Bachelor spy’s clothes washed on a need-to-wear basis


EDITORIAL


Te key to becoming a bum is maintaining an unsuccessful attitude


Classified location – A young, unmar- ried CIA special agent whose name could not be disclosed admitted Monday that, similar to how his confidential opera- tion information is divulged strictly on a need-to-know basis, the laundering of his consistently large pile of dirty clothes is done strictly on a need-to-wear basis. “I guess that whole need-to-know basis way of operating has kind of spilled over into my everyday behavior – like how I put off doing any laundry until I know I absolutely need clean clothes for the next day,” said the twentysomething bachelor. “It kind of makes sense, though, consid- ering my lifestyle. For instance, say I’m ordered to fly to the Ukraine to assas- sinate a target, I’m going to need a very different set of clean clothes than if I were going into the Colombian jungle to con- duct surveillance on a cocaine manufac- turing location,” the agent said in defense of the accusation that he was simply too lazy to get off the couch and do some laundry. Inside sources claimed that the constant backup of dirty dishes in the agent’s sink suggested that the precision government operative also washes dishes strictly on a need-to-eat basis.


SCORES Jets


Propellers 21 Area 2 Spirit of STUMBLE from page 7


the randomly flailing limbs of several participants without spilling the entire contents of his beer before articulating a slightly


more


succinct explanation of the Million Man Stumble’s


intent


message. “Did you know that drunk drivers are


one hundred percent more likely than straight drivers to face incarceration for


who arrive drunk to work are at a greater risk of losing their job than


Bryant then spent five minutes vomiting into a public garbage can before conducting a thorough search of his pockets looking for


or his car keys and passing out on a park bench.


sober employees? Our hope is that this demonstration will help rectify these situations.” In addition to participating in the Million Man Stumble, many of the activists will also take part in a parallel activity the


following Above: Million Man Stumble organizer Louis Bryant.


drunk driving?” queried a completely straight-faced Polaski. “Also, employees


page 8


day – a date recognized as the National Day of Absence – during which activists are encouraged to stay home from work, forget to pick up their kid for weekend v i s i t a t i on and skirt all other


daily


responsibilities they weren’t really going to be up for in the first place.


51 76


During my 13 years living on the streets of Detroit, I’ve seen a lot of bums come and go. A lot of these new hot shots show up one day in their moderately s o il ed


By Joey Riley


clothes, roam the streets talking to themselves for just one summer and then they’re gone. Tey come in walking the walk and talking the talk but they just don’t have what it takes to achieve longevity in this scene. Few real bums have the discipline it takes to never bathe or sleep indoors or know where


your Tis isn’t half as easy as one might think.


You see, without a job, a home, friends, family or television, there really isn’t a whole lot to keep your mind occupied when


you’re out


A lot of these new hot shots show up one day in their moderately soiled clothes, roam the streets


on the streets day aſter day, night aſter night. All that spare time eventually leads a man to thinking about your life and what you’ve done with it. Tis is where a lot of fellahs will start to lose faith in their choice in becoming a bum. You start to think, ‘Man, if I just got off the bottle, got cleaned up and took another shot at life, I could really be somebody.’ Tis is the kind of thinking that can


next meal is coming from for more than a few months at a time. As a veteran streetwalker, I know about every tip and trick there is to making it as a bum, but if I had to sum it all up into one axiom, it would probably be this: the key to becoming a bum is maintaining an unsuccessful attitude.


You’ve to constantly reassure


yourself that it’s impossible for you to hold down a job or keep a woman or even stay sober long enough to collect food stamps.


pick you right up out of the gutter. Te next thing you know you’ve called a friend or


relative to let


them know you’re not dead, that person shows up outside your cardboard box offering to help you get a fresh start and


that’s it – your days as a bum are over just as quickly as they started. No, if you’re going to be able to keep being a bum through both the bad


KEG from page 5


know? Deep down, I think I just wasn’t willing to accept that here it wasn’t even midnight and we were already out of beer. What a tragedy.” According to sources, Obeler spent


almost 10 minutes collecting both himself and two cans of beer from the refrigerator before regretfully informing his guests of the unfortunate circumstances. “Talk about a buzzkill,”


said Obeler. “I don’t think anybody at the party was really ready for something like this. I mean losing a keg isn’t like running out of fireworks. Tis was a party, and that was our keg – there’s really no overstating how tight that bond is.” Bereaved party guest John Hawthorne


Sources said that while Obeler


Approximately half of Obeler’s guests, visibly


frantically phoned party stores in a fruitless attempt to locate another available keg, approximately half of Obeler’s guests, visibly shaken by news of the keg’s demise and unable to cope with their loss, vacated the Obeler residence. “Tere wasn’t much in sticking


point


shaken by news of the keg’s demise and unable to cope with their loss, vacated the Obeler residence.


around at Trent’s place,” said guest Todd Forner. “I mean, there wasn’t really much we could do. And besides, we heard there was a band playing at a basement party across town – and


that one’s supposed to be a three-kegger.” One guest, 26-year-old Doyle Lungren,


echoed Obeler’s sentiments. “When I first heard about the keg dying I was like, ‘You’ve got to be kidding me,’” recalled Hawthorne, 16. “I swear I had just seen [the keg] less than twenty minutes earlier and she seemed really healthy, like she had a lot of life leſt in her yet. And then just like that, boom, she’s gone – and there’s nothing anyone can say or do to bring her back. I just hope I can find somebody here that will let me buy in on their case [of beer].”


went so far as to personally blame Obeler for the untimely deaths of both the keg and the party. “Dude, you always keep a back up [keg] on reserve [at


the party store],” said


Lungren, a veteran of the local house party scene. “Nothing kills a party like a dead keg. He should’ve been keeping a better eye on her to begin with. If she was dying he could have at least sent someone out to pick up a couple of cases [of beer]. If no other good comes of this, I hope everyone at least learned a lesson here tonight.”


talking to themselves for just one summer and then they’re gone.


times and the worse times, you’ve got to fight through that shit. You’ve got to constantly reassure yourself


that it’s


impossible for you to hold down a job or keep a woman or even stay sober long enough to collect food stamps. If you


can’t always maintain this unsuccessful attitude, someday soon even the laziest and craziest of bums are likely to find themselves waking up in a small apartment with a working heater and a cupboard that’s full of soup and noodles. And when this happens, let me assure you, you won’t be going to no library in order to use the bathroom anymore, that’s for sure. It won’t be long before you willingly climb into a warm bed and end up pulling blankets over you instead of newspapers – and that’s when you’ll know that you’re life as a bum has officially bottomed out. So remember, before you gamble


away your rent money, sell your car to buy drugs and start you’re new life as a bum, be sure you’re ready to maintain an unsuccessful attitude and make a lifelong commitment to non-excellence. Otherwise, you’re sure to fail.


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