LIGHTING from page 37


every night, without exception,” said Prevo, who founded the band with Keys in 1999. “Scott, on the other hand, can somehow manage to forget the bridge part to ‘Whole Lotta Love’ every other time we play it. I don’t know what that boy did to those poor brain cells of his, but


let’s just say most of them don’t


answer the phone anymore, if you know what I mean.” Guitarist Greg Adamski said that


intelligence is only one area in which the act’s high-tech lighting equipment outshines McCloud. “Not only is our lighting system smarter


than Scott, but it oſten shows a lot more artistic sense and versatility,” said Adamski. “With the push of a button, the MojoScans are capable of designing their own patterns and sequences. Ten there’s Scott, who can’t even come up with his own drum parts for our original [songs]. Seriously, one of us usually has to write the beats and fills because Scott can’t make up his own stuff.” Added Adamski: “It’s pretty sad to think


that artificial intelligence would actually be a step up for Scott.” Keys noted that members of the band


WORLDWIDE HEADLINES Card counter reveals secret: there are 52


cards Las Vegas, Nev. – Las Vegas native and semi-professional blackjack player Carl Smith’s new book, What the Casinos Don’t Want You to Know, reveals the secret behind his mysterious card-counting technique. “Each deck the casinos use contains fiſty-two cards,” the 44-year- old Smith discloses in Chapter One: Te Big Secret. Smith goes on to explain how this knowledge can be used to gain an advantage over the house: “What I do is announce the count, just to mentally throw the dealer off his game. I’ll say, ‘Tere are fiſty-two cards in that deck. Fiſty-two.’ Te dealer will oſten look back at me in complete bewilderment. Tat’s when I place my bet.”


Even aſter getting to know him, area man still seems like


complete prick Cleveland, Ohio – Area man Ken Crombie still seems like a complete prick, reported acquaintance Tyler Morgan aſter spending nearly five hours getting to know the 32-year-old insurance salesman earlier this week. Morgan, who dismissed his initial impression of Crombie based on mutual friend Steve Spruance’s insistence that “(Crombie) is cool, you just have get to know him,” spent Saturday aſternoon having lunch and playing golf with both Crombie and Spruance. Tis meeting, however, only


confirmed Morgan’s page 38 negative


also find their lighting system easier to work with than McCloud. “A lot of people think you need to be


some kind of genius to run a lightshow that uses intelligent lights, but the MojoScan system was designed to be simple to use,” said Keys. “Te lights are a breeze to set up and the [control] board is really simple to operate. In fact, working with the MojoScans is a hell of a lot easier than working with Scott, who’s always forgetting rehearsals or showing up late for gigs saying he got lost. If he’s not in jail that week for drunk driving, that is.” Although McCloud routinely displays


less intelligence, creativity and reliability than the band’s stage lighting, Keys said the band currently has no intention of replacing their longtime drummer. “Scott may be far and away the dimmest


bulb on our stage, but this band is a family, and you don’t kick a member of your family to the curb just because he’s a little slow,” said Keys, watching from afar as McCloud repeatedly circled the stage looking for his drumsticks. “Okay, maybe a lot slow,” Keys added


before suggesting to McCloud that he look in the back pocket of his jeans.


impression of Crombie. “He stiffed our waitress on the tip, cheated on ‘out of bounds’ rules and was giving the finger to nearly everyone on the golf course for no apparent reason,” said Morgan of Crombie’s abrasive persona. “What a fucking asshole.”


Surgeon dad routinely kicking son’s ass at


Operation Akron, Ohio – Dr. Stuart Johnson, a 50-year-old medical practitioner specializing in reconstructive bone surgery, routinely kicks his six-year- old son Colin’s ass at Operation, Milton Bradley’s battery-operated game of physical skill that challenges players’ nerves and hand-eye coordination. “Just think son, aſter seven years of college and three years of residency, you could be this good at the game too,” joked Dr. Johnson, using the tweezers to skillfully remove the white plastic slice of bread – known as the Bread Basket, the game’s most difficult piece to remove – increasing his already substantial 600-point lead over his son by another 1,000 points. “In real life, I’d bill the patient sixty thousand dollars for that,” added Dr. Johnson, failing to notice the tears streaming from his son’s eyes as the first grader’s shaking hand caused the buzzer to sound aſter failing to remove the Adam’s Apple on his fourth attempt.


Spammer running out of innovative ways to


spell ‘Cialis’ St. Paul, Minn. – In what may signify


ADVICE Ask A... Bottle Return Machine


Dear Bottle Return Machine, Are people who contribute to the environment by recycling privy to any tax breaks?– Ten Cents At A Time, Janesville, Wis.


Dear Ten Cents, Please insert bottom of container


first. Insert


empty can. Push receipt button when finished. **PLEASE WAIT** Can’t read barcode, try bottom first. Remove rejected can.


Push


receipt button when finished. **PLEASE WAIT** Bin full, can’t accept more containers. Please ask for assistance. Push receipt button when finished. Printing receipt. **PLEASE WAIT


OUT OF PAPER**


trouble for the American pharmaceutical industry,


professional spammer Ken


Paulsen has confessed he’s quickly running out of innovative ways to spell “Cialis” in his e-mail subject headings. “Spam filter technology is just getting too advanced,” claimed Paulsen. “Last week I bombarded eight-hundred-thousand AOL accounts with ‘C!@LI$ – just 75 cents/pill!!!’ and easily ninety-five percent of the e-mails bounced back.” Other recently rejected spellings of the popular male virility drug include “C.I.^.L;is,” “cI*AL-1s,” and the phonetically-based “see-AH-liss.” Te U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has taken stock of the situation, and believes Paulsen’s dilemma is symptomatic of a bigger issue. Said FDA Commissioner Andrew von Eschenbach: “If Americans are denied access to drugs like Cialis or Rogaine from internet-based middlemen using dubious bulk mailing campaigns, where are they supposed to go to fill their prescriptions?”


Real-life Ratatouille rat seasons cordon


bleu with saliva, feces New York, N.Y. – Manhattan’s Orange Pepper Bistro found life imitating art yesterday evening when a real- life Ratatouille rat scurried across the kitchen’s countertop and seasoned a veal cordon bleu dish with its own saliva and feces. “In all my years here at the restaurant, I’ve never seen anything so remarkable,” said sous-chef Robert McTeague. “It’s like I was watching the hit Pixar film take place at my very own prep station.” McTeague described the


rodent as being similar to Ratatouille’s loveable hero Remy, only without


the


capacity for speech, comic timing or cognitive reasoning ability. Despite these limitations, the furry visitor managed to both gnaw at and defecate on the $48 ham and cheese-infused entrée, not unlike a miniaturized, disease-ridden Wolfgang Puck. Noted McTeague: “Were it not in violation of fourteen separate health codes, we’d get rid of Alejandro and set the little critter up on dessert duty.”


Culver City consults the band Starship for urban development


recommendations Culver City, Calif. – In an effort to reinvent itself as a thriving metropolitan center, Culver City, Calif., has sought out


‘80s music ensemble Starship to


provide a series of urban development recommendations. Says Mayor Gary Silbiger, “Although Culver is now ninety years old, our population sits at a mere thirty-nine thousand people. We need to build this city, and if anyone knows how to meet that goal, it’s the civic- minded partnership of Grace Slick, Mickey Tomas, Craig Chaquico and Donny Baldwin.” Starship, which was also named both Jefferson Airplane and Jefferson Starship at different times, has already submitted a number of proposals, including a revised economic infrastructure, a tighter end-date for the long-delayed Expo Line rail system, and an incessant stream of tepid, corporate synth-pop passing itself off as relevant, anti-establishment rock ‘n’ roll.


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