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Missing fat kids pictured on side of Whoppers®


Hershey, Penn. – Seeking to help desperate parents across the country in their


efforts to locate missing


children, officials at Hershey Foods Corporation announced Monday that packaging for the company’s Whoppers® malted milk balls will now feature photographs of missing fat kids on one side of every carton sold in the U.S. “Hershey is proud to lend a hand in helping reunite


parents with


their obese sons or daughters – many of whom


among our most loyal customers before


had been they


went missing,” said Hershey spokesperson Stephanie Moritz at a Tuesday morning conference. “For


press these


parents, the sight of that empty chair at the dinner


table every night brings a pain that cannot be comforted – even by eating all of the extra food that’s now up for grabs


every


Above: A carton of Whoppers® malted milk balls featuring the photo of Dean Orr, an overweight 10-year-old last seen at an Old Country Buffet in June.


night. Hershey is committed see WHOPPERS page 4


Above: A completely plowed Gene Reynolds attempts to plow his driveway. Driveway, driver plowed


Holland, Mich. – Neighbors and family members voiced concern for the safety of homeowner Gene Reynolds, 48, who was obviously plowed Sunday evening while attempting to plow the snow from his driveway using a lawn tractor outfitted with a snow plow attachment. “I asked Gene


not to go out and plow, considering how he was already almost too drunk


to stand


“Someone in that condition shouldn’t even be allowed to use a shovel, let alone


aſter spending the entire day drinking beer and watching sports on TV,” said Reynolds’ wife, Margaret. “But, as usual, Gene doesn’t listen to anyone when he’s been drinking, especially me.” Aſter looking high and low for his


drive that big lawn tractor,” said Anderson.


keys, which turned out to be in his pocket, Reynolds donned his winter wear, grabbed his cigarettes and a fiſth of Wild Turkey and set out to haphazardly perform the winter chore – a half-hour job that took Reynolds nearly two hours to shabbily complete. “I watched


Gene stumble his way out to the shed, where the tractor is stored, and about ten minutes later I


remember thinking – hoping, actually – that he might have just passed out in the shed to sleep it off, since he hadn’t come back out,” said Margaret Reynolds. “But then all of a sudden I heard the tractor see PLOWE D page 4


Babies: 100 percent suffer from depression


Rockville, Mary. – A study conducted by researchers at the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD) reports that 100 percent of all newborn infants display symptoms normally associated with clinical adult depression and in fact suffer from a medical condition known as Infant Depressive Disorder (IDD). “A baby suffering from Infant


Above: As in adults, frequent crying and irritability are oſten the most noticeable physical symptoms of depression in infants.


Depressive Disorder will exhibit many of the same warning signs as depressed adults: frequent bouts of crying, weight gain, disrupted sleep patterns and so on,” said Dr. James Redab, who headed up NICHD’s three-year study. “Parents, do not dismiss your infant’s behavior and assume that the little one is just tired or


see BABIES page 3 page 1


“We’re an equal opportunity employer: we’ll hire blondes, brunettes, Latinos, Russian girls, whatever,” said Ceritteno.


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