DEFENSE F-29 Crowdsmasher making huge impacts at airshows
of the emergency response team to the typically oblivious peanut vendors simply refuse to take their eyes off the plane for a single moment while it’s in the air – they’re that captivated. It’s exciting to see that they seem to have a real vested interest in the jet’s performance.” The F-29 Crowdsmasher – assigned
its foreboding moniker for its notable tendency to veer out of control and crash into large contingencies of airshow onlookers – has brought widespread attention to military aerial demonstrations, but has yet to translate to increased airshow ticket sales. “We’re hoping that what the
Above: A publicity photo of the F-29 Crowdsmasher in action.
Andrews Air Force Base, Md. – Despite having only recently been cleared to participate in both military combat and public airshows, the new Lockheed Martin F-29 Crowdsmasher
fighter
jet has already made huge impacts with airshow
audiences,
having twice during June demonstrations abandoned its scripted flight plan and produced spectacular ground collisions, fully engaging large numbers of surprised spectators in the
process. “When the Crowdsmasher goes up for
its demonstration, it literally just seems to drive each and every [airshow] audience
glorification of multi-car crashes has done for NASCAR’s popularity, the Crowdsmasher can do for airshows,” said Clearing, confirming the dramatic increase in airshow press coverage since the F-29’s fantastic crashes. “There’s a real buzz being generated by the prospect
“The steady decline in attendance at public airshows during the last decade to me indicates that the lure of a simple mid-air collision has not been enough to attract interest in today’s hands-on market,” said David Moore.
member right to the very edge of their seat,” said Fredrick Airshow promotions director Natalie Clearing. “Everyone from the paying customers to members
of the Crowdsmasher’s dual Pratt & Whitney® engines using a combined 70,000 pounds of thrust to send the craft cart-wheeling into scores of screaming
spectators.” Clearing suggested that the F-29’s
unique ability to intimately interact with airshow audiences is driving the jet’s unprecedented popularity. “The steady decline in attendance at
public airshows during the last decade to me indicates that the lure of a simple mid-air collision has not been enough to attract interest in today’s hands-on market,” said David Moore, former pilot for the legendary stunt aviator squad the Blue Angels, who also consulted on the design of the F-29. “The Crowdsmasher is building a reputation as being able to consistently deliver a truly interactive experience for a good percentage of an airshow’s audience.” Added Moore: “If being able to see and
feel a sixteen million dollar jet up close while it’s actually in the air, even if only for a split second, doesn’t draw audiences, I’m not sure what will.” Clearing agreed with Moore’s
sentiments, saying that airshow planning committees have been unable to envision an attraction capable of drawing as much attention to aerial demonstrations as the crashing of an airshow’s star component into paying attendees. “The Crowdsmasher is a guaranteed
showstopper, that’s for sure,” Clearing said.
A page from the Recoil handbook... Going to the Beach
Nothing spells summer fun like a day at the beach. Here are some tips to help you enjoy your day in the sun: lifeguard at least finishes his or her cigarette.
• Remember, we each must share the beach with others. That means you should let the most needy-looking persons have first dibs on the discarded syringes.
• It is said that extract from the herb St. John’s Wort can relieve the effects of sunburn. It is also said that if you kiss your sunburn three times right before you go to bed, the Sunburn Fairy will visit during the night and magically heal you.
• When swimming, beware of rip tides, sneaker waves, undertows and other cowardly terrorist ploys.
• Diving headfirst into unfamiliar waters will let you know right away if the area is safe for diving or not.
• Rendezvous at the beach seawall at the base of the cliff, which will offer some safety from the Germans’ stationary guns. As Navy Destroyers storm in, scale the cliff in small groups and take out the resistance nests using small arms and grenades. (This tip provided by U.S. Lieutenant General Omar Bradley, Omaha Beach, Normandy, circa 1944.)
• Never, ever swim alone. If you don’t have anyone to swim with, try placing a personal ad that says you’re looking for someone to get wet with.
• Be considerate: don’t almost drown until after the page 98
• Clerics and magic-users (third-level or higher) can use their Protection From Energy spell to combat the effects of the sun. The rest of you peasants will either need to find a Scroll of Protection or cough up enough platinum pieces to buy some sunscreen.
• If you have been dreaming of saying “Enough!” and finally drawing a line in the sand once and for all, during your trip to the beach would be an opportune time.
• Keep in mind that littering is not permitted on most beaches until 5 p.m.
• If you encounter a Sand Witch, ask her to cast a spell and make you one of those things with bread and bologna and ketchup that you can eat.
• While you’re out scouring the beach day and night with that
metal detector, you may want to see if that machine can help you dig up a goddamned life, too.
• Alcohol dehydrates the body, which is why it’s such a good idea to drink beer at the beach – there’s nothing like a good swim to hydrate the body after you’ve drank yourself stupid.
• After eating, you should hold your breath for at least one hour before swimming. [NOTE TO FACT- CHECKER: CAN YOU RECHECK THIS ONE? SOMETHING JUST DOESN’T SOUND RIGHT ABOUT IT. EDITOR.]
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