SKID ROW from page 85


multi-platinum debut album. “[Guitarist] Dave [“Te Snake” Sabo]


and I were practically kids when we wrote ‘Youth Gone Wild’ – hence the song’s title,” said a weathered-looking Bolan. “Now that we’re all in our mid- to late-forties, we thought that rewriting the lyrics for ‘Youth Gone Wild’ from a more experienced perspective would be a fun and perhaps enlightening experience. And, so far, it has – except for the fact that I can barely hold a pen in my hand long enough to write down a single verse of lyrics before my arthritis starts kicking in.” Bolan said that although the ‘80s band’s


current members held no reservations about inviting original drummer Rob Affuso to join the project, agreeing to reunite and collaborate with original vocalist Sebastian Bach prompted a long and somewhat heated debate among the aging group, who are now oſten grouchy for no reason and taking medication for their high blood-pressure. “Sebastian was pretty much already


in an advanced state of dementia when he was in the band twenty years ago,” admitted Bolan. “His behavior on the MTV reality show Supergroup a few years ago clearly indicated to us that his mental condition has deteriorated even further, which is a scary thought. Normally, most of [Skid Row’s members] wouldn’t sit down with that lunatic for a cup of coffee, let alone go into the studio to record with him. Who knows what kind of shit that nutbag is going to pull?” Sabo, who cofounded the band with


Bolan in 1986, echoed Bolan’s concern regarding


the band’s annoyingly


grandstanding frontman. “Did you see that first episode [of


Supergroup] where that moron was rolling around on the ground like a gorilla aſter getting to meet Ted Nugent?” asked Sabo, eminently shrugging in sincere bewilderment of the recollection. “[Tat] dude’s wiring is all messed up, man. Tat’s why we booted him in the first place, you know. Tis is a guy in need of serious psychiatric help.” “Fucking Ken doll-looking douchebag


sure can sing, though,” Sabo quietly voiced to himself in aſterthought.


Sources close to Bach reported that,


upon receiving a call from Skid Row’s management inquiring as to his interest in the project, the 44-year-old celebrity shouted: “What? Are you shitting me? Abso-fucking-lutely! I am in!” Bach then excitedly promised the caller that he would board the first flight to New Jersey – as soon as he attends an upcoming court date regarding his second drug possession charge in the last six months. Bolan said that despite the stockpile


of negatives sidling Bach’s short return to the band, he and his bandmates concluded that the recording of “Middle- Agers Gone Wild” unfortunately required Bach’s unmistakable voice, high vocal range and dynamic delivery in order to achieve Bolan’s vision for the song. “We decided that even if we forcibly


sedate and restrain him in the [studio’s] control room until we’re ready for his [vocal recording sessions], there’s still probably only a ten-to-twenty percent chance that he won’t find a way to wreck the entire project,” said Bolan. “But the song just won’t sound right without [Bach] singing on it, so we eventually decided to go ahead and roll the dice.” “Middle-Agers Gone Wild” will


reportedly follow the exact instrumental arrangements and vocal melody line of “Youth Gone Wild” while replacing the outdated lyrics with phrases more indicative of the members’ current ages, health conditions and adult-inspired emotions. “For example, the line ‘We walk an


endless mile’ will be replaced with ‘Wearily limp through an endless mile,’” said Bolan. “And instead of ‘My nasty reputation takes me everywhere,’ we’ll say ‘My cane and grumpy bitching takes me everywhere.’ You know, stuff like that.” Sabo said that should the revamped


song become popular enough, he, Bolan, and guitarist Scotti Hill will strongly consider recording and releasing updated versions of other tracks found on their breakthrough self-titled 1989 album – including songs titled “48 And Life,” “Can’t Stand Te Heart Attacks,” “Old Pregnant Sister” and “Big Gums,” as well as the ballad “I Tink I Remember You.”


HELP from page 85


international press corps Tursday morning before officially launching his proposal – corking the petition into a haggard wine bottle and heaving it into the tiding waters on the west side of the island.


Te thrice-elected Congressman


became stranded on the tiny landmass Sunday following the mysterious crash of a chartered overseas airplane en route to Europe in which none of the 12 passengers or crew members were thought to have survived.


longstanding message to the public: that he is in a life-threatening position and will surely die if the situation continues to be ignored. “I remember a few years back when the


Congressman felt compelled to send a message to each and every American taxpayer that he had fallen down a well,” Randolph said, recalling


the much-


“PLEASE HELP – STRANDED ON DESERTED ISLAND


SOMEWHERE OFF EAST COAST OF U.S.,” wrote an exhausted but determined Taylor.


Political analyst Peter Randolph said that


although Taylor may succeed in sending a pointed message to the American people regarding the need for immediate aid in this remote area of the world, the proposal in its current form stands little chance of facilitating the types of changes Taylor is seeking. “Even in the unlikely event that this


package does manage to land in the hands of a person capable of pushing forward such an initiative, the vague language comprising Taylor’s proposal make


it practically impossible for


anyone to take immediate action with the expectation of


success,” Randolph


argued. “Tis unfortunate wording not only leaves Taylor’s position woefully unclear, it also fails to map out a course of action for getting aid to those who have been displaced. Granted, no one expected Taylor to have listed his exact coordinates, but something a little more precise than ‘somewhere off East coast of U.S.’ would probably come in handy when the Navy Admiral starts asking where to deploy the search fleet.” Randolph noted that analysts have


long criticized Congressman Taylor’s unconventional and overdramatic proposals as being nothing more than a means through which to reiterate his


publicized 1998 event. “If I remember correctly, he drew up a proposal for emergency relief on the back of a candy bar wrapper, folded it into a paper airplane and managed to fly it up to the surface, where somebody picked it up it and lobbied to get it pushed through.” Randolph argued that


it also failed to provide


Taylor’s Please Get Me Out Of Tis Well Act of 1998 was similar to his current proposal in that step-by-step


instructions about how to successfully liberate the Congressman from his desolate position. “Tere wasn’t word one on that


document that explained how they were supposed to get him out of there,” said Randolph. “He didn’t even say how deep the well was. Fortunately, while legislators were wasting time arguing the logistics and costs of various rescue operations, Representative John Ellis [R-NY] thought to shout down the well to Taylor and discovered that he was barely more than an arm’s length from the surface. Long story short, Congress allocated


a fiſty-foot ladder and a


flashlight for the effort and Taylor was back with us before lunchtime. Te point being that if Taylor had included more information or rescue suggestions in his initial proposal, it would have saved the taxpayers a lot of money.” Experts speculate that Congressman


Taylor will sit motionless next to one of the deserted island’s seven trees and scan the horizon for signs of a rescue effort until as late as noon Saturday, by which time the sight of his proposal washing up on the North shore of the island will convince the Congressman to begin exploring suicide options.


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