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NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST recoil
Tammy in human resources dressed
ESPN commentators trying to avoid saying new player’s name
like slut again today Indianapolis, Ind. – Sources at Elliot Manufacturers, an industrial packaging materials supply company, confirmed early this morning that Tammy Spicer in human resources came to work dressed like a total slut again today. “Did you get a look at Tammy yet this morning?” ac- counts manager Paul Albert asked mar- keting director Edward Richards aſter returning from an interview with a pro- spective salesperson. “I swear, that girl dresses like she’s going straight from here to her weekend stripper gig or something. I can’t believe nobody’s said anything to her about wearing those kinds of clothes to the office. Not that I’m complaining or anything.” Albert
later returned to
Spicer’s department to double-check his timesheet aſter Richards confirmed that the 24-year-old office assistant is not cur- rently dating any men from the office.
Above: Andrews curses God and all that is holy aſter failing to properly perform yet another routine task.
Area man can’t do a single goddamn thing right today “Tis entire day has just been for shit,”
Peterborough, Pa. – Aſter botching Elliot explained to coworkers as he used
a plethora of simple, everyday tasks, Peterborough Times classified editor
napkins to soak up a spilled Coke during lunch at a Lawrence Avenue Red Lobster.
Steve Elliot confirmed to sources that the 39-year-old can’t seem to do a single goddamn thing right today. “Tis entire day has
just been for shit,” Elliot explained to coworkers as he
used napkins to soak up a spilled Coke see MAN page 16
Nuclear plant’s safety report glowing
see PLOWE D page 4
Anticipation mounts over odometer rollover
quikSTAT Rejected vehicle names
- Nissan Sonama Bitch - Ford Exploder - Dodge Youjustdontcaravan - VW XYZ - Nissan Vulva - Ford Tortoise - Saab Story
Above: A disabled automobile assembly line robot (leſt) and a newer Fujitsu robot avoid the work of eight humans on the streets of our nation’s capital.
Nation’s homeless being replaced by lazier, less-efficient robots
Washington, D.C. – An annual report released this week by the U.S. Conference of Mayors shows that an increasing number of homeless people throughout the country are being replaced by lazier, less- efficient robots.
“What this study says is that our
“Humans simply can’t compete with machines’ ability to sit around and do nothing all day,” said Mangino.
perception of the nation’s homeless as
a group of men and women who are unable to adapt to society’s structure is
becoming increasingly outdated,”
said Philip Mangino, director of the U.S. Interagency Council (ICH) on Homelessness. “In truth, more and see ROBOTS page 14
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