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NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST recoil Above: Chris Woodman (right) pretends to give a shit about wife Jena’s incessant babble.


Area husband pretends to give a shit


Lafayette, Ga. – Attempting to pacify his wife Jena’s incessant desire for verbal interaction, area husband Chris Woodman pretended to give a shit Tuesday as his wife of six years initiated and dominated a series of prolonged


dialogues regarding an array of unrelated, unimportant subjects. According to Woodman, the thoroughly


pointless conversation – which comprehensively detailed his wife’s work day, lunch experience, plans for


“I love my wife and everything, but by God does that woman like to talk,” said Woodman.


the evening and friend’s relationship difficulties, a subject that actually brought Jena Woodman to tears – took place in the living room of the couple’s Lafayette home at approximately 6 p.m., see HUSBAND page 12


Building resident realizes doorman has been dead for weeks


Bush works out war strategy in backyard sandbox


Above: Bush simulates an F-16 air-to-surface strike aſter thoughtfully positioning ground forces.


Crawford, Texas – Making good on his promise to use August’s untimely 25-day retreat as a “working vacation,” President Bush began masterminding tactical maneuvers for offensive strikes on Iraq in the backyard sandbox of his Texas ranch Sunday aſternoon. Outfitted


in full


military fatigues, the 56-year-old Commander In Chief utilized his vivid imagination while manipulating an array of army toys to experiment with different combat strategies and attack drills. “Zzzzzrrrreewww boom!” yelled an


excited Bush, firing a series of pretend air-to-surface


missiles from the toy


F-16 Fighting Falcon being piloted by his leſt hand. Using his right hand, the President simulated the impact of the rockets by grabbing a fistful of sand and tossing it soſtly into the air while vocally


mimicking the cries of wounded fake Iraqi soldiers. “Wwhhhooossshhhh,” added Bush,


“Wwhhhooossshhhh,”


added Bush, banking the miniature fighter jet hard west and landing the unit just inches away from his blue plastic shovel.


banking the miniature fighter jet hard west and landing the unit just inches away from his blue plastic shovel. During Bush’s


intensely focused six- hour


strategy of


– which involved the fabrication


session forts,


foxholes, bunkers, roads and tunnels; the


dressing and arming of several 12-inch G.I. Joe action figures; the positioning of toy artillery, vehicles, tents and munitions depots and detailed run- throughs of actual combat situations levied against an imaginary resistance – the President simulated defenses for a variety of possible engagements, from protecting against very likely threats such as suicide bombing attacks to the highly unlikely event of U.S.


soldiers being see SANDBOX page 12


Imperial rights activists protest opening day of AT-AT season


Saginaw, Mich. – Hunting enthusiasts across the state met with opposition Monday as an estimated 7,000 members of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Imperial Forces (PETIF) protested the opening day of AT-AT Walker season.


PETIF’s message seems widely lost among rebel


hunters determined to bring down a trophy AT-AT.


Server down


Gathering in front of state forests and other popular hunting areas throughout Michigan’s Lower Peninsula,


see AT-AT page 10 Despite protests, hunters like Ted Walling (above) hope to bag record AT-AT Walkers this season. page 9


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