RECOILMAG.COM
NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST recoil
Report: pornography instills teenagers with false image of
Major League Baseball slowly, ever so slowly reaches completion
librarians Little Rock, Ark. – Te universally held suspicion among male youths that all female librarians transform from polite, repressed spinsters into coquettish, aggressive sexpots upon the removal of glasses and hair pins is unrealistic, or at least exaggerated, Cornell University researchers announced Monday. “Most males carry this cruel myth well into adulthood,” explained UCLA professor Harvey Paris. “Creative shortcomings among adult film and magazine producers are largely to blame, since they overuse
the time-tested library scene Buck stopped
‘Tis won’t hurt a bit,’ claim nation’s
mean, lying nurses New York, N.Y. – America’s no-good, deceptive nurses once again falsely announced this week that children would barely feel a thing moments before agonizingly puncturing their skins with razor-sharp needles. “Tis won’t hurt a bit,” declared a
nation of misleading and callous see NURSES page 100
with such regularity that it ingrains a false image of librarians into the minds of impressionable youths. Sadly, in real life, most librarians do not turn out to be the hot little sex kittens that use their esteemed position to seduce young men into becoming their love slaves, undressing slowly atop their desks…” Paris then excused himself and retired to the men’s room for more than 10 minutes.
Above: Psychologically unstable ex-Navy seal Neil Quinn (right) cleans his weaponry, unbothered by the presence of the physical apparition of Gale Roberts’ spirit.
House’s ghost more scared of psycho new tenant than vice versa
Charleston, S.C. – Sources reported Tursday that the physical apparition of the spirit of a deceased, well-liked Charleston woman now haunting her former Trentwood Avenue home seems unable to scare the house’s newest tenant to nearly the same degree that the psycho ex-Navy seal’s unorthodox day-to-day behavior scares her. Gale Roberts, an unmarried 37-year- old woman with no children who was
very active in her community and highly regarded by her neighbors, died mysteriously in her sleep Aug. 14. Because Roberts had lived alone and never formally generated a will, the house she had bought and lived in for nearly two decades was sold at a public auction to Neil Quinn, a psychologically unstable loner who immediately stripped the home of all of Roberts’ possessions, see GHOST page 100
New study reveals lack of new subjects to study
New York, N.Y. – Results from a recent study conducted by a group of researchers at Columbia University’s School of Academic
conclusively the absence of any new subjects available for scientific research. “I’m afraid that aſter
Sciences demonstrates
Dr. Nosworth: “We’ve blown our whole wad.
thorough investigation, it has been determined that there are no longer any health issues to research, no environmental links to correlate, in fact no topics at all that warrant thorough
Tere’s just nothing leſt to study. Zero. Squat. Nada.”
study,” said Columbia researcher Dr. Irwin Nosworth, dropping his shoulders in despair during a press conference Monday aſternoon. “Apparently, the researchers of this and past generations have simply gone and studied everything that
can be
studied. We’ve blown our whole wad. Tere’s just
nothing leſt to study. Zero. Squat. Nada.” According to Nosworth, the study’s results merely confirmed a situation see STUDY page 100
Leſt: Researchers sit around trying to think of something to study. page 97
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