RECOILMAG.COM
NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST recoil
Shower taken immediately aſter
Roofer nails shingles, housewife
dollar store visit Rockford, Md. – Dollar Dayze patron Andrea Witt, upon completing her purchases, sped home and immediately showered Friday in a panicked effort to counteract the icky, disquieting sensation induced by her 20-minute shopping experience. “Tat dollar store is just nasty,” said a feverishly lathering Witt from the shower of her Rockford home. “Te place is enough to make you gag. And the hygienic condition of those primates
that shop there. God.” Xim
Lei, manager of the Arlington Avenue retailer, defended his business. “We sell good product. Good product. You buy something? You go now,” Lei screamed.
Novice bulimic
Beginner guitarist says ‘wait’ between every chord
Tire ironed
recoilmag.com
regurgitates laxatives Bishopville, S.C. – Lincoln High School junior varsity cheerleader and aspiring bulimic Kimberly Heinz made a common beginner’s mistake Wednesday when the 16-year-old forcibly purged four Correctol tablets from her stomach only moments aſter swallowing the laxative medications, sources report. “It was a knee-jerk reaction,” explained the 120-pound Heinz, “I was a little lightheaded from fatigue and aſter I swallowed [the laxatives], I couldn’t remember what I’d eaten.” Heinz began experimenting with various eating disorders two months ago aſter varsity football captain Keith Maples told Heinz she had “a fat ass.”
Above: Gatske (leſt) and Millon discuss the degree to which their respective balls were tripped. Balls tripped off
Madison, Wis. – University of Wisconsin freshman Gabe Gatske told sources that the
19-year-old
political science major tripped his balls completely off Saturday, Sept. 6, aſter ingesting multiple doses of a powerful hallucinogen and attending a planetarium showing with friends.
“Dude, where’d you get that shit we took “I was tweaking so hard I
thought that big red dot on Saturn was going to eat me alive,” said Gatske.
last night? I swear, man, I was tripping my fucking balls off aſter we ate that second hit,” Gatske told friend Howard Millon at a late breakfast the following morning. “I was totally
[Hunter] Tompsoned before we even see BALLS page 19
U.S. Treasury no closer to finding cure for the penny
Washington, D.C. – Having exhausted nearly $350 million in federal research funding, the U.S. Treasury Department disclosed this week that it has made little progress in discovering a cure for the penny, a widespread financial parasite that experts say causes severe discomfort in otherwise e co n o mic a l l y healthy consumers. “Halting the
spread of the bronze menace
Above: Studies indicate that penny buildups can cause one or more asymmetric swellings to develop around the host’s lower torso, inhibiting free movement of the legs.
is not a battle that will be won overnight,” warned Treasury Spokesman Neil Rubin at a White House press conference held early Tursday morning. “But rest assured, our nation’s
top financial experts are determined to find methods of treating the millions of consumers nationwide who struggle daily to cope with the detrimental effects of the penny.” Tough infecting the American
pecuniary system in the 1790s, the penny has only recently risen in status to one of
Te parasitic pennies are said to spread from host to host during everyday
monetary transactions generated by the exchange of goods and services.
the most pervasive epidemics plaguing American consumers. As parasites, the pennies are said to spread from host to host during everyday monetary transactions generated by the exchange of goods or services. Once contracted, these see PENNY page 20
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