EDITORIAL Promote Me to pilot or I quit


Drivers of the world, we have gathered here today to listen to My words. My words of resignation. Tat’s right,


By Jesus Christ


My days of “copiloting” your ’95 Saturns, ’86 Galants and other holy rolling rust buckets are at an end. I’m sick


of guiding you ignorant dolts through dangerous everyday traffic – generally unscathed and free from tickets – while you simpletons take sole credit for the prominent piloting position of your


SNOW from page 65


everyone’s driveways, so commuters can rest assured they will encounter safe driving conditions on the roads


this


morning,” said St. Joseph County Road Commissioner Dean Lang early Monday morning. “Tat’s assuming they can get their cars out of their driveways, of course.” Homeowners in St. Joseph County


confirmed that although personal weekend efforts to remove snow from their driveways in anticipation of having to get their cars out of their driveways and get to work Monday morning, county snowplows have completely negated their shoveling work. “I hope those bastards are proud of


themselves,” groaned Dane Morgan, a local homeowner, watching yet another snowplow blast a few more cubic yards of snow into his recently cleared driveway during its city plowing route. Morgan claimed to have spent close to two hours shoveling his driveway Sunday before county snowplows relocated a section of his street’s snow buildup into his


driveway. Morgan is just one of the hundreds of


area homeowners who are now part of the countywide effort to redistribute the snow back into the roads. “Here, you guys can have it all back,


how’s that?” yelled Barry Stephenson, shoveling the 14 inches of highly compacted snow thrown into his driveway by snowplows back out into the street. Stephenson’s sentiments were being echoed throughout the neighborhood by heavily-dressed homeowners, many of whom were also out shoveling and snowblowing the snow in their driveways back into the street during a widespread redistribution effort expected to last the entire morning. “Maybe we should find out where


these snowplow drivers live and plow snow into their driveways, see how they like it,” Stephenson shouted to one of his neighbors who was also shoveling his driveway. “If these drivers had any dignity they’d be out picking up cans off the streets for a living.”


worldly vessels. It’s this simple: promote Me to pilot or I quit. Tink I’m bluffing? Try Me. I swear, if I


see one more of those ‘Jesus is my copilot’ stickers, I’m going to hie myself on back into the heavens, and I’m not coming back. I mean it. Get this through your thick skulls: no returno el Jesuso. For how many years have humans been


boasting that I, Jesus Christ, Son of God, am merely the second in command of those ultra-conservative hunks of shit you’re driving? If you think you can manage the treacherous


roads


be drying on My letter of resignation when you people start wrapping those deathtraps around fenceposts while dialing in requests to hear “Michael, Row the Boat Ashore” on your Jesus Rocks radio stations. Frankly, I’m surprised you people


Tink I’m bluffing? Try Me. I swear, if I see one more of those ‘Jesus is my copilot’ stickers: no returno el Jesuso.


of the Earth without My divine spirit puppeting your every move, I say this: best of luck to you. Te ink will still


even have the nerve to forsake the First Commandment and sport those “Jesus is my copilot” bumper stickers in the first place. Ranking yourself above Me is, as you well know, an abomination, punishable by eternal damnation.


My Father does not look


kindly on those who consider themselves more important or of higher standing than Me, even if it is on a bumper sticker


GREECE from page 65


that’s supposed to glorify Me and spread My Father’s message. Yes, the correct wording, “I am Jesus’ copilot,” makes for one of


those awkward possessives


that end in “s apostrophe ,” but last time I checked, uncomfortable grammar is deemed a bit more tolerable than a fiery aſterlife. Acceptable would be a more pious and


humble sticker slogan, something like, “Jesus has my soul on cruise control” or “Jesus revs me up.” Tat would keep the light, trailer park style of motor vehicle humor in the message intact, while keeping yourself from being the center of attention in the message. Look, I’m all about patience and


understanding, always have been, but I think this bumper sticker thing has festered, unchecked, long enough. You have My ultimatum; I’ll expect an answer by 11 a.m. Sunday, Earth time. Amen.


Above: Swap & Shop, one of Athens’ most popular pawnshops.


would start out trying to lowball [me],” said Papoulias, noting that pawnshops typically deal only in the sales of jewelry, electronic devices, CDs, DVDs, tools and musical instruments. “So when Feraios pointed out all the product’s flaws and then offered me a measly


thirty-five


billion in cash for Greece’s government, I just thanked him for his time and started heading toward the door. Ten he was all, like, ‘Well, hang on a minute now…’ Tat’s when I knew he was really, really interested in owning our country’s ruling body.’”


Aſter further haggling with Feraios If Papoulias defaults on


the contract, Athens Swap & Shop will take legal possession of Greece’s


government aſter 30 days.


regarding the outright sale of the nation’s government, both parties instead agreed to pawn control of Greece for a loan of $157 billion – an amount Papoulias must repay, plus 10 percent interest, within 30 days. If Papoulias defaults on the contract, Athens Swap & Shop will take legal possession of


Greece’s government. Having signed the contract, Feraios then


photocopied Papoulias’ driver’s license, just in case the aforementioned property is later revealed to be a stolen item.


recoilmag.com


Above: Morgan is just one of the hundreds of area homeowners who are now part of the countywide effort to redistribute the snow back into the roads.


page 67


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