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NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST recoil


Barn razed, raised St. Joseph, Mich. – Confusion ran rampant


XX marries XY


Irish Army Knife only useful for getting drunk


among the gathering of approximately 60 Amish community residents pitching in to raze and then raise a barn for River Country’s Jones family Saturday. Te confusion began promptly at 8 a.m., when every ablebodied man, woman and children arrived at the Jones property to begin the dismantling of the family’s aged and tattered barn. “I don’t get it. I thought we were here to raise a barn today, not take one apart,” said a bewildered Adam Crane, 18. Aſter the men razed the barn and the children toiled spiritedly in hauling away and burning the ancient lumber, the entire workforce gathered together at noon for what many thought was a job-finished celebratory lunch prepared by the women. “We all partook heartily at mealtime, most of us believing that we were done for the day,” said Cane Barger, 42. “Ten, aſter dessert, David [Jones] rose from his seat and said, ‘Well, I guess we better get moving if we’re going to raise this barn before sundown.’ Everyone just


sat there in


total silence, probably all thinking the same thing that I was:


‘Didn’t we just


get done doing that?’ As almost all of us learned that day, the words ‘raze’ and ‘raise’ are separate words that sound the exact same but have different spellings and


completely opposite meanings.”


Nook in cranny recoilmag.com


Questioning one another throughout the exhaustive effort of raising a completely new barn, workers eventually traced the root of the misunderstanding, attributing it to David Jones’ occasional vocal stutter. “David oſten stutters or repeats the same word a couple of times when speaking – hence the miscommunication when he asked the community to ‘help raze, raise a barn.’”


Family ripped apart by bitter divorce, bear


Above: Te Stevens family, shortly before being ripped apart by a bitter divorce and a wild bear (leſt).


Denver, Colo. – Sources close to the Robert Stevens family – a seemingly stable unit universally lauded throughout the neighborhood for nearly a decade as the absolute perfect model of a solid, modern suburban family – said Saturday morning that the family has been completely ripped apart by both Robert and Rebecca Stevens’ sudden and reportedly bitter divorce, as well as by the bear that had entered the family’s residence and ripped both parents, the couple’s three children and the family dog to pieces Friday night. “It’s really just a god-awful tragedy


when a family is ripped apart by divorce and the children start getting used as bargaining tools for a settlement,” said Bernard Longer, a neighbor and close family friend. “In my opinion, nothing tears a family apart limb by limb quicker and more painfully than a spiteful divorce


Neighbor Bernard


Longer: “[It] looks like they’re definitely split apart for good now.”


involving custody battles. Well, except in this case, for that huge bear they found in their kitchen. Tose are some mean, angry bastards.” Added Longer: “Bears, I meant, are mean bastards. Not Robert and Rebecca – at least not in my experience with them. Tey


always


presented themselves as the perfect couple, but they must have


been very unhappy if they were filing for divorce. Who knows what finally did it – abuse, infidelity, bickering, lying, wild bear in the kitchen – but [it] looks like they’re definitely split apart for good now.” According to Denver Police Officer


James Knight, who was first on the scene aſter responding to a domestic violence complaint, situations such as what occurred to the Stevens family are becoming more and more common in see BEAR page 104


Local band singers demand more vocal in stage monitors


Austin, Texas – Singers for all of Austin’s unsigned original bands sternly demanded an increase in the volume of the vocals in the front stage monitor speakers at every live music venue across Austin Friday night. “I’m gonna need more vocal in the


Above: Six representatives of the 97-member coalition of singers demanding louder vocal monitors.


monitors up here,” David Teller, singer for the local rock band Mein Cough, told soundman Brian Waltz through the center stage microphone at Emo’s nightclub immediately following the band’s first song. “Seriously, man – I can’t hear myself at all onstage.” Similar scenes played out simultaneously throughout the city’s nightclubs as the


entire coalition of local band singers continued to present its unified front in demand of louder vocals in the monitors. “Dude, I can only hear myself [singing]


“I’m gonna need more


through the main [house speakers],” said Tyrannosaurus Sex singer John Sanders, demanding that Te Parish nightclub’s sound technician Mike Authier


increase


vocal in the monitors up here,” David Teller told soundman Brian Waltz.


the


volume of the vocal monitors. Tough fully aware that the monitor system would be unable


to provide sufficient headroom to adequately compete with the band’s stage volume, Authier attempted to meet the singer’s demand for increased volume, see MONITORS page 104


page 101


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