WORLDWIDE HEADLINES


Landscaping crew plants bushes they will


later get high behind Kalamazoo, Mich. – Sources close to Great Landscaping workers reported Saturday having completed the transplanting of a 15-foot line of mature, view-obstructing Viburnum bushes along the property line of a private homeowner, behind which the employees intend to get high during breaks in the future. “Tis will be a good spot to sneak off and get into grass cutting-mode next year,” said landscaper Mannie Perez while packing sod around the freshly transplanted growths. “Whenever we’re scheduled to cut this site next year, I’m sure we’ll likely spend the whole day here, driving the lawnmowers in circles and shit.”


Overenthusiastic salute leaves soldier


unconscious Fayetteville, N.C. – Officials at Fort Bragg military base reported Tuesday that an enthusiastic young enlistee named Jeremy Dunn, 18, knocked himself unconscious during day one of basic training Monday, suffering a self-administered blow to the head while eagerly saluting drill sergeant Robert T. Bowers. “Tis little maggot must have the worst depth perception I have ever encountered in my twenty-two years in this man’s army,” barked Bowers, standing over Dunn as base medics


EDITORIAL


Evelyn’s orgies are always just such popularity contests Am I the only one who thinks that a


I know it’s hard to complain about being invited to an orgy; they seem so rare these days that a person really should just feel blessed in the event that they are actually


high school popularity contest. Yes, if the last three of Evelyn’s orgies


are any indication, the who and when of overriding majority


the of


sexual congress that will take place at this affair will be largely dictated by the


social status of


invites to these things. Unless, of course, you’re lucky enough to be one of the


four-hour DeSade-O-Rama is simply not the time for more social posturing?


the people involved. It happens every time: the guys that drive up in the Porsches or are local celebrities or whatever the hell – those are the guys that always get first crack at the party’s premium tail. Meanwhile, lowly ol’ office managers like myself typically end up sucking on the toes of whoever’s leſt. Now granted, I’m the quintessential


By Eric Crane


invited to one. But I have to admit, from the moment


I recognized the return


address on the envelope of this invitation, I was already shaking my head, knowing what I can expect if I decide to show up at another one of Evelyn’s semi-annual orgies: the naked adult equivalent of a


page 94


idealist, but wouldn’t it be nice to think that a group of 10 or 12 level-headed 30-somethings could simply get together for an evening of no-holds-barred sexual abandon and not have it


turn into a


petty game of popularity? Personally, I don’t think that’s too much to ask. And, indeed, sometimes that can happen – just not at one of Evelyn’s shindigs. Oh, no. No, you could be Dirk fucking Diggler and still barely even get yanked off by the superficial women that Evelyn


popular guys – you know the type, those Italian suit-wearing assholes who were obviously born with a silver dildo up their ass. I ask you, why should the best-looking


females at the orgy automatically gravitate toward the males who notoriously own


supposed to be: a guilt-free sexathon in which everyone involved is there for the sole purpose of dropping all social convictions and temporarily engaging in otherwise taboo acts of such massive and unreasonable sexual hedonism that it could make Caligula blush. Are


we not all on the same page here? Am I the only one who thinks that a four-hour DeSade-O-Rama is simply not the time for more social posturing? Look, we’re supposed to be acting like


adults here – I mean isn’t that the whole point about participating in improvised


We’re supposed to be acting like adults here – I mean isn’t that the whole point about participating in improvised group sex?


the best wardrobe when you’re involved in an activity that specifically refutes the wearing of clothing? I don’t know about you, but where I


come from, this popularity issue totally defeats the core spirit of what an orgy is


group sex: getting to act like an adult? I thought I had leſt this sort of juvenille stuff in the past when I graduated from high school. I guess not. Well, I can be juvenille too. I’m not going to RSVP.


worked to revive the Bradford, Minn., native. “Will somebody teach this young lady when to stop his arc, for Christ’s sake? Or at least issue the poor bastard a goddamn brain bucket before he salutes himself straight into the infirmary. I will give him this, though: the son of a bitch displayed some good upper-body strength there. He’ll be king hell in hand- to-hand [combat] – so long as we can get him karate-chopping in the right goddamned direction.”


Angus Alert activated in statewide hunt for


lost appetite Sault Saint Marie, Mich. – In accordance with the Angus Alert issued late Tursday night by Michigan State Police officials, area radio and television stations began airing information regarding the lost appetite of local party store owner Alan Peal, which Peal said mysteriously disappeared sometime between the ordering and serving of his medium-rare Angus steak at Outback Steakhouse on James St. early Tursday evening. “We had just finished ordering, because I remember commenting to the waiter about how famished I was,” Peal said, recalling the events leading up to his appetite’s disappearance. “I got up to go to the men’s room and there was somebody in one of the stalls totally puking his guts out. I practically ran back to my table; that’s when I noticed that my appetite was gone.” State Police


officer Jim McNeal told reporters that


although a majority of lost appetites end up coming back within 24 hours of their disappearance, some appetites invariably remain lost for days or even weeks. “Last month we initiated the Angus Alert aſter some guy’s girlfriend dumped him,” McNeal explained. “Te poor guy not only lost his girl that night – he also lost his appetite. From what I hear, he hasn’t eaten in weeks. What can I say? It’s a tragedy.”


Fed typo leads to increase in interest


rats Washington, D.C. – Economists and stock market analysts reacted with confusion Monday on news that the Federal Reserve Board approved a sharp and unexpected increase in interest rats, sources reported. “I don’t know what to make of it,” said Morgan-Stanley analyst Jeffery Stockard. “Te reference to rats is strange. Plus, an increase of a full half- point seems a little extreme. I would have expected a quarter-point raise at most.” Board Chairman Alan Greenspan later verified in a news conference that the announcement was actually a typo from the board’s meeting minutes, seeking to calm fears that the U.S. was reverting back to the highly unstable rodent- based economy of the 1820s. Greenspan blamed new secretary Melissa Anderson for the mistake, but Anderson defended her action, saying: “It didn’t look right,


but I thought, you know, maybe the economy involves rats. Interesting rats.” Aſter early declines, the market rallied on word the board was considering replacing Anderson with the highly- recommended front


desk receptionist


from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration.


Merck touts newly released drug that


won’t kill you Whitehouse Station, N.J. – On Wednesday, pharmaceutical giant Merck & Co. heralded the development of its new drug, Elemin, a medicine which the company insists does not appear to cause death. Originally developed to treat acid reflux, the drug has so far failed to show benefit in clinical trials and is currently being prescribed by doctors to treat inner ear infections. “We’re still tweaking the formula to produce an actual medical benefit, but one thing’s for sure: it won’t kill you. We’re testing for that now,” said Michael Stine, Merck’s vice president of marketing. Stine confirmed that his company is currently planning a multimillion dollar ad campaign, introducing Elemin as “the drug that won’t kill you,” with ads featuring a diverse array of people consuming the drug, dancing in fields and not dying.


recoilmag.com


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