A page from the Recoil handbook... Visiting Your Public Library


Tough the Internet has largely usurped public libraries as Americans’ preferred information resource, libraries remain a viable research tool. Here are some tips for making your trip to the library a fruitful one:


• If you’re doing research on European death metal bands, your first stop should be the information desk – the clerks are always up on all the latest shit.


• Aquatic life buffs will be interested to know that microfiche are now extinct in nearly all urban environments.


• Vampires have a hard time getting to the library during business hours. So if you’re considering becoming a vampire, keep in mind that you’re probably going to have to give up using the library. Hey, even being a vampire has its cons.


• If the only reading materials in the library are beer bottle labels and the only research materials available are shots of hard liquor, you’re not in a library – you’re in a bar.


• Ask the librarian to see the big dictionary. It’s really, really big! You won’t believe it, really. It’s that big.


• The occult section is a great place to meet fucked up sluts.


• There is rumored to be an office in the basement of the town library. Look in there, past the scrolls, for the trapdoor to the magic-user’s guild.


COACH from page 61


coaching session – especially when he knows I’m a recovering alcoholic – but like he’s always reminding me, I’ve got to trust him completely if he’s going to help me achieve my life goals,” said Paul Avery, a 34-year-old office clerk who enlisted Billings as his life coach nearly two months ago. “From what I’ve heard, most life coaches just talk with their clients over the phone or send them e-mails. Maybe Walter just thinks meeting over a few drinks is more personal or something.” Despite being thrice divorced and


twice implicated in Federal wire fraud investigations, Billings was licensed as a Professional Certified Coach with the International Coach Federation more than six months ago and has since developed a modest client base through his Internet web site. “As far as I can tell, Walter must take a


lot of his life coach meetings at Morgan’s [Tavern], because it seems like all of the bartenders there know his name and what he drinks by heart,” said Frank Larkin, one of Billings’ most recently added clients. “Not to mention that every time we meet he always seems like he’s already been there taking meetings for quite some time, judging by the number of cigarette butts, pull tabs and empty shot glasses sitting in front of him. The man’s obviously very dedicated to what he does, which is extremely inspiring.” Having little or no experience in


the recently popularized field of life coaching, the majority of Billings’ clients appear slow to question their coach’s choice of meeting place, nor his methods, appearance or professionalism. “One look at Walter and I knew he’d be


a great life coach, because he just looks like he’s been around the block about


page 64


a hundred times or so,” said Albert Holden, 35, another of Billings’ 12 current clients. “We’ve only just gotten started on the subjects of achieving personal satisfaction, breaking out of self-defeating behaviors and how to reward myself for my successes in life, so I don’t know that much about Walter’s techniques yet, but I can tell you for a fact that the man is sharp as a tack. He can tell you, for example, just by taste if his drink is even a single drop short on either gin or tonic.” Added Holden: “Walter promises that


he will have me doing the same within months, so that’s pretty impressive


I suppose it’s possible that he might not even have an


office. Come to think of it, he might not even have a home.”


– especially since you’re looking at someone who’s never been that much of a drinker.” Although Billings’ web site offers his


life coaching services through phone or e-mail contact, Holden said he does not mind meeting Billings at Morgan’s Tavern for counseling if the atmosphere helps his life coach feel more comfortable and better able to do his job. “I know a lot of people joking refer to a


local bar as ‘their office,’ but I’m starting to think Walter might be serious when he says it,” said Holden. “The only phone number I have for him is a cell phone, and I distinctly remember him saying that he does all of his e-mailing from the public library’s computers, so I suppose it’s possible that he might not even have an office. Come to think of it, he might not even have a home.”


• Considering the FBI’s new personal library record access, it’s best to counterbalance the checking out of Mein Kampf with a Te Horse Whisperer or two.


• Don’t be snooty; a library is just like a Barnes & Noble – except instead of whiny assholes drinking coffee and buying books you have smelly bums taking naps and stealing magazines.


• Lamenting the passing of the Dewy Decimal System card files really works on female librarians.


• Many libraries have a large video section. So fuck you, Blockbuster.


• Sadly, recent budget cutbacks have caused many libraries to cut down on catering, so bring your own beer and sandwiches.


• The library: the perfect supplier for your eBay auction business.


SURGEONS from page 61


go away eventually,” said Hudson, who remains in stable condition following the song’s removal. “In actuality, it just kept getting worse and worse.” Hudson said that although he was


able to concentrate adequately during important situations, periods spent performing monotonous tasks such as driving, painting or showering became mentally dominated by the hit song’s catchy melodies and quirky lyrics. “Certain sections of the song would


just keep cycling over and over in my head,” explained Hudson, who does not own any Barenaked Ladies CDs or other merchandise. “For example, that line in the verse that goes, ‘Chickity China the Chinese chicken / You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin’ – I’d just keep repeating it [mentally] for no reason. Then I’d even find myself breaking down the lyrics and actually trying to analyze them. That’s just plain unhealthy, as far as I’m concerned.” Unable to overcome the continuous


mental replaying of “One Week” – a song which captivated mainstream audiences and reached number one on the Billboard singles chart during the summer of 1998 – Hudson eventually divulged news of his illness to his wife only after his condition had reached a near-critical level of severity. “Thursday night, when Daniel finally


broke down and told me he had Barenaked Ladies song stuck in his head, I knew he must go going through an amazing amount of agony,” said Hudson’s wife, Maurine. “All week long, out of nowhere he’d been blurting out just that one part, ‘It’s been,’ mimicking that trademark voice. And then that would be it. I should’ve asked him right then and there what was up with that. If I could’ve


gotten him to tell me what was wrong with him, I would’ve demanded we get him help immediately.” One expert, however, confirmed that


even the people closest to Hudson would have had trouble diagnosing his condition with any degree of certainty. “Part of the trauma of having a song


stuck in your head is that other people rarely pick up on the mental torture the victim is experiencing,” said Dr. Howard Wolfen, a specialist in audio treatment. “Family members might have heard Daniel subconsciously humming the part that goes ‘I like the sushi ‘cause it’s never touched a frying pan’ a couple of times, but that would be one of the few physical symptoms associated with this condition. Unless the victim lets people know he has a song stuck in his head, he will simply continue to wallow in misery while those around him remain unaware of his condition.” Wolfen also claimed that victims are not


always willing to disclose their situation. “They’re usually too embarrassed to


admit what song is stuck in their head,” said Wolfen. “I once had a patient who went almost six months before seeking help because he was so embarrassed of what particular song had become embedded in his short-term memory. It was the Righteous Brothers classic, ‘You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin.’’” Sources close to Hudson confirm


that previous to his contracting the devastating mental ailment, Hudson had enjoyed a very healthy audio environment. Among his most prized possessions is a substantial CD and vinyl collection which contains such critically acclaimed titles as Radiohead’s Kid A, Wilco’s Yankee Foxtrot Hotel and Tool’s Undertow.


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