RECOILMAG.COM
NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST recoil Above: Museum security guard Marcus Andrews stands around looking like a complete dickhead.
Security guard confident he didn’t get job based solely on ability to just stand there looking like asshole
Above: Te Cape Girardeau levee, a known holder. (Inset): Delusional junkie Brad Smythe. Dope fiend convinced levee is holding
Cape Girardeau, Miss. – Jonesing heroin addict Brad Smythe, originally of Scott City, Miss., is obdurately convinced that
the levee located in Cape Girardeau is holding, the 23-year-old dope fiend told reporters early Friday. “Tis whole entire city’s been dry for, like, ever, man,” said Smythe, expressing
“I sure as hell don’t
want to have to resort to go begging some
spur dike for some H,” explained Smythe.
Shit shot
his frustration in finding somewhere to buy heroin during the last 36 hours. “But I know damn well that levee is holding. She’s always holding. And I need to
see LEVEE page 55
Washington, D.C. – Marcus Andrews, a recently hired security guard at Washington, D.C.’s Smithsonian American Art Museum, adamantly refuted allegations Saturday that he was selected for employment based solely on the 48-year-old’s keen ability to just stand around and look like a complete asshole all day long. “I was chosen from a field of for this
twelve applicants [security
guard] position based on my qualifications, experience and written recommendations,” Andrews stated in a defensively curt tone. “I’ve worked as a security guard for a number of organizations during my twenty-year career. I get the job done; I maintain order. Sure, my enforcement methods mostly involve constantly casting a hostile, disapproving gawk at everyone around me,
but I sincerely doubt
[Smithsonian officials] hired me simply because I was capable of looking like a bigger asshole than the other applicants. Tat’s just absurd.” Added Andrews: “Now unless you have any more questions, get your lazy lard-
ass moving. You’re holding up a huge line of people eager to view this priceless, idiotic painting [which was] obviously thrown together in five minutes by some deranged, drug-fueled hippie.” According to Andrews, effective crowd
“[Andrews] really gives off that look that says, ‘You best watch yourself,
motherfucker. Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking to you. I’m an authority figure around here,” said Prax.
control and public security require a skill set comprised of many components every bit as important as the capability to loiter around acting all superior and giving each passerby a malicious, unblinking stare equivalent to that of a paranoid maximum security prison inmate. “Tese folks hired me not only for
my peerless ability to make people act uncomfortably cautious, but also because see GUARD page 55
U.S. pledges increased funding for scientific advancement of useless crap
Atlantis landing brings to end rich history of shuttle explosions
quikSTAT
Most popular elderly activities • Staring • Sobbing • Shrieking • Microwaving
• Mumbling • Fidgeting • Nodding • Crank calling
Above: Some of the pointless gadgets already developed through decades of generous United States funding.
Washington, D.C. – According to an article published in the July issue of Consumers Reports magazine, increases in both government funding and private donations will account for the United States pledging a record $34 billion toward the scientific advancement of useless crap in 2011. “Laser pointers, one-use tooth floss
picks, barking flashlights, eye massagers – every ridiculous plastic trinket you’ve ever impulsively purchased in the checkout
lane at your local Walmart,
chances are that product was invented and developed right here in the good ol’ United States,”
said Mark Taylor, see CRAP page 55
page 53
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