RECOILMAG.COM
NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST recoil
Mom fine Dayton, Ohio – Local auto repair shop
Atheist’s seat saved
owner Teddy Roland’s mom is ‘fine,’ reports childhood friend Kurt Baxter, who recently asked of the Roland family’s general well-being while dropping off his 1998 Dodge Caravan at Roland’s shop. Roland, 27, reportedly told Baxter, “Mom? Oh, yeah, mom’s fine. Stop by and see her if you’re in the area. She’d really be glad to see you.” Sources indicate that although glad Roland’s mom is fine, Baxter currently harbors no intentions to schedule a visit with the aging acquaintance.
Area asshole demands to know what you’re
Schizophrenic blogger convinced people are following him on Twitter
Pickin’s slim
Ada, Mich. – A majority of Cole Street residents are lauding the city’s recent decision to install a speed bump on the street’s 200 block – a move that has significantly lowered traffic speed for a 100-foot stretch of the four-mile-long suburban drive. “A lot of drivers use to barrel through
here like a bat out of hell. Not anymore,” said Misty Moorhead, the 40-year- old homeowner who spearheaded the neighborhood’s successful campaign for the speed regulator. “Now drivers have absolutely no choice but to slow down to a reasonable speed when they get about fiſty feet away [from the bump].” Moorhead’s successful bid for
governmental action began in late fall when, concerned for the safety of her two pre-teen children, Moorhead began writing letters to city council members requesting that a speed bump be installed see BUMP page 26
Right: Graphic illustration of the speed bump’s effect on traffic.
page 25
looking at Detroit, Mich. – Forty-two-year-old construction worker and noted asshole Don E. Williams demanded answers to tough questions Friday morning aſter the loud, arrogant man noticed you staring at him while he argued with the cashier at a local coffeehouse. “What the fuck are you looking at?” questioned Williams, spitting slightly as he shouted at you. “You got a problem or something? If you got a problem why don’t you come over here and let’s figure it out – how about that?” Aſter receiving no auditory response from you, Williams closed his questioning with a brief statement, saying, “Yeah, [I] didn’t think so.”
Above: Golden Nuggest housekeeper Rita Gonzales.
Las Vegas, Nev. – Rita Gonzales, a longtime housekeeper at the Golden Nugget Hotel & Casino in downtown Las Vegas, confirmed Tuesday that she has just about had it with finding hotel guests lying dead in their rooms nearly every morning. “Not another one,” remarked an
“I’d prefer to clean a bathtub that isn’t coated in human blood,” Gonzales said.
hell.” Gerard, whom investigators later
unwavering Gonzales, 42, upon entering the room of Los Angeles native Eric
confirmed of having died of a heroin overdose the night previous, represents see BODIES page 28
New speed bump successfully lowers traffic speed within 100-foot proximity
Gerard Tuesday morning. “Great, here we go again. Okay, well, time to call the cops and get ready for about eighteen hours of questioning. Wonderful. Just wonderful. Another workday shot all to
Vegas housekeeper about had it with finding dead people in rooms every morning
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