DISCO from page 69


somehow used in conjunction with two other relics that we discovered within fiſty feet of the sphere: a small spotlight and a primitive smoke-making machine,” said Kelser. “We couldn’t speculate as to what will happen when these three items are used together, but we managed to locate a group of experts at Columbia [University] who’ve agreed to smoke a bunch of grass this weekend and try to figure it out.” Earlier this summer, publicity


surrounding the excavation increased sharply when archaeologists unearthed the largely intact remains of what experts agree is likely to have been a highly exalted leader during the Disco Age: a young male DJ. “Studying the excavation’s discoveries


– especially the remains of the male DJ, or ‘Afro Joe,’ as we’ve taken to calling him – has solidified theories that the disco DJ reigned as king during this time period,” said Dr. Alexander Daprich, an anthropologist and historian at the Brookings Institute. “Tis beloved figure would look out over his people


a raised altar called a ‘DJ booth’ and command over the rituals. He and he alone would dictate the pace and overall funkiness of the procession. And the people, especially the ladies, were no doubt prepared to boogie all night at his behest.” Daprich said that nearly eclipsing


the importance of Afro Joe’s discovery was the incredible treasure-trove of Disco Age artifacts unearthed within immediate proximity of the DJ’s remains. “Polyester pants, platform shoes, crazy medallion necklaces, hair picks, a ‘Disco


MAP from page 69


employee residing in Dayton, Ohio, agreed with Weiss’s assessment. “I live in the U.S.A., so why the hell would I need to know where America is? Or the United States for that matter?” Added Matheson: “As long as there’s


still room on that map for all three of those countries, I’m sure everyone will keep getting along just fine.” Meanwhile,


the


Department of Homeland Security sees the Gallup/ Harris a


poll blessing results as in disguise.


of America, their accuracy decreased considerably with each additional query about the country. Asked for the name of


the U.S. Weiss: “I live in the capital, those


U.S.A., so why the hell would I need to know where America is? Or the United States for that matter?”


According to Secretary Michael Chertoff, the nation would be better off if these numbers skewed even higher. “Personally, I believe if fewer people


in this world could spot America on a map, we’d have a much better chance of avoiding national tragedies like nine- eleven,” said Chertoff. “You can’t attack a country you can’t find.” Of the respondents actually capable of pinpointing America on the map


page 72


polled placed Washington, D.C., fiſth behind “Minneapolis-St. Paul,” “Mount Rushmore,” “America City” and “Whitewater.” Further, when quizzed on


when America declared independence from Great Britain to become a sovereign nation, more than two-thirds replied: “six thousand years ago, when


God created humankind.” Despite


Americans’ seemingly


underdeveloped sense of their own geography, history and domestic policy, they did score high points on the issue of patriotism, calling America “the greatest country in the world” (47 percent), “the best state of all the Unites States” (31 percent), and “a place to definitely explore when I finally get my passport” (22 percent).


Till You Die’ t-shirt – these people appear to have proudly worn some of the strangest garments and jewelry we’ve seen from culture of any time in the history of civilization,” said Daprich. “But even more valuable to the historical community may be the large collection of ancient records that were uncovered under the king’s turntables. What these records might


reveal about the


disco period could provide the biggest breakthroughs yet in understanding this utterly puzzling culture.” According to Daprich, these records –


“What function this enormous mirrored ball served would


[help]understand what caused these super-freaky ancestors of ours to groove themselves into extinction so quickly,” explained Kelser. from


round, twelve-inch vinyl tablets sheathed in cardboard and believed to have been used to record information primarily during the 1970s and 80s – appear to have been penned between 1975 and 1979 by what experts assume were the era’s most prominent scholars and artists. “Four sisters


named Sledge made multiple contributions to these archives, as did five young men who are identified only as Village People,” said Daprich as he carefully


sorted through the priceless collection. “Unfortunately there are no markings on the tablet to indicate which village these men came from or inhabited, but their photo conjures shocking images of what that place may have looked like.” Tough Daprich admitted that much


of what is trying to be communicated through these records is, as he put


it,


“difficult to grasp,” Daprich and his colleagues, aſter exhaustive study of the records, have begun to piece together theories as to what circumstances forced such a far-out society of people into sudden extinction aſter having reigned


supreme for half a decade. “Trough study of these records, we’ve


formulated two possible scenarios for the overnight fall of the disco empire,” said Daprich. “Te first theory suggests that the disco culture was completely wiped out during a 1979 British invasion, in which an angry young anarchist we believe named Johnny the Rotten used


something called sex pistols to kill disco and forever change the landscape of the American culture.” “Another theory is that the entire disco


population got infected with a disease they called Saturday Night Fever and suffered a long, grueling death that everyone wished could have come a whole lot sooner,” Daprich said.


A page from the Recoil handbook...


Manning A Suicide Hotline


Volunteering to answer phones at a local suicide hotline can bring a person a great sense of satisfaction. Below is a basic guide for preventing a caller from taking his or her own life:


• If a jumper calls from a ledge on his cell phone, try to boost his self-confidence by complimenting him on the clear reception he’s getting.


• Suicide hotlines tend to receive a lot of prank calls, so always hang up on callers the first couple of times they call – if they keep calling back, you’ll know they’re serious.


• If the caller has a Middle Eastern accent, try to talk him into moving to an unpopulated area before continuing your conversation.


• Keep a small cooler at your station so you don’t have to put a caller on hold every time you need a fresh beer.


• Inform the caller that suicide is not about wanting to die, it’s about a powerful need for pain to end – a situation they can easily remedy by just taking a whole bunch of painkillers.


• People near suicide can sometimes be invigorated by hearing famous quotes. Maybe try reading them some Sylvia Plath.


• Threaten to put Dr. Phil on the line – the caller should straighten his act up good and quick.


• Counsel the caller with the suicide hotline mantra: “Suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem.” [NOTE TO FACT-CHECKER: SOMETHING SEEMS BACKWARD THERE – IS ‘PERMANENT’ MAYBE SPELLED ‘PERMENANT?’]


• Assure the caller that their suicidal feelings will likely pass in 20 or 30 years. • Suggest to the distraught caller that suicide is only part of the answer.


Page 1  |  Page 2  |  Page 3  |  Page 4  |  Page 5  |  Page 6  |  Page 7  |  Page 8  |  Page 9  |  Page 10  |  Page 11  |  Page 12  |  Page 13  |  Page 14  |  Page 15  |  Page 16  |  Page 17  |  Page 18  |  Page 19  |  Page 20  |  Page 21  |  Page 22  |  Page 23  |  Page 24  |  Page 25  |  Page 26  |  Page 27  |  Page 28  |  Page 29  |  Page 30  |  Page 31  |  Page 32  |  Page 33  |  Page 34  |  Page 35  |  Page 36  |  Page 37  |  Page 38  |  Page 39  |  Page 40  |  Page 41  |  Page 42  |  Page 43  |  Page 44  |  Page 45  |  Page 46  |  Page 47  |  Page 48  |  Page 49  |  Page 50  |  Page 51  |  Page 52  |  Page 53  |  Page 54  |  Page 55  |  Page 56  |  Page 57  |  Page 58  |  Page 59  |  Page 60  |  Page 61  |  Page 62  |  Page 63  |  Page 64  |  Page 65  |  Page 66  |  Page 67  |  Page 68  |  Page 69  |  Page 70  |  Page 71  |  Page 72  |  Page 73  |  Page 74  |  Page 75  |  Page 76  |  Page 77  |  Page 78  |  Page 79  |  Page 80  |  Page 81  |  Page 82  |  Page 83  |  Page 84  |  Page 85  |  Page 86  |  Page 87  |  Page 88  |  Page 89  |  Page 90  |  Page 91  |  Page 92  |  Page 93  |  Page 94  |  Page 95  |  Page 96  |  Page 97  |  Page 98  |  Page 99  |  Page 100  |  Page 101  |  Page 102  |  Page 103  |  Page 104  |  Page 105  |  Page 106  |  Page 107  |  Page 108  |  Page 109