WORLDWIDE HEADLINES


Courtesy call anything but Omaha, Neb. – Describing his intrusive


dialing as a “courtesy call,” an anonymous bill collector interrupted Emily Taylor during the dinner hour Tuesday night to aggressively alert the 35-year-old homemaker regarding the overdue status of her cell phone bill. “Yes, Misses Taylor, this is a courtesy call from T-Mobile in regards of [sic] your account, showing that you currently owe a past due amount of one hundred thirty four dollars and seventy six cents; would you like to arrange to make a payment today?” the voice forcibly trumpeted during the unsolicited call, overpowering Taylor’s timid attempts to postpone the intrusive communication. “If that’s their version of courtesy, I’d really hate to hear what rude and obnoxious sounds like. Maybe it involves gunplay,” said Taylor.


Half of community members at anti-crime meeting look like they belong


in jail Atlanta, Ga. – Roughly half of the concerned community members that gathered at a coffee shop in the alternative district of Little Five Points to discuss a recent upsurge in crime Tuesday night themselves looked like they belonged behind bars, sources said following the meeting. “Te folks that make up the community of Little Five Points are, well, let’s just say they’re an eccentric group of people,” said Atlanta’s


EDITORIAL


Damn you, Google! Now my employees want a bunch of crazy shit in the workplace


I consider myself a decent, reasonable and generally well-liked boss. Or at least I always have – up until you guys, the


company in the world as far as offering its employees just about every luxury under the sun. Tese days, from what I can tell, the Google office appears to be more like a luxury vacation spa than a place of international business. Well, let me just say to you, Google, from the bottom of my heart: thanks a billion for setting the employee workplace bar so impossibly high that my meager attempts to lighten my own company’s office atmosphere, compared to yours, makes me look like Liona Helmsley. I for one know how important


By Dick Klein, manager


made-of-money internet giant Google, started upstaging every single other


page 46


keeping employee morale up is to running a profitable business. Tis is exactly why I’ve made the company spring for a hotdog cookout in my backyard every other summer, so employees can bond with management and their fellow laborers. Tat gig costs us upward of $500 bi-anually. But the


stuff you guys do is simply unreasonable to try to match: slides in place of stairs, foosball and ping-pong tables, five star chefs preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner – for FREE no less – pets allowed at work… and I hear now you’re even thinking about moving headquarters


you can hire some fresh college graduates who’ll accept half the salary of their more-experienced predecessors. When my employees drool over your


Jobs At Google page, with its photos of employees parking their


You want your employees happy,


but never so happy that they won’t eventually quit so you can hire


laptops and


some fresh college graduates who’ll accept half the salary of their more-experienced predecessors.


to a cruise ship off the coast of La Jolla. Did you ever stop to think that perhaps you’re going too far? I mean, sure, you want your employees happy, but never so happy that they won’t eventually quit so


keisters in lawn chairs in a sandbox, with their feet soaking in a wading pool while they work, my liſt of the ban on wearing colorful socks that is detailed on page 93 of our employee dress code manual sort of pales in comparison. When you happy, shiny management people are encouraging your employees to think and share ideas freely, without fear of a bureaucratic smack down and unpaid time off


for coming up with what eventually may prove to be winning strategies, how am I supposed to hold my head up when I trade my employees’ collective genius for see EDITORIAL page 47


Chief of Police Neil Gaines, who led the town hall-style meeting. “About half of the people there for the anti-crime meeting – many of them residents who are genuinely concerned about the safety of the area – had tattoos, odd piercings, leather


jackets, dreadlocks, mohawks,


you name it. From the look of them, I’m sure most of them, if they haven’t been there yet, will see the inside of a jail cell before long.” Gaines supposed that had he had reasonable cause to search each person at the meeting, at least 50 percent of the roughly 200 people in attendance would likely have been immediately arrested on drug possession charges.


Furious meteorologist forecasts major


shitstorm Philadelphia, Penn. – Television news meteorologist Kent Moore, enraged by rumors of his wife Karrie’s infidelity moments before his live broadcast of the 6 p.m. weather report, forecasted that a “major shitstorm of epic proportion” would reign down upon his cheating wife before late evening Friday. “And if you are Karrie, the no good slut of a wife whom I’ve devoted my entire life to and never even once considered screwing around on, well then I’m afraid your part of the state is looking at a one hundred percent chance of there being a major fucking shitstorm the second I get home from work,” Moore reported using his soothing but sassy on-air voice. “So, just to recap, if you exchanged wedding vows with me eighteen years ago, you can expect to see a major storm tonight. You might want to consider moving into


a hotel at least until this storm settles.” Added Moore: “Now here’s Neil Warren with a look at sports.”


Man strains back applying back pain


cream Tempe, Ariz. – Elderly back pain sufferer Walter Matthews strained a muscle in his upper leſt back Friday when the 64-year- old retired plumber attempted to apply Ben Gay to his lower back, a painful area for which he has sought relief for years. “A friend recommended this cream – [he] said it would make me feel less pain in my lower back,” explained Matthews. “In a sense it did, because I pulled a [muscle] in my upper back trying to apply it and now that


spot hurts so


much that I don’t even really notice the pain in my lower back anymore.” “Let’s hear it for the miracle cure,” Matthews added sardonically. Matthews’


injury


comes only weeks aſter the widowed retiree, stretching awkwardly to apply the ointment to a tender calf muscle, incurred a tear-inducing Charlie horse in his upper thigh.


Planetary leaders agree global domination not what


it used to be Jalagana 5 – Amortis the Hated, feared leader of the planet Jalagana 5, agreed with members of the Interplanetary Leaders Conglomeration Tuesday when he voiced the opinion that being the sole


dominating force of a planet’s population is not as personally gratifying as it used to be. “Centuries ago, when I would arbitrarily decide to exterminate a section of a planet’s population, an increased sense of power, incomprehensible monetary gain, or at the very least a feeling of great pleasure, would always follow – but anymore it’s like, I don’t know, like it’s almost more of a headache than anything else, what with all of the public outcry and threats of uprising and all,” Amoris stated in loud Jalaganian tongue. Members of the Conglomerate, convening via holographic imaging system, groaned in universal agreement of Amorits’ venting.


Drug-seeking student accidentally sneaks


into math lab Atlanta, Ga. – An area high school student looking to score speed slipped into the Bedford High School math lab by mistake Tuesday. All Todd Hobson wanted was


to tiptoe without being


noticed into and out of a room which he believed contained a methamptheamine lab. However, upon carefully entering and gently closing the door, 13 Bedford High Mathmateers members greeted him with welcome eyes. Taken completely by surprise, Hobson pretended to harbor an interest in joinging the arithmetic fraternity and stayed for the remainder of


the four-hour session. Te school’s


math lab has caused mix-ups in the past; the common confusion is reportedly responsible for at least 30 percent of the Bedford High Mathmateers membership.


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