SCIENCE Cloned cat just as much of an asshole as original
their right mind that would want another version of Rainbow walking around their house. Te cat hates everyone, you know.” Westhusin said that within minutes of
the clone’s birth on Dec. 21, 2001, even before DNA tests could confirm a match, members of the cloning team were certain the kitten was a legitimate clone of Rainbow. “Judging by Cc’s colors and the way
Rainbow (leſt) and Cc mingle before pissing all over a cloning team member’s clipboard.
Galveston, Tex. – Te world’s first clone of a domestic cat is every bit as much of an unfriendly, temperamental asshole as the feline from which she was cloned, members of the Texas A&M University cloning team confirmed Tursday. According to team member Mark
Westhusin, Cc (short for “Carbon Copy”), now a full-grown two-year-old, exhibits the same unpleasant demeanor and malevolent behavior as that of Rainbow, the three-colored calico from which Cc received her DNA.
FETUSES from page 57
fetuses that are constantly fidgeting around or displaying similar behavioral problems. Te medication reaches the fetus through the mother’s umbilical cord and causes a chemical reaction that corrects the dopamine imbalance assumed to be occurring in the fetus’ still-developing brain. “Tere are a large number of unborn
children who, through no fault of their own, simply cannot sit still while they’re in the womb,” David Morris, public relations director for Novartis, said during a recent interview. “Tese fetuses are oſten disrupting their mothers during their day-to-day activity by acting out – usually through punching and kicking – and causing much discomfort for their mothers, who would prefer that their unborn children sit quietly and not cause such commotions. It is to help control the behavior of these future infants that Pritalin® was designed.” Participating in the pre-natal study was
Arlene Dault, a 35-year-old mother of two who is currently expecting a baby girl in late January. “My little sunshine hasn’t kicked in
months, ever since I started taking Pritalin®,” said Dault, smiling as she rubbed her stomach with both hands.
page 60
“I started taking the medication in November, but before that my future little black belt would be kicking and punching me all day long. Now I sometimes wonder if she’s even still alive down there. Tat’s how well the pills are working.” Morris said that marketing executives
at Novartis are hoping that once Pritalin® gains FDA approval, the revolutionary drug will open up a vast, untapped market for the pharmaceutical giant. “Until now, one hundred percent of
methylphenidate prescriptions have been written for children or adults – patients who, remember, are already out of the womb,” said Morris. “With Pritalin®, we will now be able to start treating patients before they are even born, making it that much more likely that they will use Ritalin® aſter they are removed from the womb. Tat’s building customer loyalty at a never before heard of age: before they are even born.” Morris confirmed that Novartis will be a
willing and active participant in a future Georgetown University study aimed at discovering the short- and long-term effects of Pritalin® on child development following birth. Te study is scheduled to begin in the summer of 2012.
twitter: @RecoilMagazine “As you might expect, everything about
Cc’s personality – from the way she hisses and bares her fangs whenever you walk into the room to the way she scratches the hell out of you if you even try to touch her – is identical to Rainbow’s,” said Westhusin. “Te fact that Rainbow’s piss- poor attitude and thoroughly unlikable personality have transferred so perfectly to her clone is great news for pet owners who are looking to someday be able to clone their favorite pets. Although, honestly, I can’t imagine any pet owner in
she instinctively tried to bite [cloning team member] Tim [Sanders] on the hand for no reason, well, we pretty much knew right away she was Rainbow’s exact clone,” said Westhusin. “In fact, see these bite marks I have on each of my hands? Te one on my right hand is from Rainbow, the one on my leſt from Cc. See how the bite patterns are the same? Tat’s because having the same DNA has caused them to develop the same dental structure.” “Jesus, cats! Chill out!” interrupted A&M
researcher Mike Borland, struggling to keep Cc and Rainbow on his lap while posing for press photographers with the history-making felines. “Guys, can we wrap this up before these two shitheads send me to the emergency room?” Westhusin said that although Cc and
Rainbow are exactly alike in almost every way – including their size, color and general contempt for everything in the world that doesn’t involve them getting fed – the two felines do have slight differences.
METALLICA from page 57
who signed the petition were in fact longtime Metallica fans who had become increasingly fatigued with radio stations’ overplaying of the band’s music as well as the artistic direction the band has pursued since 1996’s Load LP. “I’ll admit, five or six years ago it was
pretty cool to hear rock stations playing three or four Metallica songs in a row on a daily basis, considering that these same stations wouldn’t even touch [Metallica singles] until ‘One’ came out,” said longtime fan Mark Elms. “But now every day when I hear that Mandatory Metallica intro, I’m like, ‘Jesus, enough is enough already.’ I guess these stations hadn’t figured out that everybody pretty much tuned out aſter they did that record where they played with that symphony.” “Man, does that record blow,” added
Elms. “I still can’t listen to the original ‘For Whom the Bell Tolls’ without hearing those goddamned string parts in my head now.” Tough program directors across the
nation voiced their opposition to the FCC’s decision, many radio station staff members expressed mixed feelings regarding the ban. “Aſter having abided to the daily
Metallica law for so many years, through the good and the bad, we’re all still coming to grips with the fact that
Mandatory Metallica is finally over,” said Rob Gaines, an aſternoon DJ at the Los Angeles station KROQ. “When I was growing up with Metallica’s music, I used to just dream about a time when their songs would receive any airplay, let alone be a staple component of every rock station’s play list. So in that sense, I’m kind of sad to think that now there won’t be a Mandatory Metallica segment every day. On the other hand, I couldn’t be more relieved to know that I won’t have to act like I’m excited to play ‘Te Unforgiven’ every other day. And don’t even get me started about having to hype up their Saint Anger singles, which everyone at the station agrees are complete trash.” Rather than fight the FCC regulation,
a majority of program directors polled indicated that they would instead introduce a new daily song block feature that spotlights an act that is currently experiencing significant popularity. “Here at KROQ we’re throwing around
the idea of starting a daily block called ‘Never-Ending Nickelback,’ which I’m not really sure how I feel about yet,” said Gaines. “I’ve also heard our PD talking about segments called ‘Essential Evanescense,’ ‘Compulsory Creed’ and ‘Unavoidable U2.’”
destroying the backs of all of our chairs [with
“Cc tends to spend her spare time her
claws], whereas Rainbow
prefers to trash the screens on all of our cages for her own personal amusement,” said Westhusin. “At first I was like, ‘Okay, next time we’re cloning a cat that’s been declawed.’ But then of course I realized that that wouldn’t work, that the kitten would in fact still be born with claws.” Besides taking every opportunity to
destroy University property and scratch or bite members of the cloning team, Rainbow and her asshole clone are also known to urinate on at least one piece of the team’s important paperwork on a daily basis. Westhusin admitted that although
his team is delighted that its landmark experiment was a success, team members do regret choosing such a detestable and hostile specimen for cloning. “I don’t know why we couldn’t have
picked a more gentle, fun-loving kitty to clone instead of that ornery little fucker, Rainbow,” said Westhusin. “At the time I guess all we were really concerned with was that the subject be healthy and have very distinctive features. It’s too bad nobody ever thought to stand up and say, ‘Does anybody else think it’s dumb that we’re about to create another version of a cat that none of us can stand to be in the same room with?’”
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