EDITORIAL Being green is a goddamned cakewalk


Tirty-some odd years ago, back when I recorded “It’s Not Easy Being Green,” no words could have been as dead-money


but easy. Nowadays, however, I’ll be the first one to stand up and agree that being green is a goddamned cakewalk. Granted, back when I recorded what


went on to become my signature tune, I wasn’t the same amphibian that I am today. It was the seventies; my worldwide fame was at an all-time high, the pressure of writing for each week’s episode of Te Muppet Show had me compulsively biting my finger webbing, and that obnoxious slut Ms. Piggy was constantly nagging me to put a ring on her hoof both on and off camera. It certainly was not an easy time for me, and walking around with that diseased-looking green skin tone only made my problems that much worse. Today, however, I find that some of the


By Kermit the Frog


true for a singer as were those powerful and emotive lyrics. No matter how corny it may have felt to sing other songs such as “Happy Feet” or “If I Were…,” I remember it was always easy to sing “It’s Not Easy Being Green” straight from the heart, because whoever wrote that song was obviously coming from the same place as me: being green and hating every second of it. Back in those days there were a lot of prejudices against those of color, and being green certainly was anything BROAD from page 73


see Queens of the Stone Age because she wanted him to help with a candle party she was hosting or some gay shit like that,” said Letchner. “When I naturally called bullshit on that, he gives me this whole heart-to-heart about really liking this broad and wanting to show her his devotion or whatever. And this was aſter we found out that Dave Grohl was going to play drums for Queens at that show. Tat’s when I knew Allen was in trouble – that whether he knew it or not, he was fighting for his life.” Letchner said that while he, Buteyin and


other male friends had embraced and enjoyed the bachelor life since graduating college in 2001 – a period in which Letchner insists


the foursome “lived


life to the fullest” through spontaneous, reckless behavior devoid of responsibility – Buteyin’s social agenda underwent significant change once his relationship with Coeling began. “Back before there was any Sheila, me


and Allen, [friend] Warren [Groenendal] and [friend] Nick [Bovenkamp] would spend just about every night hanging out,” said Letchner. “We weren’t always at the bar getting drunk and chasing tail or anything – a lot of the time we were just sitting around my place, playing video games, jamming some music and generally just wasting time. But the point is that we were doing nothing together. Now we’re lucky if Allen shows up to drink beer once a week because he’s


page 76


same situations that caused me to croon that simple melody at show aſter show with heartfelt conviction – “having to spend each day the color of the leaves” or the fact that “it seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things” – now actually make my life just that much easier! Because with lunatic fans constantly stalking me, paparazzi shooting photos, cops looking for a high-profile bust and everything else that comes with being a staple of the entertainment business, I’ll tell you, I thank my lucky stars every day now that I’m “not standing out like flashy sparkles


always busy doing God knows what with Sheila. And even when he does go out with us he always has to take off super early to get home and call Sheila. He’s like a walking corpse already.” Groenendal, who has known Buteyin high school,


since expressed similar


frustration regarding his close friend’s unfortunate path. “It’s tough to just stand there and do


nothing while you watch your friend heaving his entire life into the dumpster all over some chick,” said Groenendal. “Eventually Nick and Jeff and I decided to stage an intervention to try to get Allen to realize


that no girl is worth


trading your life for. We sat him down and told him that if he could see what we see, he wouldn’t be doing this to himself. But he just got real defensive and said we were jealous or some insane shit like that and bolted. Didn’t even finish his beer – which the old Allen would have considered a capital crime punishable by triple beer bong.” Tough Letchner, Groenendal and


Bovenkamp said they were disappointed with their inability to convince Buteyin to stop “tossing his life into the gutter for a broad,” the trio confirmed that they are resolute in their endeavor to save their friend’s life. “It’s frustrating, trying to help someone


so intent on destroying their existence by getting mixed up with a chick,” said Letchner. “Every time he gets mad at


in the water,” as the song’s lyrics describe, because being green gives me a decided advantage in maintaining my privacy. For example, whenever I’m doing studio


work and for one reason or another suddenly feel that I need a private moment, I can just duck in front of one of the green screens that they shoot against and voila – Kermit has leſt the building. Tis also works wonders for hanging around unnoticed to see who is saying what about you. It’s like being the invisible man! Actually, there are a lot of ways that being


naturally green helps me in my work as a beloved multimedia entertainer. Your normal Hollywood star, you see, can tend to look a little green in the face when they show up at the set in the morning coked to the gills aſter an all-night partying binge. Me, I can show up three sheets to the wind, as green as the day is long and nobody can suggest jack shit. And, of course, should anyone ever try, all I have to do is imply that they’re a skin-color obsessed racist and that pretty much puts the brakes on that line of questioning in an awful hurry, let me tell you. One thing I know is true: those few people who are


still willing to try to play the race card in Hollywood these days usually find that even their straight flushes aren’t going to win them too many pots, if you know what I mean. Also, and mind you, I can’t prove this,


Te idea of making those


cheap bastards want to open up their wallets to keep me happy, well, it just makes my


but personal experience has led me to believe that my green pigment emits a subliminal message that helps me get paid more generously during contract renewal negotiations. Green is, aſter all, the color of money. And when all of those studio executives sit down and interact with me in all of my green glory, subconsciously they’re seeing me as a walking, talking, endless bag of money. Tell me that doesn’t come in awful goddamned handy. Te idea of making those cheap bastards want to open up their wallets to keep me happy, well, it


just


green-assed throat swell up to about 10 times its normal size.


makes my green- assed throat swell up to about 10 times its


normal size. So no matter how much I’ve bitched


about it on record or screen over the past half-century, allow me please to just go on the record right here and now and verify the opposite: being green, baby – it’s the only way to be.


me for trying to stop him from buying himself a first class, one-way ticket to the suburbian death camp, part of me just wants to say, ‘Have a nice trip, Dufus.’ But another part of me wants to try to save him from going out like that, just like any


ZOLOFT from page 73


prescribed the drug in 2006. “It isn’t known at this time whether or


not there is any connection between Werner’s excessive use of antidepressants, his choice of writing device for his suicide note and his decision to take his own life,” said Tompson. “It’s difficult to place the blame for Werner’s suicide solely on Zoloſt® just because he used one of their pens to sign his final timecard. Remember, at his time of death he was also wearing a Xanax® t-shirt and carrying an Adderall® keychain.” According to police reports, Werner


was found dead on the floor of his San Francisco apartment Wednesday night, having shot himself once with a .45 caliber handgun in


the right YAWN from page 73


composure, blinked hard four times and then addressed the reporter’s question. “Well, exercise is always a great way


to keep the oxygen flowing and keep from yawning,” Jong-wook said. Aſter receiving blank stares from reporters, photographers, television crew members,


caterers, sound engineers, other WHO officials and even the guy who puts the cushy windscreens on the podium microphones, Jong-wook backpedaled, adding: “Yeah, you’re right: like that’s going to happen. So, no, there’s pretty much nothing anyone can do.”


temple,


just below the rim of his complimentary Paxil® visor.


Investigators said that from the looks


of Werner’s medicine cabinet – as well as his impressive collection of promotional pharmaceutical hats, pens, shirts and other products – doctors had pushed a dazzling array of medications upon Werner in an effort to treat his progressively worsening depression and anxiety. “Prozac®, Lithium®, Klonopin®, you


name it, this guy had it – and that’s just looking at his coffee mug collection,” Tompson said of Werner’s assortment of promotional housewares. “Werner’s medicine cabinet had so many pill bottles stacked up in it that there wasn’t even any room for a stick of deodorant. His doctor probably wore out ten Zoloſt® pens just writing up this guy’s prescriptions.”


one of my friends would no doubt do for me if it were my head on the block. I guess I just have to keep in mind that if I succeed, someday Allen will thank me for not letting him throw his life away over a broad.”–


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