WORLDWIDE HEADLINES Guy named Anderson suggests


alphabetical order Louisville, Ky. – According to sources present at recent events, Ted Anderson, an unmarried 39-year-old construction supervisor, routinely suggests alphabetical order as the most efficient means for coordinating activities in which it is beneficial to be among the first people to participate. “Last month, Ted had the balls to suggest we use alphabetical order to decide in which order guests at my sister’s wedding reception should be invited to join the buffet line,” said David Zielinski, a longtime friend of Anderson, confirming his regular predilection for recommending the use of alphabetical order. “I’m sure he’d be singing a different tune if his last name was Walker.”


Bowflex® holds


eight towels Greenville, Mich. – According to resident John Irwin, the 26-year-old financial adviser discovered last month that as many as eight bath towels can be hung from his abandoned Bowflex® Ultimate2 machine when not in use. “It’s not one of the ninety-five functions they advertise on the [television] commercials or anything, but if you’re already out of the bathroom when you take off your towel, the Bowflex® is a great machine to let it


BABIES from page 3


fussing. We now know that the infant actually requires immediate medication, psychotherapy and quite possibly electroconvulsive therapy. Your baby needs to get well.” Between July of 2000 and July of


2012, NICHD researchers examined an internationally representative sample of 121,000 infants, reporting that in all 121,000 cases the newborn exhibited various physical signs of depression – from irritability to difficulty making decisions to abrupt mood swings. “As a parent, once you know the signs


of IDD and know what to look for, it’ll become very obvious to you that your baby has depression,” said Redab. “And although it’s a huge blow to come to the realization that your child has this serious of a medical condition at such a young age, you’ll be relieved to finally know why your baby has been crying nonstop and just laying around, practically lifeless, for weeks if not months.” Redab, himself a father


of two, expressed concern about the frequency in which IDD appears in children under the age of one. “Whereas roughly one in six persons


profoundly higher: one in one,” said Redab. “Women, though twice as likely to suffer from depression, are fortunate in that they are twice as likely as men to seek help for their depression. Infants, on the other hand, blatantly refuse to talk with anyone about their condition.” Other symptoms of Infant Depressive


Disorder that intersect with adult warning signs include low motivation, sudden change in appetite, lack of


social interaction, indifference,


difficulty thinking, concentrating and remembering. Don and Carol Jorgeson were recently


leveled by the news that their four- month-old daughter, Terina, suffers from Infant Depressive Disorder. “Ever since Terina was born we had


both noticed that she was prone to cry for no reason, and she always seemed


“You’ll be relieved to finally know why your baby has been crying nonstop and just laying around,


practically lifeless, for weeks if not months,” said Redab.


will exhibit symptoms of depression at some point during their adult lives, for infants we found that figure to be


indifferent to whatever was going on around her,” said Carol Jorgeson, fighting back tears as she recalled the experience. “When the doctors told us that Terina


was depressed and needed help, at first we didn’t want to believe it. But accepting reality and moving on was the only way we were going to get Terina the help she needed. With the aid of a psychotherapist and counseling, now Terina only cries when she’s hungry or thirsty or tired or wet or soiled or hot or cold or bored or teething or needs burping. Let me tell you, you wouldn’t believe the difference.” Tough the NICHD study failed to


provide a solid answer as to the exact cause of IDD, Redab did not hesitate to offer a theory. “An infant is likely depressed because


they’ve only just been brought into the world and they can already see how much it sucks,” said Redab. “Te infant has not yet had time to develop the coping mechanisms that adults have – apathy, denial, alcoholism and such. At that point they child is likely to develop a ‘Who cares?’ attitude.”


dry on for a few days – as long as you’re not planning on using it to exercise, that is,” said Irwin. Irwin admitted that he has not used his Bowflex® machine for its intended purpose since early November, approximately three weeks aſter he bought the popular exercise unit with the full intention of using it on a daily basis to get in shape. Irwin noted, however, that he has also used the otherwise neglected contraption to occasionally hang ties on aſter coming home from work.


Online gambler loses house


without leaving it Terra Haute, Ind. – Jim Mackey, a regular visitor to the online gambling web site goldenpalace.com, lost his house to bank foreclosure over the last six months without once having to leave his house in order to gamble in a casino. “Gambling from home online is so much more convenient than having to drive two hours to an Indian casino or whatnot,” said a sleep-deprived Mackey, taking a break from packing his few belongings into cardboard boxes in order to transfer his


remaining bank savings into his


goldenpalace.com account using his laptop. Asked about the deepening financial crisis caused by his online gambling, Mackey explained: “I’ve just had a string of bad luck recently. In fact, I’ve never seen a live dealer hit as many blackjacks as the computer dealer has


over the past couple of weeks. But that just means I’m due for some winning any time now. Besides, I think I’ve got the program’s tendencies figured out now.”


Students’ attendance, class participation


twice that of professor Mt. Pleasant, Mich. – A coalition of students attending Central Michigan University confirmed Tuesday that students’


overall that of their attendance and


preparation for classes taught by one of the younger CMU professors is roughly double


teacher. Charles


McBride, an energetic sophomore wanting to make the most of every part of his college experience, said, “Well, guess what? [Professor John] Warren cancelled class again for tonight. What a shock,” aſter reading a mass e-mail bulletin regarding the cancellation. “He must be hungover again.” McBride explained that even when Warren, 32, does manage to make it to class, he rarely appears properly prepared, seems to be “winging it” through most of the class time, and has even twice fallen asleep at his desk so far this semester.


Fucker heavy Gary, Ind. – Peabody’s Furniture delivery


coordinator Joe Brocker used elements of slang to inform workers that the glass and mahogany coffee table scheduled for


Monday’s aſternoon delivery was indeed heavy, sources reported. “Joe was giving us a rundown on the day’s deliveries,” explained crew leader Bob Ceglarek. “When he got to the coffee table that was going to the Andrews residence, he said, ‘Careful with that one – fucker is heavy.’” Ceglarek said Brocker also explained that the delivery crew was to install the fucker in the Andrews’ upstairs den, meaning they would have to carry the fucker up two flights of stairs.


Blender available for limited time also breaks aſter


limited time Los Angeles, Calif. – Te amazing new Quasimatic 4000, a multifunction, high- speed blender available by phone only for a limited time, also breaks aſter a limited time, purchasers of the revolutionary new product recently reported. “I called and ordered right away, afraid I might already be too late to get the product since it was advertised as only being available for a limited time,” said Cheryl Masters of Raleigh, N.C. “I’ll have to see if the offer is still available, though, because my Quasimatic stopped working the third time I used it.” Masters and other buyers of the Quasimatic 4000 insist the advertisements said nothing about the life of the product being of a limited time.


Above: Each of the 121,000 babies studied exhibited symptoms such as mood swings and weight gain.


Redab cautioned parents to approach


their infant’s condition with kid gloves. “It is important for parents to keep in


mind that depression is not a sign of personal weakness – telling your baby to just snap out of it doesn’t usually work,” said Redab. “Oſten, medication and counseling


are more productive


paths, and there are a lot of good child psychologists out there. So parents, remember, violently shaking your baby is not the only answer.” “I mean, violently shaking your baby is


not the answer,” Redab said, correcting himself. “You knew that.”


page 3


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