SELF-HELP Sensitivity Meter


Are you emotionally equipped to handle human interaction? Zoological studies have shown that cruelty is a trait universally common to all mammals at every level of maturity. Consequentially, navigating today’s sea of emotional storms demands that one develop a strong mental hull. Find out how thick of a skin you’ve evolved by gauging your reaction to the following scenarios. Assign yourself


three points for


every answer of A, two points for B, one point for C and zero points for every D.


Which of these unexpected events would provoke the most personal grief? A. An immediate family member is killed by a drunk driver. B.A member of your favorite boy band is struck by tragedy. C. Your cellblock starts cracking down on prison rape. D. Your dental hygienist gets breast reduction surgery.


Which verbal exchange do you find the most embarrassing? A. Confessing your sins to a priest or lawyer. B.Tat part of the meeting when you have to introduce yourself as being an alcoholic. C. Admitting to your doctor that you really don’t mind the itching and swelling. D. Explaining to the cop how your pants got up in the tree in the first place.


What would you do if a friend mentioned he’s considering suicide? A. Phone police in a panic; refuse to leave his side until he’s counseled. B. Pretend you didn’t hear him and quickly change the subject. C. Delicately explain that killing someone else might make him feel better. D.Understand and support his decision; assist.


Which situation would you find most insulting? A. Having your sexual preference questioned. B. Being asked if you are pregnant because of your obesity. C. Someone questioning your sobriety before you drive home. D. Reading Recoil.


Which scene’s sheer beauty could bring you to tears? A. Children playing in a field on Sunday morning. B. Arefrigeratorcompletely filled with beer on Saturday night. C. A face card aſter doubling down on eleven. D. Anything while on mushrooms.


How do you best express your emotions? A. Writing a daily blog. B. Presenting thoroughly perverted performance art. C. Randomly demeaning or beating your spouse. D. Systematically executing international genocide.


If you scored… 18-15: You are a delicate flower struggling to survive in an emotionally barren wasteland. Calm your emotive hyperactivity by gobbling Prozac like it’s popcorn, before you cry yourself into dehydration. 14-10: No, you’re not exactly a geyser of drama drawing from a seemingly endless tear reserve, but consider your lack of party invites a hint that you’re a bit too emotionally unstable to appear in public. 9-5: Good for – you you’re rational enough to know that there is a specific time and place for expressing emotion: on bowling night, aſter your fiſth round of Blatz. 4-0: You must be of Vulcan descent. Take pride in your ability to repress public displays of emotion, even if it’s only because years of plastic surgery have soldered your tear ducts shut.


Above: Mentor Joel Jarvis. (Inset: Mentee Keith Senchuck.)


Area man a mentor to some poor bastard


Cleveland, Ohio – Unemployed area resident Joel Jarvis, 58, is a volunteer mentor to some poor bastard named Keith Senchuck, a local 14-year-old whose father abandoned him before he was born, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Mister Jarvis has been involved with


mentoring young Keith for almost three months now, frequently taking him to the library or out on scavenger hunts to collect and recycle aluminum cans or to salvage and sell copper wiring and whatnot,” said Gale Pierce, a representative of the United Way of Greater Cleveland, who organizes and watches over each mentor- mentee relationship in the organization’s program. “Mister Jarvis may be a man of limited means and prospects – such as a steady income – but he’s always more than happy to spend time with Keith by taking him along to help with [Jarvis’] projects.” Te United Way’s mentorship program


and experience upon a child in need. And from everything Keith has told me, his mentor is definitely spending plenty of time with him.” Senchuck, who has never met his


biological father, agreed that Jarvis has been more than generous in regards to taking time to be involved in the estranged high school sophomore’s life. “Even when we aren’t out making


cardboard signs on street corners, collecting hubcaps or selling car radios at pawn shops, Joel


is always hanging


“What had originally began as inane drunk-talk between


around our apartment, just chilling out, watching cable TV, using the phone or doing his laundry or whatever,” said Senchuck, detailing Jarvis’ steadfast commitment


to his


friends eventually blossomed into what we’re seeing double of here today, whatever this is.”


connects children who are at-risk or in need of a role model with adults who are willing to help prepare the mentee for oncoming challenges in life through psychological support. “A prospective mentor’s most important


qualification is that he or she be willing to donate their personal time – something Mister Jarvis apparently has more than enough of,” explained Pierce, describing the


bedraggled former landscaping


assistant as “very eager” to be assigned a protégé immediately upon completing two one-hour mentor training courses. “[Jarvis] said something about having ‘a lot of work that needed to be done,’ which I assume meant he was excited about imparting his knowledge, wisdom


role as a mentor. “Joel’s always wanting to cook for me, too. Even aſter I’m totally stuffed,


he’s always in the kitchen rummaging through the refrigerator for food. I’ve never seen anyone who can eat as much as Joel can.” Senchuck’s mother, Maria, who works an


aſternoon factory job full-time in order to provide for her son, said that although she’s yet to be formally introduced to Jarvis, she takes relief in knowing that her son has an adult male in his life from whom to draw influence. “I’m yet to meet ‘Uncle Joel,’ but


Keith says he’s an older gentleman who apparently likes backpacking and camping, and really loves to talk – to Keith, to the dog, to himself, to the toaster, whatever,” said Maria Senchuck. “Te man must really like to go shopping, too, because Keith says he has his own personal shopping cart that they push see MENTOR page 40


page 39


CHARITY


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