uncharted island on which the Republican lawmaker was marooned five days ago. “PLEASE HELP – STRANDED ON
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DESERTED ISLAND SOMEWHERE OFF EAST COAST OF U.S.,” wrote an exhausted but determined Taylor, carefully penning the unusually brief proposal on a piece of tree bark pulled from an adult Birch. “IMMEDIATE AID NEEDED. PLEASE SEND HELP!” Exhibiting some of the early signs of
dementia, Taylor read the document aloud to imagined members of an see HELP page 88
Above: Te half-delusional Congressman reads his proposal to an imagined press corps before setting the message adriſt on the West side of the deserted
island.Hudson’s head.
page 85
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