WORLDWIDE HEADLINES Wife’s period more accurately described


as exclamation point Ann Arbor, Mich. – Area wife Anne Gile’s menstrual period could possibly be more


accurately described as an


exclamation point, according to husband John Gile, an English professor at the University of Michigan. “An exclamation point is usually associated with the loud or deliberate expression of feeling or emotion, which characterizes Anne’s whole demeanor during that time of the month,” said Gile.


Sports anchor still working dumb jock


sound out of voice Atlanta, Ga. – Viewers of local television station Channel 11’s 6 p.m. news said Sunday that rookie sports anchor Ty Roberts, 23, is yet to rid his on-air voice of


the Neanderthal tone he no doubt


developed during his many years of playing varsity and collegiate football prior to his career as a newscaster. “Tis new guy barks out the scores like he’s calling plays in the huddle – ‘Phillies, six! Braves, four! Diamondbacks, three! Rangers, two!’” viewer Ross Valla noted. “He’s going to have to work that dumb jock sound out of his voice if he expects people to think of him as anything but a failed tight end falling back on his


EYE ON DICK


HANDY DICK


communications degree.”


Developmentally disabled alien awed


by flashlight Clarion, Nev. –


with a seemingly


and Daniel Gardner claimed to have interacted


lost extraterrestrial


Travelers Marjorie developmentally


disabled alien while broken down on Route 10 Saturday night aſter the


approached the couple and became enthralled with the basic functioning of their flashlight. “Naturally we assumed that the being had an intelligence far beyond our capacity for understanding,” said Daniel Gardner. “But aſter watching the alien marvel at our flashlight like it was a light saber or something, we realized that he was actually a, well, a little slow, let’s say.” Gardner said the alien was short with bucked teeth and glasses, and appeared to be wearing a bicycle helmet.


Character built through miserable


chore Sault Saint Marie, Mich. – According to the father of 12-year-old Tommy Joseph, an hour and a half of hauling firewood built character in his son Friday, despite the


child’s contrary. continuous pleas to the “Tommy keeps complaining that the only thing he’s getting out of


helping me stock firewood for the winter is a sore back and blisters, but I told him that it’s hard work like this that builds character in a young man,” said Tomas Joseph, Sr., grabbing a beer and sitting down on the chopping block to watch his son finish hauling the day’s load into his truck. “Letting him out of working today just because he was running a little bit of a temperature certainly wasn’t going to toughen him up or teach him anything about


hard work, determination,


responsibility or being a man. What kind of father would I be to deny him this character-building opportunity?” Joseph later confirmed that


his son’s


character would continue to be built over the weekend through the washing and waxing of both family cars, the cleaning of his room and the mowing of the lawn.


Zs caught Owensboro, Ky. – Sources close to mall


security guard Ted Laurel confirmed Friday aſternoon that the 32-year- old had managed to single-handedly apprehend a number of wanted Zs that had eluded Laurel the night previous. “Ted asked me to come into the break room and wake him up aſter lunch because he was going to try to catch some Zs – apparently he had closed the bar last night and hadn’t gotten much sleep,” said


HOW TO... AVOID BEING POISONED


Drink Granted, modern dinner etiquette typically forbids tossing a strip of litmus paper into your White Zinfandel – but hey, would you rather pass out dead during the soup service? If the litmus paper turns blue, your host has probably poisoned your drink (better check your brake line before driving home). Also, observe the liquid’s distribution process; if your portion came from a sealed bottle or others are sampling from the same source, you’re probably safe. Oh yeah, check the bottle you’re drinking from for a gigantic red fucking sticker marked “POSION.”


Food Make sure you’re not in Denny’s. Next, take a small amount of the questionable entrée and place it on the lips – a burning or bitter taste is a warming sign. If you suspect a tainted dish, eat only a small quantity (a low quantity of poison may not prove fatal) and wait five hours without eating or drinking anything else. Food immediately not agreeing with your digestive system should be regurgitated; vomiting can be induced by putting your fingers down your throat or by watching Oprah. Long-term poisoning can be more difficult to detect, but if you experience an unexplainable, extended bout of illness while the same person has been preparing your daily food, you might consider starting to dine out.


Ecstasy If you’re one of the many bent on poisoning your body with drugs (good ones), you’ve got to be careful that an unscrupulous drug dealer doesn’t trick you into poisoning your body with drugs (bad ones). Ecstasy tablets laced with toxins can be discovered using one of the many home test kits available through websites such as DanceSafe.org; these kits verify the presence of MDMA (that’s good) as well as all of the common substitute drugs


on the


Former high school woodshop class casualty and cultural icon Dick Bill recently fell back on his extensive knowledge of woodworking, coordinating a small construction team to make upgrades to his first-class domicile. Below are some notable events from the almost entirely injury-free work sessions: • Construction gets off to slow start when Dick refuses to start working until everyone involved hits Dick’s thumb with a hammer as hard as they can. • Dick Bill becomes unable to obtain supplies for project after Home Depot bans him from store for life for using store’s paint shaker for ‘inappropriate sexual endeavors.’ • Production slows after Dick insists entire crew adopt new woodworking policy: measure twice, cut once, drink five times. • Dick ruins portable concrete mixer by using it to make 30 gallons’ worth of margaritas for entire work crew. • Work halts when Dick refuses to admit any knowledge of what happened to all the razorblades that were in the boxcutter just a few days ago. • The need to start from scratch becomes apparent when Dick notices that he is the only builder who has been using the metric system the entire time. • Dick “accidentally” paints himself into the only corner of the room that has a full cooler of beer in it.


ecstasy


market, including DXM (that’s bad).


Mail Tink the boss has it out for you? Make sure his attempts to spike the adhesive strips of your envelopes with cyanide or ricin are in vain by keeping your tongue at home and relying on a bottle moistener. And, of course, if you still insist on purchasing your cocaine through mail order, don’t forget to check for anthrax.


recoilmag.com page 31


Dale Breckenridge, a coworker of Laurel’s at Middletown Mall. “When I came in an hour later he was sawing logs like a lumberjack, so I guess the mission was a success.” Te Zs, which were held for the full hour before being released on their own recognizance, were unavailable for comment.


Online dater’s picture older than suitor’s


undisclosed child Flagstaff, Ariz. – Te flattering photo being used by 38-year-old building superintendent Randy Schulz on his Match.com profile is almost two years older than the eight-year-old daughter who has yet to have been mentioned by Mary Lawrence, a receptionist with whom Schulz has been e-mailing since being matched by the online dating service’s compatibility matrix two weeks ago. “I don’t know which of these two is being more deceitful,


the woman who


isn’t telling the guy she has an eight- year-old, or the guy who’s using a picture that’s even older than her secret kid,” said Tracy Vaughn, a system administrator at Match.com. “More than likely, during the decade since that picture was taken, Randy’s probably gained as many pounds as Mary’s little girl weighs.”


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