WORLDWIDE HEADLINES


Financial restructuring forces Heaven to cut 14,000


angel positions Heaven – Financially pressured by increasing overhead and declining revenues, Heaven today announced that it would be forced to cut approximately 14,000 angel positions – posts previously considered exclusive, long-term appointments. “It is unfortunate that those who have worked so hard to get a position in Heaven – what, with the strict adherence to worldly behavior guidelines and all – have to be let go,” God said at a recent press conference. “Unfortunately, to remain competitive, we have no choice but to make these permanent cuts,” God added. All angels are asked to report to their designated clouds at 8 a.m., May 24, when representatives will inform each angel as to whether or not their soul will continue to have an eternal position in Heaven.


November named November Awareness


Month Washington, D.C. – In an effort to educate the public regarding the importance of the month of November


BUSINESS Offshoot chain targets alternate market


Los Angeles, Calif. – Plague Pestilence & Beyond, an offshoot chain of the home décor mega-chain Bed Bath & Beyond, offers shoppers a large variety of darker- themed items that would be out of place amidst products found in Bed Bath & Beyond stores, company executives said at a store ribbon-cutting ceremony Monday. “You won’t find colorful throw pillows or decorative hand soaps at a Plague


Pestilence and Beyond location,” said Steven Temares, President and CEO of Bed Bath & Beyond Corporation, which owns the new Plague Pestilence & Beyond chain. “All of those goods and more are already available at any of our more than eight hundred Bed Bath and Beyond locations. Our new Plague Pestilence and Beyond stores, on the other hand, will cater to consumers who bear a more dark and gloomy disposition


and lifestyle – the alternative, emo and gothic crowds, in particular.” Specializing


in domestics, style that’s the linens,


bathroom and kitchen décor and home furnishings of a


polar opposite of its sister store, Plague Pestilence & Beyond is stocked floor-to-ceiling with items that are more likely to be found in the homes of more alternative-minded consumers. “Tere are a lot of consumers who prefer


“Items found here will much more “Items found here will much


more properly express the angst, pain and depression harbored by the purchaser than what’s available at Bed Bath and Beyond,” said Moore.


to decorate their homes or apartments with swords and daggers rather than floral paintings and stuffed bunnies,” said Temares, addressing a 400-plus crowd present at the ribbon-cutting of a Los Angeles location. “Tese folks were not being served by our Bed Bath and Beyond stores, so we created Plague Pestilence and Beyond with the intention of targeting this previously forgotten demographic.” Among the goods sold at the new chain


Above: A Los Angeles location of the new national chain store shortly aſter the ribbon-cutting ceremony. page 22


superstores are blood-stained candle holders, demon-possessed ouija boards, cryptic handmade craſts, artworks and other hard-to-find items essential for decorating the domiciles of today’s more dark-thinking, gloom-filled consumer.


properly express the angst, pain and depression harbored by the purchaser than what’s available at Bed Bath and Beyond,” said Marci Moore, vice president of marketing for Plague Pestilence & Beyond. “For a person who’s obsessed with death, or even just views life as some sort of torturous and inescapable gauntlet of perpetual misery onto which


their decaying soul has been forcibly thrust, Plague Pestilence and Beyond will be their one-stop home décor and furnishings store.” Moore explained how this quickly


growing demographic had previously gone ignored by national retailers. “For years, Goth-minded shoppers have


had no quick answer to questions such as, ‘Where can I go to purchase quality- made drink coasters with pentagrams sewn into them using the testicle hairs of sacrificed goats?’” said Moore. “Or maybe you’re looking for bleak, cryptic paintings of scorched landscapes being surveyed by the Four Horsemen or something of the like. Plague Pestilence and Beyond will carry a wide variety of these previously hard-to-find items that reflect the dark side of the human psyche.”


as a necessary component of the modern Roman calendar, senators from a number of states backed a proclamation Friday to recognize the entire month of November as November Awareness Month. “November Awareness Month is an important opportunity for all of us to remember that, were it not for the great month of November, the fall season would only last for two months, the National Football League would be reduced to having only a twelve-game season, and who knows what in the hell would happen to Tanksgiving,” said Senator Lamar Alexander [R-TN], who led the campaign to single-out the month for recognition. Earlier in his career, Alexander was credited with having the date of April 7, 2002 recognized as April 7 Awareness Day among residents of his home state of Tennessee.


Man dies doing


woman he loved St. Louis, Mo. – Friends of St. Louis resident Ben Styles said Tuesday that the 44-year-old accountant died doing the woman he loved when he expired from a heart attack brought on by sexual activity late Monday night. “If it was Ben’s time to go, at least he went while he was doing the woman he loved, his wife Jenna,” said Tate Morrison, Styles’ neighbor and good friend. “If there was one thing on this Earth that Ben loved doing, it was


his wife. As long as I’ve known Ben I’ve always known him to constantly be doing her, day and night. Doing that woman was what Ben lived for, so it seems appropriate that she should be who he died doing.” Medical records released to reporters Tuesday confirmed that Styles had previously experienced no medical problems as a result of doing the woman he loved.


Film studio refuses to show movie to critics,


audiences Hollywood, Calif. – Expanding on the same strategy that kept the film Snakes On A Plane from being shown to film critics before its release, executives at New Line Cinema announced Monday that the studio will protect its latest movie, Te Final Inch, from being seen by reviewers or international audiences both before and aſter the film’s Nov. 28 release date, in hopes of keeping negative opinions about the film from reaching potential moviegoers.


“Generally, the


theory behind not allowing film critics an advance screening of the picture is that the studio wants to try to make as much money as possible on the film before the public gets a chance to hear about how bad it is,” said film critic Jeffery Giddion. “However, by not even allowing paying audiences to view the movie, New Line is


trying to further expand that amount of time they have before negative word hits the streets and destroys the film’s earning potential.”


Date without job less attractive than date


without arm Miami, Fla. – Leslie Falk, a single, 29-year-old dental technician, confirmed Sunday that of the two men she dated on Friday and Saturday nights, she found the date who admitted to not being currently employed considerably


less


desirable than the date who did not have a right arm. “Daniel [Forrester] is a sweet guy and all, but apparently he hasn’t worked since April of last year, whereas Gene [Garber] had his arm lopped off by a combine during his childhood but is now a successful analyst for a large investment firm,” said Falk, recalling her first dates with the two men. “Sure, Gene’s been divorced twice and has, I think, four or maybe five children who he isn’t allowed to see for some reason, but at least he could afford to take me to a nice restaurant, which he paid for using his gold [Visa] card, I might add. Daniel, on the other hand, hasn’t even had a solid interview in months. It’s nothing personal against Daniel, but a girl has to have her standards.”


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