CLONE from page 21


color-by-numbers songs featuring catchy, preschool choruses and Ritalin-fueled tempos – these bands can not technically be classified as “clones” since they were not produced through the use of somatic cell nuclear transferring. Rolling Stone managing editor Ed


Needham reinforced Taylor’s contention: “Like most of today’s pop-punk acts, members of bands like Sum 41 take


representatives be expected to travel around the county on that seemingly endless search for trend-riding bands that look and sound the same as whatever bands are hot at the time.” Taylor emphasized that although ACT


selected a power pop-punk act as the subject of their cloning experiments, the technology, once perfected, will have extraordinary diverse applications. “Hip-hop, nu metal, gangsta rap,


Rolling Stone’s Ed Needham: “As much as Sum 41 may strive to


imitate Blink-182, they certainly can never pretend to have the same DNA. Tey’re really just copycats, not actual clones.”


their musical influence from seventies punk bands – but their DNA they take from their parents. As much as Sum 41 may strive to imitate Blink-182, they certainly can never pretend to have the same DNA. Tey’re really just copycats, not actual clones.” With a majority of mainstream music


enthusiasts keen on being spoon-fed album aſter album of brainless swill generated by cookie-cutter bands devoid of


an inkling of originality, ACT’s


technological advance is expected to revolutionize the music industry. “For record executives, band cloning


technology is a dream come true,” said Taylor. “No longer will label


CRIPS from page 21


King Blvd. – deep in the heart of well- known Crips-controlled territory – aſter having suffered a massive loss of motor oil due to numerous bullet and knife wounds. Pronounced “pretty much shot” on the scene by mechanics, the vehicle was immediately towed to an undisclosed body shop where it awaits repairs in a condition described by authorities as stable but not drivable. According to Los Angeles Chief of Police


William J. Bratton, the attack represents yet another episode of violence caused by the long-standing feud between the rival Crips and Bloods gangs. “Slash wounds have long been a known


trademark of Crips attacks, and the bloodmobile was found with both its front tires slit,” said LAPD Chief William J. Bratton, explaining some of


the evidence Chief Bratton expounded on details of


the attack and Los Angeles gang violence in general during a press conference Wednesday morning. “Each gang dons different colors to


signal their gang affiliation – blue is worn by Crips and red by Bloods,” said Bratton. “True, the bloodmobile is mostly white, but all of the RV’s signage was red. If you’re going to be driving through Crips country, that’s like painting a big target on the side of your car saying: shoot me, I’m with a Blood organization.” According to Officer Neil Avery, a


policeman on the scene, the bloodmobile was also found to be engaged in illegal behavior at the time of the attack. “When we searched the bloodmobile, we found [a] crack in the engine block,”


linking the two Crips members in custody to the crime. “Anything B lo o d-a f f i li a t e d intruding on Crips territory is obviously a target – even a harmless bloodmobile simply commuting between blood drives. Te attack is a message from the Crips to all Bloods and bloodmobiles: steer clear of Crips territory.”


page 24


Te Bloodmobile suffered a massive loss of motor oil


due to numerous bullet and knife wounds.


said Avery. “Crack, of course, is rampant among Los Angeles gang members. Tis helped us further identify the vehicle as being Blood-affiliated [sic].”


Pregnant wife now bitching for two


Accountant’s pencil, personality dull


contemporary, hardcore, emo – the possibilities are endless,” said Taylor. “Band cloning will guarantee there’s never a shortage of inane corporate schlock for radio to repeatedly cram down the public’s ear canals.” Taylor noted that while ACT’s


cloning technology could, in theory, be used to reproduce


bands that labor immensely to conjure innovative and articulate musical explorations that seem to transcend the very boundaries of the audio spectrum, such an application has yet to find a market. “Today’s discerning listener doesn’t


want any of this artsy-fartsy conceptual music crap,” said Taylor. “What’s more is expecting record executives – whose very jobs hinge on the success of the bands they sign – to take a chance on upcoming, potentially revolutionary artists with something unique and different to offer. I hear the last rep that tried that is now scraping barnacles off of rental boats in Haiti for twenty-five cents a day.”


EYE ON DICK DICKING AND DRIVING


Stripped of his legitimate driving privileges almost immediately after having earned them, former professional stunt driver and cultural icon Dick Bill recently began a campaign to get his driving rights legally restored. Having pledged to avoid drunk driving by swallow his car keys at the first sign of drunkenness (a public service being sponsored for Ace Hardware, who has already pressed 365 copies of the keys for the company’s first year of participation), Dick’s first obstacle to overcome in pursuit of a legal driving status was passing his driving exam. Below are the results of Dick’s first attempt at passing the mandatory driving test:


Pre-driving procedures: Immediately broke cigarette lighter and managed to chew through seatbelt, but displayed mastery in adjusting mirrors.


Obeying traffic signs: Strictly obeyed signs’ commands, almost to a fault. Told students not to take signs’ orders so literally after stopping car and refusing to pull past a “Do Not Pass” sign.


Following distance: Consistently had trouble maintaining a safe distance a safe distance from other vehicles when they were loaded with hot women.


Overtaking vehicles: Problem understanding terminology; student was upset to learn that proper technique for “overtaking vehicles” in no way resembled pirates boarding other ships.


Driving in reverse: Started off shaky, but did much better after taking “neck pills” and removing welding goggles.


Incidents: 1. Almost killed pedestrian, although it technically didn’t count against his driving score because student left vehicle and ran him down on foot screaming something about “bad acid” before assaulting pedestrian in alleyway. 2. When briefly followed by police car, student handed instructor a small paper bag and asked for me to hold it for him. Contents unknown.


FAILED


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