WORLDWIDE HEADLINES


Area man finally able to be leſt alone with his


thoughts, television Encino, Calif. – Aſter what seemed like weeks of appeasing nonstop work deadlines and family-related commitments, area man Eddie Ryan was finally able to escape to the privacy of his study Friday evening, where he enjoyed nearly three hours alone with his thoughts and cable television, the 32-year old Investment Banker disclosed today. “I just hadn’t had any time to sit down and think or watch TV in so long,” Ryan said of his quiet, secluded evening spent pondering current life events during muted commercial breaks. “With all the running around I’ve been doing, for work and with the family, it felt really good to be leſt alone to think about life and catchTe Mentalist.


NAACP calls for more diverse hurricane


names Tallahassee, Fla. – During a Tursday morning press conference, officials at the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) called for the World Meteorological Organization (WMO) to make immediate changes to its longtime practice of consistently naming hurricanes with such Caucasian- sounding monikers. “Bret, Cindy, Stan – I challenge anyone to look at this year’s list of possible hurricane names and tell me it reflects our culturally diverse society,” said Marcus DeGoode, reading briefly from the WMO’s annual list of 21 possible storm names. “Take for example the last four ‘D’-named storms we’ve had: Dolly, Danny, Danielle and Dennis – all evidence of the pattern of subtle name


BUMP from page 25


near her Cole Street home. Tese letters, along with a petition signed by nearly half of Cole Street’s homeowners, prompted city officials to allocate $2,500 in local tax money to fund the bump’s February construction. Neighbors agree that while Cole Street’s


standard 25-mph speed-limit is routinely ignored by motorists during other sections of the road, the speed bump’s installation has prompted a substantial change in traffic speed in the area immediately surrounding the bump. “No matter if they are going twenty-


five [miles per hour] or sixty-five [miles per hour], they all reach for the brake when they get about a stone’s throw from the speed bump,” stated Moorhead’s neighbor Randall Bell. “Everyone that lives and recreates in this one-hundred foot stretch owes Misty a debt of gratitude. Pedestrians and other drivers are much safer when they are right here by this part of the road.”


page 26 Not all residents, however, agree that


the speed bump’s installation is a positive achievement, instead claiming it does little to control the overall speed of traffic on Cole Street. “Yeah, drivers decelerate to manage the


bump, but I swear at least half of them try to see exactly how close they can get


“Tey all reach for the


brake when they get about a stone’s throw from


the speed bump,” stated neighbor Randall Bell.


to it at full speed before slamming on the brakes at the last second,” said Palmer Kingsbury. “It’s like a little game to them. In fact, I’ve even seen drivers unfamiliar with the road actually speed up when they see the ‘Bump’ sign, like they need to make up for the time they’re going to


lose when they have to slow down.” With little hope of influencing Ada’s


traffic commission into removing the bump, Kingsbury and likeminded neighbors have


instead submitted a


formal complaint to the little-known Ada Joint Commission For Gentrification and the Promotion of Good Taste. AJCGPGT was founded in 1991 longstanding


by homeowners who


opposed a new resident’s excessive implementation of garden gnomes as yard décor. Offended neighbors created the AJCGPGT as a way of preserving their way of life. AJCGPGT continues to hold


neighborhood jurisdiction on certain matters, although it has acted only twice since 1991 as protection against the use of bright yellow house paint, and the public appearance of cutoff jean shorts. Te commission remains in existence “for the continued gentrification of east Grand Rapids and the preservation of


finer sensibilities.” Aſter reviewing Kingsbury’s complaint,


Fitzgerald Montague, chairman of the AJCGPGT, said the commission is only


“I’’ve even seen drivers unfamiliar with the road


actually speed up when they see the ‘Bump’ sign, like they need to make up for the time they’re going to lose when they have to slow down.”


allowed the power to rule against the speed bump on the basis of aesthetics, not functionality. “Te most compelling aspect of


Kingsbury’s 28-page complaint is that the offending obstacle has been painted with diagonal white lines, which may be a violation of local statues ensuring good taste,” said Montague.


discrimination that’s been going on for decades. Is it too much to ask that one of


these hurricanes be named Deon


or Dawanda?” Michael Spooner of the WMO issued a statement Friday refuting the notion of a bias, noting that Yolanda is a name frequently listed as a possible “Y” hurricane name. “Also, among this year’s potential Atlantic storm handles are the names Franklin and Katrina, both of which, we feel, could go either way.”


Temperature inside Eskimo sweatshop actually quite


reasonable Iqaluit, Nunavut – A new study out of Nunavut, Canada, has found that despite below-freezing spring weather, temperatures inside Iqaluit’s principal sweatshop are rather clement, all things considered. “Sure, most of us here work oppressively long hours in cramped conditions with poor ventilation,” said longtime sealskin wallet-maker Anuk Pukkeenegak. “But I have to say, the ol’ thermometer generally stays put around the sixty-eight degree mark. You really can’t beat that.” Co-worker Paj Aulanerk agreed with Pukkeenegak’s assessment, adding: “If I were to take a daily five- minute stretch break – which I most certainly cannot, by the way – I’d likely just relax at my idyllically temperate workstation instead of braving the nasty elements outside.” Te study claims the effects of the near-arctic outdoor environment on the windowless complex harboring the body heat of 70 overburdened laborers have created a veritable perfect storm of reasonable indoor climate. “I truly hope these employees realize how good they have it here,” said researcher Patrick Meehan. “Tis time of year, my corner office’s


central heating system makes me sweat like a Taiwanese nine-year-old pulling a double-shiſt at the Nike plant.”


Scientists isolate gene that makes cats suddenly stop whatever they’re


doing to take bath Washington, D.C. – Researchers at Georgetown University announced Monday results of a new study which pinpoints the gene in charge of triggering the common housecat’s shared impulse to abruptly stop whatever they are doing to at


before continuing with their activities. “For centuries mankind has


least partially bathe themselves stood in


wonder of this bizarre universal feline idiosyncrasy,” said Dr. Tomas Green, the genomics specialist who identified the gene responsible for the domesticated animal’s erratic behavior. “We’re of course busy mapping the respective genomes of hundreds of plants, animals, insects, fish and so forth, but just for myself, I really wanted to unlock the secret of what makes cats do that. I don’t know about everybody else on the [study’s] team, but I feel a whole lot better just having found the gene. Hopefully we’re on the way to being able to shut off that whole impromptu bathing thing, because it just really, really bugs me.”


People starting to wreak things other


than havoc Waterloo, Iowa – Early reports coming out of the country’s Midwest indicate that people are beginning to wreak things besides havoc, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Apparently, havoc is not


the only thing that can be wreaked – even though I can’t think ofand of a single other word that sounds right immediately following the word ‘wreak,’” said Jason Scribner, a 44-year-old library clerk who recalled having recently seen the word “wreak” used in a newspaper article. “Te dictionary defines ‘wreak’ as a verb meaning ‘to inflict or execute,’ such as in wreaking vengeance, punishment or justice. But as strange as it seems, the word is not necessarily supposed to imply a negative connotation. So hypothetically a person could wreak peace or wreak sympathy or wreak joy – as stupid as those phrases sound when you say them out loud.”


Terrible geometry student afraid to sail through Bermuda


Trapezoid Fort Lauderdale, Fla. – Afraid his vessel might suffer a similar fate as the many ships and planes reported to have sunk, crashed or gone missing while navigating through the area, marine enthusiast and poor geometry student Dale Smith told sources Wednesday he is afraid to sail his father’s watercraſt “anywhere near that Bermuda Trapezoid.” “Te half- million square miles of area between these three corners – Fort Lauderdale, Bermuda and Puerto Rico – make up the Bermuda Trapezoid, where bizarre marine disappearances have been taking place for more than a hundred years,” said Smith, 23, drawing a triangle with his finger on a map of the Atlantic Ocean. “No way I’m going anywhere near that area. I may be crazy, but I’m not stupid.” Smith, a senior at Texas A&M college, intends to graduate next year as long as he can manage a passing grade in his rudimentary geometry class, which to date he has failed four times.


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