SANDBOX from page 9
stomped on by giant feet. “We’ve staged ground forces just
outside Barsa, Commander,” Bush said, struggling to restrict movement of his lips as he subtly shook the G.I. Joe delivering the tactical report. “Hussein’s Republic Guard divisions have fallen back. We expect their forces to regroup in either the Tigris or Euphrates River valleys.” Bush then spent nearly 20 minutes
molding and detailing a replica river valley using a large spoon and plastic bucket. Unsatisfied with the authenticity of
the scaled-down
battlefield, Bush retrieved a running garden
hose from
the side of the house and returned to the sandbox to flood his newly constructed reservoir and conduct a number of mock-up amphibious attacks. According to first lady Laura Bush,
HUSBAND from page 9
shortly aſter Woodman began watching television in an effort to unwind aſter work. “I love my wife and everything, but by
God does that woman like to talk,” said Woodman, 30, who works as a field technician for a local civil engineering firm. “I wanted to just come home [from work] and chill out for awhile, but Jena immediately launches into these long, boring stories about what happened at work and what’s going on with a friend of hers and a bunch of other stuff. I just tried to act like I was paying attention and hoped it wouldn’t go on too long.” Occasionally retorting with such all-
purpose conversation perpetuators as “Tat’s nice, honey,” “No kidding? Huh,” and “I’m sure it’ll all work out,” Woodman pretended to give a shit about his wife’s exhaustively detailed personal accounts until just aſter 6:45 p.m., when Jena was forced to interrupt the one-sided exchange to receive a telephone call from her longtime friend Nelly Smith. “Saved by the bell, I guess you’d say,”
plot] figured out now.” “Listening to her babble also gave me a
chance to clean out my wallet, which I’ve been meaning to do for weeks,” added Woodman. “I doubt she even noticed.” In addition to analyzing movie storylines
and sorting a pile of receipts, Woodman mentally planned the couple’s upcoming camping trip and also reminisced about his 1996 bachelor party weekend in Las Vegas – all the while remembering to nod, say “Yeah,” and display other characteristics indicative of a person who is giving a shit. Woodman said he oſten pretends to give
a shit about what his wife says. “Somebody – a guy – once told me that women tend to work things out in their
Te thoroughly pointless
conversation comprehensively detailed Jena’s work day, lunch
experience, plans for the evening and friends’ relationship difficulties.
Woodman jokingly explained, adding that he used the brief interruption to exit the room and seek solace behind some cardboard boxes in the basement, where he remained for several hours. Woodman acknowledged that although
the lengthy, expendable conversation depleted a good amount of his aſter- work leisure time, the 45 minutes spent maintaining a convincing, give-a-shit veneer was not a complete waste. “I was able to give some thought to a
few things I hadn’t had time for,” said Woodman, who admitted to mentally driſting “light-years away” from his wife’s inane banter. “While Jena was busy carrying on about God-knows-what, I was trying to figure out the significance of a couple of scenes from the movie Memento, which we had rented a few nights back. I think I’ve got most of [the
page 12
heads by talking things out, so most of the time it isn’t really necessary to listen to everything a woman says,” said Woodman. “It’s been my experience that the theory usually holds true. So I usually just keep my mouth shut and let her talk herself out. Sure, it’s a complete waste of time, but it seems to make [Jena] happy.” Added Woodman: “And on the rare
occasion that she’s actually talking about something important, I usually pick up on it as soon as she starts yelling.” Aſter 12 years of marriage, Woodman
said he feels that his willingness to pretend to give a shit about what his wife says is vital to the health of their relationship. “If I didn’t sit
there in total silence,
staring off into the distance but occasionally grunting out an ‘Oh yeah?’ or a ‘No kidding,’ Jena would probably start to think we have a communication problem,” said Woodman, adding: “I pretend to give a shit because I care.”
recoilmag.com
the President concluded his exhaustive outdoors
activities at approximately
6 p.m., when Bush came inside and immediately requisitioned two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and a double ration of Kool-Aid. “He’s so cute,” added the first lady.
“And such a workaholic. Tis morning when I caught him rooting through the Presidential toy trunk, I said, ‘Honey, you are not going out there again all day today. It’s Sunday, for Pete’s sake, and this is supposed to be your vacation.’ I guess the poor man just can’t help himself.” Sources confirmed
Te President conducted further amphibious warfare simulations
during his 45-minute bath Sunday evening.
that the President conducted further amphibious
warfare
simulations during his 45-minute bath late Sunday evening before retiring to his study to skim Sun Tza’s Te Art
of War and reread a compilation book of Beetle Bailey comic strips.
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