WORLDWIDE HEADLINES Overweight couple’s
stomachs growl as one Huntsville, Ala. – Sue and Dennis Anchower, chronically obese lovers who have been married for just under four years, admitted Tursday that they love eating together so much that it oſten feels as though their stomachs are growling as one. “Dennis and I have so much in common it’s almost scary – almost like we’re the same person,” Sue Anchower explained. “We both love to cook, but we also like going out to eat, like to KFC or Pizza Hut or the Chinese buffet where we first met.” Dennis Anchower: “I think it’s because of all the little things that Sue and I get along so well. For example, we both usually get hungry at the same time. Sometimes, like when our stomachs are growling at the same time, it’s like they’re one – like we share the same stomach. Te same great, big stomach.”
Mom invited for dinner whenever
dishwasher broken Long Island, N.Y. – Nightclub manager Dave Elliot admitted to sources Wednesday that the 27-year-old bachelor tends to invite his widowed mother to dinner at his apartment only when his dishwasher appliance isn’t working and dirty dishes from previous days’ meals have begun to pile up. “Mom’s great to have over when there are lots of dishes
NICKELBACK from page 69
a whole new dimension to the band. We hope Nickelback fans will enjoy this more experimental direction.” As the band’s primary songwriter,
Kroeger first conceived the idea of introducing a fourth chord into Nickelback’s music almost a decade ago aſter collaborating with Saliva singer Josey Scott on the duo’s 2002 hit single “Hero.” “Josey is an absolute genius – that goes
without saying – but he’s also a great teacher and he plays a pretty mean guitar,” Kroeger said. “During one of our writing sessions I saw him fooling around with a chord I had never heard before, which he later told me was an A minor. I remember falling in love with the sound of that chord; it was dark and haunting, yet so full of life. Finally in 2010, when we both had some time off, I asked Josey to came out to Vancouver to teach me the chord. It was simultaneously the most difficult and exciting six weeks of my life.” When it came to writing songs for the
band’s as-of-yet untitled new album, Kroeger found that having a fourth chord at his disposal opened up an incredible range of possibilities for the band to explore. “Increasing our chord catalogue by
twenty-five percent allowed us to be more versatile with our songwriting,” boasted Kroeger. “Now we can have bridge sections, and on some of the songs
we change keys for my guitar solos – two things that were difficult to do when we only knew three chords. Also, the A minor has a very Latin feel to it, which allowed us to go completely off the map and lay down an up-tempo Latin groove complete with morocco accompaniment for one song. It’s amazing how much freedom this fourth chord has allowed us. I feel like shackles have been removed and we’re free to run wild.” According to guitarist Ryan Peake,
implementing a fourth chord into the arrangements was a daunting task that pushed each band member’s musical ability to their limits. “I still have trouble with some of the
changes, like going from a G chord to the A minor – you have to squeeze your fingers into this little tiny space,” said Peake, demonstrating the dynamic new note-grouping. “About half of the time I end up accidentally muting the high E string with the index finger of my fret hand. It’s kind of frustrating. I’m getting it, though. In the studio we just used ProTools to fix those kinds of mistakes, but we’re all working really hard to get the chord stage-ready for our upcoming tour.” Looking ahead to the band’s next album, Kroeger
and Peake both expressed
interest in experimenting with a different strumming pattern, as well as attempting to write songs that have different tempos.
that need doing, because she makes herself right at home in front of the sink and doesn’t quit until every last salad fork has been scrubbed to perfection,” said Elliot, lighting a cigarette and kicking back in front of the television while his mother toiled thanklessly in the kitchen aſter a modest dinner of grilled hamburgers. In addition to fully cleaning her son’s kitchen, Elliot’s mother also vacuumed his entire apartment and scrubbed his bathroom sink and toilet, jobs which the 62-year-old said her son “has never been able to get very enthused about.”
School’s Gay/Straight Alliance comprised
entirely of gays Bridgeport, Conn. – Senior members of Bridgeport High School’s student- based Gay/Straight Alliance admitted Friday that an overwhelming majority of their coalition’s members harbor the sexual preference indicated in the first half of their descriptive moniker. “It would probably be more accurate to call our club the Gay/Gay Alliance, if you actually sat down and did the math on it,” said Kurt Williams, president of the action-oriented committee
that meets
periodically to plan diversity awareness campaigns and other all-inclusive events. “I think our only two straight members thought they were gay when they joined the group last year but have since
rethought the whole thing or something.”
Dating widower looking for someone to grow even older
with Ft. Collins, Col. – Felix Moore, a recently widowed 78-year-old, has publicly declared his reentry into the dating field, stating in a personal ad printed in the Sunday edition of the Ft. Collins Courier that the retired mill worker is “looking for someone [he] can grow even older with.” “I knew the instant I met my [first wife] Doris that she was the woman I wanted to grow old with,” Moore recalled during a recent interview. “Now that Doris is in heaven, I’m hoping I’ll be able to find a nice elderly lady to get ancient with.”
Ting done number
on Boise, Idaho – Steve Warren, an experienced crane operator employed by Ace Construction Company, is reported to have done a number on one of the company’s air compressors when the controls for his crane malfunctioned Friday morning, causing the crane to over- rotate and sending the air compressor he was liſting crashing into the side of the building under construction.
Recoil’s
“Fortunately, none of the workers were hurt, but God damn did ol’ Steve ever do a number on our air compressor,” said foreman Gene Daughtry. Warren admitted to having done numbers on other pieces of company equipment in the past by accident, but refused to accept responsibility for doing the number on the air compressor, instead blaming equipment malfunction. Added Warren: “Well, at
least I’m not like Marv and
don’t ruin everybody’s day every single morning by doing a number on the site’s only Port-O-John.”
Dad would take bullet for son but won’t
cosign car loan San Jose, Calif. – John Torren,
[his] son, the
16-year-old son of Rick Torren, said Sunday that although his father has repeatedly affirmed that he “would do anything for
including
taking a bullet for [him],” the 55-year- old investment banker will not cosign a $1,200 car loan under any circumstances. “My dad’s all like, ‘You have to learn to pay your own way in this world’ and stuff,” said Torren of his father’s unwillingness to help secure financing for a 1993 Ford Escort. “Where’s the guy that ‘would do anything for me?’ I guess ‘anything’ excludes anything having to do with money.”
- I remember that as a child I always dreamed about growing up to become a protector of the people, standing tall and proud, protecting the public against the worst the world could ever blow your way. I guess that’s probably why I grew up to become a salad bar sneeze guard.
- Never judge a book by its cover. Do you think God would judge Te Bible by its cover? Because, you have to admit, the Bible has a pretty bland-looking cover. And this is GOD doing the judging, mind you.
- Is it at all weird that airport gates and hockey arenas are the only two places on Earth where there are boarding calls?
- In space, no one can hear you scream. On Earth, everyone can hear you scream – they just don’t care.
- On exactly whose authority are we taking it that that’s what General Tso’s chicken tasted like?
- Why do they always say, “And now, a man who needs no introduction,” and then they go ahead and introduce him anyway? Maybe instead they should say, “And now, a man who needs no execution.” And then maybe go ahead and execute him anyway, to avoid confusing the audience.
- All you really need in this world is a solid plan and a solid cat. Actually, probably even a below-average cat would do.
- All my life people have suggested I have my head examined. So I did. And it turns out my head has no abnormalities. Although the homeless drunk I hired to examine my head may not be exactly at the top of his field.
page 71
Shallow
Thoughts
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