SPORTS Ultimate fighters’ egos too big to fit in octagon


Los Angeles, Calif. – Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) organizers confirmed Tuesday plans to redesign the UFC’s trademark octagon, enlarging the fighting cage to nearly twice its original size in an effort to adequately accommodate the enormously inflated egos sidling a vast majority of the league’s fighters. “I don’t care if they make the octagon bigger, smaller,


wider, upside down or move it to the moon, the fact is that I’m the best fighter alive, and my opponent, I don’t care who it is, whatever poor sucker they put on the canvas with me hasn’t got a prayer in this world [at winning],” said Tito Ortiz, a 33-year-old American light heavyweight fighter who specializes in submission wrestling. Proudly brandishing the “If you fight Tito Ortiz you lose” t-shirt he first wore aſter defeating Ken Shamrock in 2006, Ortiz continued: “It’s just a plain and simple fact that I’m the most dangerous fighter alive, and I’m going to make sure everybody in the world knows that I am the best.” Te UFC’s decision to increase the size of the octagon


follows a recent string of high-profile fights that had to be cancelled or forfeited because of the lack of space in the octagon for both fighters’ massive egos. “Te octagon currently in use for UFC bouts, an eight- sided caged enclosure with walls of chain-link fence,


Recoil’s


“Add in the room taken up by the huge chip each [fighter] has on his shoulder and suddenly there’s


hardly enough room for these guys to throw a punch let alone wage an epic battle,” said McCarthy.


provides only 30 feet of space from point to point – hardly enough room for the ungodly mammoth egos these fighters carry around with them,” said retired UFC referee Big John McCarthy, who officiated over matches from 1994 until his retirement. “Add in the room taken up by the huge chip each [fighter] has on his shoulder and suddenly there’s hardly enough room for these guys to throw a punch let alone wage an epic battle.” UFC officials have admitted that when the octagon was originally conceived and assembled in 1993, designers failed to properly estimate the size of the egos most of their fighters would soon develop. “We didn’t anticipate how


much of an effect the act of beating another human half to death can have on a man’s


ego,” said Joe Silva, the UFC’s vice-president of talent. “Just look at footage of some of the more successful UFC fighters, like Ortiz, for example. It’s a wonder that guy alone can even fit in the octagon, because on top of his Zeus-like ego, the guy walks around like he’s got a twelve-foot cock.” “Although that might just be because he’s dating Jenna Jameson,” added Silva.


Right: Ultimate Fighting Champion Tito Ortiz angrily explains to a referee that the octagon is not large enough to accommodate his wildly inflated ego before a 2006 title fight.


FANTASY from page 81


human life,” said Hundley, who founded the camp shortly following Anthony’s July exoneration of having killed the 25-year-old’s infant daughter Caylee Marie Anthony in 2008. Hundley said that selling reservations


- One shouldn’t be too quick to judge a person. For instance, it’s wrong to just assume someone is a bad person just because the warden is having him strapped into an electric chair.


- When stepping out for a black-tie event, would Nigel Tufnel of Spinal Tap dress to the nines, tens or elevens?


- I don’t think I like the idea of Nihilism. In fact, I don’t think I’d like the idea of any religion based on the worship of the Nile River. Basing a religion on the Rhone, of course, would be another story altogether.


- Instead of telling your child to “sit tight,” try telling them to “sit taut,” because then the child will have been taught to sit tight.


- Why are so many bands on hiatus? It must be good – I’ll have to ask my drug dealer about getting some of that.


- I’ve oſten attempted to call bullshit on something but, according to my phone book, at least, bullshit’s number is unlisted. It’s very frustrating, because something like that makes you want to call bullshit even more. It’s no wonder I can’t sleep.


- Te more and more I think about it, I’m starting to feel that I in fact do want to be a burden.


- It’s common knowledge that 13 is oſten referred to as a baker’s dozen. But how many is in a baker’s hundred? How many in a baker’s thousand? How many in a baker’s million, or billion? MIT probably teaches a class on this calculation alone.


- I’ve oſten wondered why cats stretch so much. Are they really that afraid of pulling a muscle during their five-foot mosey to the food bowl?


- Sorry to say, but that oſten misheard age-old adage is true: in this world, there’s no faxed lunch.


page 84


for the new camp – an experience which actually takes place in west central Florida, in an area proximate to the actual events surrounding the Anthony ordeal – has been relatively easy despite the heſty price tag of $15,000 and the initial hesitance that sometimes discourages otherwise interested clientele. “Just like with baseball fantasy camps,


where some participants get worried, ‘I’m not in shape’ or ‘I’m not good enough’ – fears which melt away as soon as they reach camp – many Casey Anthony campers might worry, ‘I don’t have what it takes to strangle somebody or hit them in the face with a fire axe or whatnot, let alone bury them in the woods,’” admitted Hundley, who claimed to have already sold-out reservations for the week-long camp through 2014. “But once the participants arrive at camp and start Googling about how to make their own chloroform and such, one’s inherent bloodlust or suppressed resentment toward their parents instinctively takes root, and they end of having the time of their lives getting away with murder.” According to Hundley, many


participants in the Casey Anthony Fantasy Camp


especially enjoy the


process of providing police investigators with false information and playing out a series of carefully constructed lies until being cornered and forced to invent


new lies – a situation which intuitively brings out a level of spontaneous self- preservation some participants never thought they had in them. “Included in the cost of the package is


the opportunity to lead investigators on a trip through the offices of Universal Studios before finally admitting to not really working there – just like Casey Anthony did,” boasted Hundley. “Some participants have remarked that this ‘coming clean’ moment is every bit as emotionally stimulating as admitting to a spouse about having an affair or coming out of the closet aſter decades of living a lie in order to keep up appearances.” Recent camp participant Jeff Owosso,


44, said that his favorite part of the seven- day routine – beyond living his dream of killing someone – was mimicking Anthony’s nearly imperceptible display of moral fiber throughout the experience. “Being seen out partying


almost


immediately aſter the tragic disappearance of a loved one, being the focus of massive media attention during your trial, and getting a tattoo that says ‘Beautiful Life’ right aſter your acquittal – it’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of doing,” said Owosso, an insurance adjuster from Kansas City. “And then being provided with a panel of imbecilic jurors who confuse ‘reasonable doubt’ with ‘reason for doubt,’ and nonchalantly employing loopholes to stymie our [nation’s] substantially flawed legal system when even casual onlookers can immediately see you are guilty – talk about living the dream!”


Shallow


Thoughts


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