HOROSCOPES
Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21) Sexually overactive Sagittarius needs to either lose the pro-life stance or adopt a reliable method of barricading procreation’s persistent march. Tose not
ready for
parenting shouldn’t gamble with the possibility of pregnancy – one thing is for certain: if you play long enough in the poker game of unprotected sex, you will eventually end up with a full house.
Capricorn (December 22 to January 19) Your pet needs a reminder of exactly who is in charge. With all the housing, feeding, bathing and other pampering, you’re probably both a little confused as to the chain of command. But until domesticated
animals upgrade their
paws to include an opposable thumb – thus being able to operate the remote control – know that you are definitely calling the shots. Pets are merely your guests; remind them with a rainy night outdoors.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18) Te rainbow of Life hardly ever leads to a pot of gold – it usually leads to a cesspool of disappointment. Adopting a “money isn’t everything, love is the answer” attitude looks good on paper and sounds even better out loud, but in today’s materialistic world, money solves problems – whereas love usually just creates them.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20) Te standard Pisces foot fetish stems from the mistaken notion that your own feet are the most adorable stumps ever fused to the end of a set of legs; the general public is quite sick of you unsheathing them for self-admiration. Te truth be told, you wouldn’t know a good-looking foot if it was shoved up your ass, which, considering your current obsession with procrastination, is gaining in likelihood.
Aries (March 21 to April 19) Struggling musician Aries should consider pulling your wrinkling face out of your girlfriend’s refrigerator long enough to actually work on that glorious rock star career you’ve been predicting since high school. Remember that a musician’s age, when weighed against their success, indicates the difference between a struggling artist and a successful loser.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20) Mend marital communication breakdowns by reverting to the international human language: chess. Shiſting
your concentration from
emotion to strategy will allow for clearer thinking on the romantic front, where it’s important to maintain your sexual proficiency. Remember, ever since IBM’s Big Blue outplayed the world’s best chess player, battery-powered machinery threatens to pink slip any job normally reserved for humans.
Gemini (May 21 to June 20) Te Internet is the perfect shovel
constructed between for
reclusive Gemini to expand that moat you’ve
yourself
and the rest of the world. Be careful that the impersonal nature of the chat
room doesn’t atrophy your social skills to a level at which even the simple act of returning videotapes becomes as fearsome as public speaking.
Cancer (June 21 to July 22) Te constant untidiness of Cancer’s house can be blamed on physics: the universe’s tendency toward chaos dictates that your house will always look like you only clean during the hurricane’s eye. Spend the morning cursing Einstein and then take a nap – there’s nothing like redirecting blame to wear a person out.
Leo (July 23 to August 22) When signing a contract, realize that time is money – you’ll soon find reading
an entire legal document,
especially the fine print, an irrelevant waste. Logistically, if whatever’s in fine print was of any importance at all, they certainly would have printed it a whole lot bigger. Get in the habit of making no two of your signatures look anywhere near alike, and your legal problems will be negligible.
Virgo (August 23 to September 22) Te innocent, logic-based life insights streaming from the mouths of children are usually dismissed as naïve babble by the jaded adult brain, which has forgotten that the simplest explanation for any situation is usually the correct one. Still, some child philosophies are too advanced for even contemplative Virgo to dissect. Example: what are you eating under there? Under where? Truly baffling.
Libra (September 23 to October 22) Tinking for yourself
is an idea that
needs to be force-fed into Libra’s malnourished frontal lobes; your willingness to thoughtlessly repeat learned behavior rivals those brain-dead rock pitchers fromTe Lottery. Don’t let society, tradition or television dictate your behavior – do what makes sense to you – but remember that rocking the boat will likely make everyone else want to throw you overboard.
Scorpio (October 23 to November 21) Martha Stewart may be a subtly sexy little number, but she sure has some whacked ideas; Scorpio would do well to NOT listen to her. Not every household decoration has to be so perfect it makes your friends and neighbors weep openly out of
jealousy. And for men, having
your house decorated just like Stewart’s clues everyone to who’s wearing the family pants – you know, those pink ones with the smiley patches sewn onto the ass.
recoilmag.com
FAMILY
Above: A photo from the 2008 Bradbury family reunion.
Stumbling attempt to socialize at family reunion results in commitment to organize next reunion
Piedmont, Ga. – Susan Bradbury, a warmhearted yet reclusive member of the Bradbury family made an ill-conceived and stumbling impromptu attempt
to
socialize during her family’s annual reunion Sunday – a move Bradbury fears may have committed her to organizing the following year’s reunion party, a project with which she harbors no desire to be involved. “I was just trying to make my presence
known, so at least people could confirm that
I was there
before I cut out early,” said Bradbury, who admitted to routinely being tongue-tied when it comes to making conversation with relatives in a party atmosphere. “Unfortunately, during my half-hearted attempt to make small talk I apparently blurted out some insane nonsense about how much fun it must be to organize the reunion – you know, doing all of the planning and everything. Before I knew it I had been elected to organize next year’s reunion. I was like, ‘Okay, what just happened here?’” Bradbury said that the person most
asking me if she can e-mail me the list of family members’ addresses and the phone numbers of some banquet halls and all sorts of other stuff. Everybody was looking at me. Tere was nowhere to run. I was completely cornered.” Bradbury claimed that although she
“Everybody was looking
doesn’t recall ever officially agreeing to organize the 2013 Bradbury Reunion – adamantly insisting that she used the word “maybe” exclusively in her limited responses
to
at me. Tere was nowhere to run. I was completely cornered,” said Bradbury.
O’Donnell’s forceful suggestion – she now believes she is
committed to
spearheading the project.
“I think I’m pretty much screwed
because word has gotten around among the family that I’m in charge for next year,” said Bradbury. “I’ve already run into a few relatives that have said, ‘So, I hear you’re hosting next year’s reunion,’ or something to that effect. I have no idea how I could get out of doing it now. It’s not like someone’s going to offer to take the job off my hands.” Bradbury admitted that although she will
responsible for forcing the reins of next year’s reunion into her hands was Sandy O’Donnell, a distant cousin who had been in charge of organizing the reunion for the last four years. “All I said was that I had once designed
some [party] invitations and Sandy was all like, ‘Really? Because that’s basically all there is to it, and we need somebody to organize next year’s reunion. Why don’t you give it a try?’” said Bradbury, mimicking O’Donnell’s high-pitched voice. “Te next thing I know she’s standing in front of all of these people
most likely carry out the organizational duties for the 2013 reunion, she bears no intention of repeating the task for a second year. “I’ve already been trying to think of a
way of handing off the job to somebody else at next year’s party, probably much like the way Sandy did it to me,” said Bradbury. “If I can find somebody to volunteer, great, but one way or another, believe me, there’s no way in hell I’m getting stuck with this baton for another lap around the track. It’s getting shoved into somebody’s hand, whether they like it or not.”
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