HEALTH


HOROSCOPES


Libra (September 23 to October 22) Police will continue to pull you over until you remove those anti-establishment bumper stickers. Hassling you boat rockers is simply a stitch-in-time, bud-nipping


police tactic; intelligent, thought-


provoking bumper stickers oſten prod people into thinking for themselves – effectively loosening Big Brother’s chokehold and leading to anti-government riots the police will have to work through weekends to control.


Scorpio (October 23 to November 21) Although Scorpio’s quick-witted humor oſten pumps life into light-hearted social events, your sarcastic quips won’t go over with uppity dinner party cliques; those superficial snobs sold their senses of humor long ago. Be warned, high society table etiquette suggests you refrain from slinging such zingers as, “Which of these three forks do you people use for stabbing each other in the back?” Tey won’t be amused.


Nine-year-old Tamra Wilcox (above) prefers the chewable contraceptive tablets to conventional “swallow pills.” (Inset) Te recent approval of Ortho-Novum 1/12 by the FDA is expected to significantly lessen the amount of preteen pregnancies reported yearly in the U.S.


New chewable birth control pill


New York, N.Y. – Green-lighted by last month’s Food and Drug Administration approval, drug manufacturer Ortho- McNeil Pharmaceuticals unveiled Monday the company’s newest oral contraceptive: Ortho-Novum 1/12 – the world’s first chewable birth control pill. Designed to target the ever-growing


demographic of at-risk preteen females, the edible Ortho-Novum 1/12 tablet boasts an easier ingestion process than its orally administered predecessors or competitors. “Mommy was always making me take


those icky-tasting swallow pills,” said Tamra Wilcox, the blossoming, nubile nine-year-old daughter of Pensicola, Fla., pro-choicers Daniel and Rita Wilcox. “Tis new pill I eat with my Flinstones®; they’re fun and taste good, and Mommy says they will help keep me from growing up too fast.


I’m really not sure what


Mommy means by that, but she says I’ll probably understand pretty


soon because


aims to combat preteen pregnancy changes,” explained Monroe of Ortho- McNeil’s history. “Today, the American parent’s demand is for a fun-to-take chewable that inhibits the ability of their precious darling’s eggs to travel through the fallopian tubes, alters


their cutie-


pie’s cervical mucus to block sperm, and partially inhibits implantation in Daddy’s little angel’s uterine wall.” Te drug’s $50 million promotional


campaign is a clear indication of Ortho- McNeil’s firm belief in the magnitude of the chewable contraceptive’s targeted demographic. Having already negotiated an exclusive three-year promotional contract with teen pop sensation Britney Spears, Ortho-Novum appears poised to stake claim as the industry standard among today’s sexually liberated preteen female. “We contracted Spears not only because


I’m extra-cute and have the body of a twelve- year-old.” Ortho-McNeil CEO Blaine Monroe says


Te edible Ortho-Novum 1/12 tablet boasts an easier ingestion process than its orally administered


his company’s breakthrough chewable tablet form – presented in shapes of bears and other adorable wildlife animals – was simply a necessary evolution for a company that has for many years been monitoring the gradual drop in the median age of sexually active youths – a number which studies show is quickly approaching the single-digit mark. “Obviously, our company has survived


because of its ability to fill a demand, and the ability to adapt as that demand


of her weighty role in creating our target market, but because she can also help us sell to


that market,” predecessors or competitors.


explained Monroe, outlining Ortho- McNeil’s promotional campaign for the


drug. “As Spears continues to negatively influence the moral standards of our nation, the average age of our sexually active youth is expected to drop to a point where a chewable oral contraceptive will become an absolute necessity for concerned parents who don’t want their babies having babies before at least reaching their teens.” By mid-summer, parents can expect


to find Ortho-Novum 1/12 in the new pharmacy departments of Toys-R-Us and Kay-Bee Toy retailers.


Sagittarius(November 22 to December 21) Sexually overactive Sagittarius needs to either lose the pro-life stance or adopt a reliable method of barricading procreation’s persistent march. Tose not ready for parenting shouldn’t gamble with the possibility of pregnancy – one thing is for certain: if you play long enough in the poker game of unprotected sex, you will eventually end up with a full house.


Capricorn (December 22 to January 19) Don’t kid yourself into thinking the culmination of your child’s video game obsession will be a high-paying job in the computer field – few companies are willing to hire someone whose computer knowledge is limited to the location of the secret warp boards in Super Mario Brothers.


Aquarius (January 20 to February 18) Broken-hearted Aquarius’


pleading


letters to the ex read like applications to an insane asylum; “I can change” and “that wasn’t the real me” are the confused babblings of a person who either has multiple personalities or is so internally malleable that there isn’t even a solid person inside to be attracted to, let alone love.


Pisces (February 19 to March 20) Garage sale-deprived Pisces will continue to suffer Saturday morning withdrawals until next spring revitalizes the entrepreneurial spirit in suburban homeowners. Maybe you should use this down time to ponder the rationale behind


siſting through the useless


garbage that seemingly well-to-do families feel compelled to peddle for 10 cents, rather than throw away.


Aries (March 21 to April 19) Aries is plagued by a fatal compulsion to accept secondhand hearsay as sworn fact. Beware; the rumor mill is a factory of fiction and exaggeration where employees eagerly work overtime to meet demand for their prime product: truthless gossip. Remember, just because


someone says your ex turned gay doesn’t necessarily make it so – no matter how probable it may seem.


Taurus (April 20 to May 20) Letting your heart be your guide is as surefire a way of ending up in the wrong place as carpooling with Ray Charles; half the time your heart’s fickle emotional compass leads you in the wrong direction. For efficiency’s sake, ignore your blood-pumper’s misguiding influence; focus instead on approaching life’s decisions with the meticulous, disciplined logic of a Vulcan mathematician with OCD.


Gemini (May 21 to June 20) Entertaining your mate’s late-night hypothetical questions will serve no other purpose than undermining the foundation of your relationship. When pillow talk begins driſting into “What if?” territory, Gemini would be wise to play possum – deep


rhythmical


breathing coupled with three or four sporadic arm twitches should convince your bedmate you’re a bit too asleep to field their wormcan-opening inquiries.


Cancer (June 21 to July 22) Cancer’s typical conversation topics are as predictable as a power slant on second and one; you need to inject some creativity into your discussion subjects. Weather-, Seinfeld-, and government- based conversations are the trademark of people who are either afraid to say what they are really thinking about or really are thinking about those dull things they talk about – either way, not a good stigma to have.


Leo (July 23 to August 22) Leo can expect a long week of dodging the particularly violent mood swings of your overworked, stress-filled mate. From the cuddling affection of a freshly fed kitten to the raging hostility of a wounded wild boar, the physical and vocal byproducts of your mate’s emotional pendulum may seem oddly familiar. Look in a mirror.


Virgo (August 23 to September 22) Removing your chest’s weighty burden is


a job requiring an independent


contractor – namely, a priest; two minutes in the big, wooden penalty box confessing your crimes to a Divinity Engineer will work wonders for wringing out your conscience. But while using God’s personal intercom will jettison your guilt, the legal consequences of your sinful behavior could make a move to Mexico Virgo’s top priority.


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