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NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST recoil


Federal deficit forces elimination of three states


Above: Dalton at the company Halloween party with his wife Julie, who is rumored to be “no prize.” Area man here with that wife of his Federal cutbacks will force the closure of Illinois in 2018, South Dakota in 2019 and New Jersey by 2020.


Washington, D.C. – Officials at the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) said Monday that the national deficit will necessitate the phasing out of three states over the next seven years. “Te bottom line is that this country


cannot continue to operate in the red,” CBO Director Douglas Holtz-Eakin explained flatly at a morning press conference. “Citizens may not realize it but this country has no less than fiſty


Eliminating the states is not only expected to


provide relief to the federal deficit, but will also serve


to strengthen the solidarity of the remaining union.


Little League pitcher intentionally walks dog


independent states. Fiſty. In the business world, that’s what is known as ‘redundant overhead.’” Te cutbacks in statehood will begin


when federal officials close the doors see DEFICIT page 35


Hanover, N.J – According to sources, financial analyst Tim Dalton brought that wife of his to the company Halloween party the evening of Oct. 31, where the woman’s crude social skills and drunken antics only served to inflate her infamy among her husband’s coworkers. “Oh great, Tim brought that wife of his


with him,” recognized Blake Montgomery, a mid-level manager at Nabisco, where he’s worked alongside Dalton for the last six years. “If you’ve never met her, she’s a piece of work, that woman. Don’t get me wrong – you guys all know I think Tim’s great and everything. But that wife of his? Let’s just say she is no prize.” Coworkers recounted


that Mrs. Dalton had not accompanied her husband to an office party since Christmas of 2009, when an incident between her and a catering attendant led to a short fistfight and an appearance by the city police. “Oh god, her. I want to say [her name Jody or Judy or something,” said


is]


receptionist Annette Gaylord, observing Dalton’s socially perverse mannerisms as


the woman pushed her way to the front of the line at the open bar. “Julie, that’s right. Te only time I’ve ever spoken with her she was slurring so bad that I couldn’t make out her name past the first letter. I think that was the same night she tackled the janitor when he jokingly walked away with her cell phone. I don’t know whether she’s a drunk or just fucking weird.” Te wife’s surprise appearance sparked


a great deal of similar speculation among Dalton’s coworkers. “It’s weird because not many of us bring


“If you’ve never met her, she’s a piece of work, that woman,” said Montgomery.


our spouses to office parties except for Christmas,” Gaylord said ofandedly, her eyes transfixed on the blonde office-legend as the couple of five years worked the room. “Maybe Tim thought having


her dressed


as a zombie would somehow make her


seem less crazy. So much for that idea.” Employees voiced a number of different


theories as to what inspired Dalton to “drag that wife of his out of her dungeon [for]” this year’s office Halloween party. “Maybe Tim’s hoping no one will see WIFE page 35


Relief workers distribute food to customers stranded in line at Panera Bread


Sunset Hills, Missouri – Food, water and blankets were distributed by relief workers to customers stranded in line at an area Panera Bread location early Friday aſternoon. “God bless these relief people – we were


Denny’s potato, patron baked


Flim flammed


all starting to think we were literally going to die of starvation right here waiting in line,” said patron Avner Greenstein, 42, who could not recall exactly when he first arrived at the local franchise, but that it was “like, forever ago.” “Before [the Red Cross] showed up we’d only seen a couple of rescue ambulances come through to cart away some elderly customers who must have collapsed from malnutrition before they could get served.”


see PANERA page 36


Above: Red Cross volunteers distribute coffee, bread, soup and sandwiches to customers stranded in line at a local Panera Bread franchise.


page 33


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