RECOILMAG.COM


NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST recoil


Nickelback adds fourth chord to musical arsenal


Vancouver, Canada– Nearing completion of its seventh full-length studio album, members of the post-grunge rock band Nickelback explained to sources Wednesday about how they set out to challenge themselves musically on their new release by incorporating an entirely new chord into their songwriting. “Sure, we could’ve went in [the studio] and just pumped out another generic


“We hope Nickelback


fans will enjoy this more experimental direction,” said Kroger.


Nickelback album using the same three chords we’ve been playing for the last decade, but with this album we really wanted to branch out and try something new,” said Chad Kroeger, singer and guitarist for the Canadian four- piece. “I think that


incorporating a fourth chord into our arsenal of musical weaponry has added see NICKELBACK page 71


Above: A map used during the recent poll.


Poll: 73 percent of Americans unable to locate America on map of America poll


Washington, D.C. – According to a Gallup/Harris


released Monday,


a full 73 percent of American citizens are incapable of identifying their home country on a map of the United States. Of the 1,400 residents surveyed, the common


most incorrect responses


placed the more than 230-year-old territory in the Atlantic or Pacific Oceans (12 percent),


the space where Mexico


would appear were it in fact included on the map (nine percent), and inside the word “America” written just above the northernmost states (six percent). “On the whole, these figures should be


Above: Multi-platinum-selling rock act Nickelback.


construed as somewhat d i s a p p o i n t in g ,” Gallup spokesman Keith Ventner said. “Especially the two percent that believed the United States was located on the map’s color-coded inset legend. I think we as a nation likely could have done without seeing that.” When asked to reveal the identity of the giant America-shaped landmass found


on the map, several of those polled were decidedly varied in their answers. “Tat thing definitely looked familiar,”


said autoworker and father of three Ed McConnell. “And my gut told me there were probably a whole bunch of Americans there. So I had to go with ‘Iraq.’” Other guesses as to the nature of the


mystery country included “Hollywood,” “Palestine,” “Te Shire” and “Club Med Punta Cana.” Stuart Weiss, senior sociology professor


Other guesses as to the name of the mystery country included


at Boston College, said although these findings may be surprising to some, they’re by no means atypical. “Te sentiment of


“Hollywood,” “Palestine” and “Te Shire.”


many Americans is that there’s little intrinsic value in studying a map of a place you’re already at,” said Weiss. “It’d be like driving to


Graceland and then asking for directions once you’ve arrived. Not much point.” Shirley Matheson, a part-time Arby’s see MAP page 72


Archaeologists speculate on purpose of newly discovered Disco Age artifact


New York, N.Y. – Archaeologists excavating the ruins of a 1970s New York nightclub continued to speculate Friday about the purpose and historical significance of a 36-inch reflective sphere unearthed from the site in late July – an artifact many contend belonged to a flamboyant, groove-based society of people that rose to prominence in the U.S. in the mid-70s before suddenly vanishing near the turn of the decade. “Figuring out what function this


enormous mirrored ball served during the Disco Age would be a tremendous step toward understanding what caused these super-freaky ancestors of ours to groove themselves into extinction so quickly aſter establishing their culture,” explained Graham Kelser, lead archaeologist for the privately funded


dig. “Usually, extravagant or luxurious relics like this are determined to have held some sort of religious significance for the people of


their times. But considering


the bizarre customs and rituals that were prevalent during the Disco Age, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that this thing was worn as an earring.” Te mysterious orb is the latest in a


series of puzzling artifacts unearthed during a seven-month excavation of the abandoned ruins of the Paradise Garage nightclub, where experts believe people of the disco epoch congregated nightly to participate in elaborate dance rituals that somehow included the use of one or more of these massive, shiny globes. “We believe the mirrored ball was suspended from the ceiling and


see DISCO page 72 Above: Bemused archaeologists crowd in to ponder the possible functionality of a gigantic, reflecting orb. page 69


Page 1  |  Page 2  |  Page 3  |  Page 4  |  Page 5  |  Page 6  |  Page 7  |  Page 8  |  Page 9  |  Page 10  |  Page 11  |  Page 12  |  Page 13  |  Page 14  |  Page 15  |  Page 16  |  Page 17  |  Page 18  |  Page 19  |  Page 20  |  Page 21  |  Page 22  |  Page 23  |  Page 24  |  Page 25  |  Page 26  |  Page 27  |  Page 28  |  Page 29  |  Page 30  |  Page 31  |  Page 32  |  Page 33  |  Page 34  |  Page 35  |  Page 36  |  Page 37  |  Page 38  |  Page 39  |  Page 40  |  Page 41  |  Page 42  |  Page 43  |  Page 44  |  Page 45  |  Page 46  |  Page 47  |  Page 48  |  Page 49  |  Page 50  |  Page 51  |  Page 52  |  Page 53  |  Page 54  |  Page 55  |  Page 56  |  Page 57  |  Page 58  |  Page 59  |  Page 60  |  Page 61  |  Page 62  |  Page 63  |  Page 64  |  Page 65  |  Page 66  |  Page 67  |  Page 68  |  Page 69  |  Page 70  |  Page 71  |  Page 72  |  Page 73  |  Page 74  |  Page 75  |  Page 76  |  Page 77  |  Page 78  |  Page 79  |  Page 80  |  Page 81  |  Page 82  |  Page 83  |  Page 84  |  Page 85  |  Page 86  |  Page 87  |  Page 88  |  Page 89  |  Page 90  |  Page 91  |  Page 92  |  Page 93  |  Page 94  |  Page 95  |  Page 96  |  Page 97  |  Page 98  |  Page 99  |  Page 100  |  Page 101  |  Page 102  |  Page 103  |  Page 104  |  Page 105  |  Page 106  |  Page 107  |  Page 108  |  Page 109