RECOILMAG.COM
NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST recoil CEO downsizes
Fake person wears real fur
own family New York, N.Y. – Swept up in the thrill of downscaling businesses, new Fannie Mae CEO ordered the “immediate and necessary downsizing” of his own family Monday night. “We’ve got to make some cuts around here,” said Hardwell from the head of his family dinner table. “Unfortunately, that means that some of our more expendable personnel will have to go.” Wife Judy scorned Hardwell’s decision:
“He’s just reorganization on an I’m-the-
new-CEO-everyone-watch-out-or-I’ll- downsize-us’ power trip.” Citing grocery budget concerns, Hardwell also stretched his
powers Tuesday
morning by ordering the downsizing of his son Eric’s breakfast from toast and eggs to just toast.
In-laws tolerable
Nation’s motorists demand to know what the fuck
Movie of the Week weak
when high Buffalo, N.Y. – Joining friends around a hookah Tursday evening, 25-year- old Kevin Hietsma confirmed that interacting with his wife’s family is decidedly more pleasant when high. “If I didn’t get stoned before sitting down to the [dinner] table with Lisa’s parents, I swear, I’d never make it,” Hietsma told friends. “Te conversation over there, the atmosphere of their house, it’s just excruciating. It’s too much for me to try to handle sober, that’s for sure.”
Above: Doomed couple Leana Harrison and Derek Fredricks.
Couple’s resolve to communicate more openly can lead to no good
Phoenix, Ariz. – Sources close to Derek Fredricks and Leana Harrison reported this week that the young couple’s inspired post-fight resolution to communicate in a more frequent, candid and straightforward manner can lead to no good. Opponents of the
July 26 decree said that although they applaud the lovers’ significant effort to facilitate an open relationship – one in which borderline- risky information or conversation topics are willingly shared without fear of heated contest – they harbor tremendous doubt that the uncensored airing of previously suppressed thoughts will improve the couple’s already turbulent relationship.
Los Angeles, Calif. – Veterinarians across the country are reacting to Monday’s release of a UCLA study claiming that as many as 90 percent of all
felines
currently being born in the United States will develop Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) during their first month as a kitten.
In the past, most kittens displaying the symptoms of ADD or ADHD were routinely misdiagnosed.
“Our research shows that an
overwhelming majority of kittens begin displaying classic symptoms of ADD and ADHD within their first two to three weeks of life, symptoms such as uncontrollable, aggressive hyperactivity, see KITTENS page 51
Leſt: Kittens displaying many of the tell-tale symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder.
Leana’s
“I don’t necessarily think Derek and decision
to Lot: “Tat’s the kind be more open
of idea that only looks good on paper.”
with each other was a good one,” said Harold Lot, Fredricks’ best friend since childhood. “Derek oſten confides [information] to me that would probably send Leana into a tizzy if she heard one word about it. Nothing
big, like affairs or anything, but just little shit that is probably best leſt not even mentioned because of the can of worms it could open up. Now he’s supposed to just mention this stuff to her and vice-versa? No way, man.” Added Lot: “Tat’s the sort of idea that looks good on paper but fails in practical see COUPLE page 51
Report: Alarming number of kittens being diagnosed with ADD
ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER SYMPTOMS • Short attention span
• Uncontrollable, aggressive hyperactivity • Undue inattentiveness • Constant squirming
• Easily distracted by irrelevant sights, sounds and extraneous stimuli
• Difficulty following instructions (written and/or oral)
• Often interrupting or intruding on others
• Often engage in physically dangerous activities without considering possible consequences
• Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
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