A page from the Recoil handbook... Boating Tips


Setting out upon the open water can be both an exciting and relaxing summer activity. Here are some tips for getting the most from your aquatic experience:


• Men should don a captain’s hat, so readers will know right away that this particular MMFF hardcore series has a nautical theme.


• When learning the ropes from an experienced seaman, be sure to ask, “How do you know if it’s male or female?” when he point out a buoy. Tey love that one.


• It is unwritten boater’s code that jet skiers are to be treated like the mosquitoes of the aquatic world.


• Yes, believe it or not, some idiot – obviously unschooled in simple physics and spatial-relations concepts – officially decreed that the smaller boat always has the right of way. He or she obviously had no real world experience.


• Use the harbor’s buoys to pinpoint exactly where federal law becomes some half- forgotten set of schoolboy guidelines.


• Most gangsters agree that it’s bad luck to throw a body over the port side of the boat.


• If you’re sailing solo for the first time and somehow find youself seated at Captain Stubing’s dinner table, you can expect to fall helplessly in love with an unknown soulmate before reaching Porta Vallarta.


• Trick your brain into confusing lighthouses with whorehouses – that way you’ll have a legitimate reason to keep an eye out for them.


• Remember, taking hot chicks out on a rented 100-foot boat outfitted with a live reggae band, two kegs of beer and a punch bowl filled with cocaine will not necessarily guarantee you’ll get laid, you ugly son of a bitch.


• Due to recent changes in state and federal laws, houseboats are now only available to middle-aged divorcees and detectives.


• Try to work in a witty joke when encouraging Q to outfit your vessel with extra missiles.


• Though it’s considered juvenile to say, “Fine, then I’m not going to work either!” while crossing your arms and turning your back on the outboard motor, sometimes it’s the only way to settle things. Besides, the motor’s the one that started it.


PRISON from page 81


use if I were incarcerated. Te results are simply splendid.” Premiering the line at New York’s Lincoln


Correctional Facility – a chic minimum- security prison in which Stewart has expressed considerable interest as of late – the opening featured an entire block of cells outfitted entirely using Big House Living décor and furnishings. “Tis lavish prison shank holder, for


instance, is available in an array of colors, each specially chosen to compliment even the dreariest of gray concrete cell walls,” said Stweart, modeling the products from inside one of the prison wing’s eight-by-eight-foot confinements. Carefully placing four immaculately hand-painted Stewart,


brandishing


shanks in the holder, her


trademark


smile, added: “Look at that. It’s like a little ray of sunshine, isn’t it?” Stewart maintained a jovial spirit


throughout the event despite looming indictments for her timely Dec. 27 sale of 4,000 shares of ImClone stock a day before the FDA denied approval of that company’s Ebritux cancer drug. “I can see how


these would come in handy,” joked an upbeat Stewart, snatching a crudely sharpened toothbrush from the holder and making several playful stabbing motions, much to media photographers’ delight. “With these products, you’ll be able


to hold


your own out in the yard or shower area, and still maintain the Living style.” Also included in Stewart’s signature


line of housewares are such items as handmade bloodstain-resistant floor coverings and designer drapery and bunk sets equipped with hidden contraband


BINGE from page 81 Walters said that the dangerously low


level of binge drinking during college breaks can have a significantly negative effect on the local economy. “Taverns, liquor stores and hospital


recoilmag.com facebook.com/recoilmagazine


@RecoilMagazine page 83


emergency rooms located near campuses suffer significantly decreased business during college breaks,” Walters explained. “Obviously, less binge drinking means less beer and liquor sales, and less cases of alcohol poisoning. In many college towns, large numbers of paramedics and ambulance drivers find themselves laid off during summer recess because so few students are recreationally drinking until they pass out and choke to death on their own vomit.” Pete Wagner, owner of McGruder’s


Pub near the University of Wisconsin in Madison, agreed with the study’s findings, saying that summer breaks routinely cause such drastic shortages in binge drinking as to threaten his establishment’s ability to stay afloat. “No doubt about it: without the college


kids in here drinking themselves stupid it’s hard to make ends meet,” said Wagner, who said he prides himself on having served many a U of W student their first drink too many during the last 15 years. “Sure, while college is out of session, there’s a lot less scrubbing puke off the floor, and there aren’t nearly as many in- booth rape incidents to speak of, but at what price, you know?”


pockets. “And, of course, those serving


considerable amounts of time will also want to pick up a copy of my new prison-oriented arts and craſts book, Turning Te Big House Into A Big Home,” said Stewart. “Also, the October issue of Living magazine features a four-page spread outlining many of my secrets to prison cell decorating.” Near the close of the event, media


representatives screened several television commercials introducing the new line – part of a $10 million national multimedia advertising campaign – which feature Stewart personally decorating her own minimum-security prison cell with Big House Living furnishings. “My fans appreciate that, with the


Also included in Stewart’s signature line of housewares are such items as handmade bloodstain-resistant floor coverings and designer


drapery and bunk sets equipped with hidden contraband pockets.


Living lines, they can purchase and use the very same lifestyle accessories that I myself use,” said Stewart. “And Te Big House Living line is no exception. Te way things are looking right now, I’ll be furnishing my [new] home e xc l u s i ve l y with these new products.” Although the


new line currently features only h o u s e wa r es,


Stewart said the line could easily expand to include other products as she further examines the lifestyle needs of modern incarcerated women. “I already envision a line of bright


orange casual wear, and maybe bed and bath products like medicated tissue and scented sodomy lubricants,” said Stewart. “If things work out the way I expect, I’ll be getting to know even more about the prison lifestyle and how I can bring to it the Living touch.


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