A page from the Recoil handbook... Babysitting Tips


Babysitting is the first paying job for many teenagers. Although not terribly strenuous work, babysitting does require patience, care and responsibility. Below are some tips for first-timers:


• During your initial interview, remember to ask parents if they happen to own mint coin collections that they hardly ever look at and would not notice missing for months.


• Be sure the parents who asked you to babysit aren’t the couple recently profiled in the newspaper for having sextuplets.


• If you’re new to babysitting, it can be helpful to rent an instructional video, such as Adventures In Babysitting or Fight Club.


• Remember to always carry the frustrated babysitter’s secret weapon: duct tape.


• After the children are in bed and your boyfriend finally comes over, please, at least have the decency to put a darn towel on the couch.


• Turning up the television really loud will help drown out the sounds of babies crying or children screaming for help.


ALOE from page 45


decision reinforced its 2005 ruling that the Commerce Clause of the U.S. Constitution allows the federal government to ban the use of aloe vero for medical use, classifying the naturally occurring plant as a Class I Narcotic to be grouped alongside heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, LSD and other substances capable of invoking feelings of euphoria in the user. Public controversy surrounding aloe’s


legal status has escalated since 16 states have allowed authorized doctors to legally prescribe aloe as a medicinal aid for certain health ailments – an authorization in direct conflict with the Controlled Substances Act. With doctor’s orders, patients residing in these states can legally purchase, use and in some cases even grow aloe vera plants, the leaves of which yield a thick sap that can be used to relieve the pain generated by some skin conditions. Aloe legalization activists, having


long questioned the inclusion of aloe in the Controlled Substances Act, said authorities are “acting out of drug paranoia” in the continued suppression of aloe’s legality. “It’s unfortunate that the Supreme Court


imposed faulty logic in continuing this country’s inherently doomed war on drugs, rather than seeing the legalization of aloe for what it is: a health care issue,” said Santa Clara University law professor Gerald Uelmen, spokesman for Legalize It!, a pro-aloe activist organization. “Aloe can relieve the pain that accompanies oxidation of a burn wound. Further, there is evidence that aloe can aid digestion and be used as a healing agent


page 48


for digestive problems.” “No one’s asking for full-blown aloe


legalization – not in this case, anyway,” added Uelmen. Pro-aloe activists insist that since


aloe plants occur naturally in the environment, use of the plant and its extract should not be – and in theory, can not be – controlled. It is believed that as much as 40 percent of the nation’s current populace privately uses aloe illegally in their homes. Legalize It! volunteer and pro-aloe


activist Jesse Knoll said he disagrees with the government’s position that it is legal to use manmade antiseptics like hydrogen peroxide and isopropyl alcohol – which often incite hostile reactions in the user – while aloe remains a controlled substance. “It’s like, aloe, you know, man, comes


out naturally right from Mother Earth, like it’s nature’s gift to humanity. That such a gift is illegal just blows my mind,” said Knoll, who admits to occasionally purchasing aloe for his personal home use. “Aloe is like the mildest [of antiseptics]. When I use aloe, it’s like, ‘Oh, yeah.’ It totally mellows me out. Not like [hydrogen] peroxide. That shit makes me scream.” Knoll refused to elaborate on the


events surrounding his past arrests for medicinally using aloe vera; Knoll was cited for aloe possession in 1988 at a busted college party, when “a whole bunch of us were getting burned,” and again in 1993 after police searched Knoll’s car after suspecting Knoll had recently used aloe to repress the pain of the burns on his face.


• Only allow each child one package of matches per night. Once those are gone, that’s it, no more matches until next time.


• Only let the children play with toys that have sharp edges or points if there is good lighting in the room.


• If a child insists that the toy he wants to play with does not present a choking hazard, well, then, make him prove it. Yeah, not so smart now, are you, purple boy?


• If the kids want to watch television, pop in a DVD that has those Christian talking vegetables or some shit like that.


• At the end of the night, decide which child has been the most well behaved and then send a message to the other children by telling them how much better that child is than them, and that no matter what they accomplish in life,


NOVELIST from page 45


pretty much tune her out whenever she starts talking at length about her family, childhood, recent problems or one of the other half-million painful boring stories that she feels obligated to divulge at the drop of a hat.” Morris said that although each of


Steinberg’s four published novels incorporate at least a couple of the author’s unremarkable


real-life


experiences, For Te Ages, a morose tale of a small-town girl’s desperate struggle to escape the work-a-day life of her perpetually unhappy middle- class parents, draws an unapologetical parallel to the author’s mind-numbingly dull upbringing. “Everything that


talented writer puts the experience onto paper in the form of fiction. “Traditionally, great prose is born


of personal experience,” said Sims. “Granted, that personal experience is usually some sort of unimaginable personal tragedy or fiery romance, but in the case of authors such as Colleen, that experience can be an event as commonplace and emotionally lifeless as failing to make the pom-pon squad three decades ago or running out of sticky notes on Sweetest Day.” Sims agreed that listening to Steinberg


“At least with her books there’s usually enough


happens to Daphne in For Te Ages is pulled straight from Colleen’s life growing up in Tennessee – just as she’ll try to explain to you in great detail if you give her half a chance,” said Morris. “Don’t get me wrong, I love Colleen, but Lord knows why she thinks anyone would be the least bit interested in hearing a half-hour story about the time the dog she had in high school got sprayed by a skunk.” “At least with her books there’s usually


enough fiction and exaggeration worked in to make her real-life stories mildly alluring,” Morris added. Steinberg’s editor, Audrey Sims of


Shining Beacon Books, was quick to point out that even the most trivial and humdrum of life experiences can magically be brought to life when a


orally chronicle the highpoints of her notably mundane existence


is


fiction and exaggeration worked in to make her real-life stories mildly alluring,” Morris added.


significantly appealing


less than


reading versions of similar accounts in her novels. “You know that sense


of boredom you get when someone insists


on telling you all about a dream they had recently? That’s what it’s like listening to Colleen talk about anything that has to do with her life,” said Sims. “It’s so uninteresting that you’re practically in tears wishing someone would step in and interrupt you with a phone call or something. And the whole time all you can do is nod sympathetically and think about how sad it is that she doesn’t realize how much nobody cares.“ Sims added: “If Colleen ever does figure


out that she’s boring people to death with her stories, she’ll probably end up writing a best-selling book about it.”


they’ll never be as good as that child.


• Put away electronic toys that might burn or shock a child until they won’t fess up as to which one of them was going through your purse.


Page 1  |  Page 2  |  Page 3  |  Page 4  |  Page 5  |  Page 6  |  Page 7  |  Page 8  |  Page 9  |  Page 10  |  Page 11  |  Page 12  |  Page 13  |  Page 14  |  Page 15  |  Page 16  |  Page 17  |  Page 18  |  Page 19  |  Page 20  |  Page 21  |  Page 22  |  Page 23  |  Page 24  |  Page 25  |  Page 26  |  Page 27  |  Page 28  |  Page 29  |  Page 30  |  Page 31  |  Page 32  |  Page 33  |  Page 34  |  Page 35  |  Page 36  |  Page 37  |  Page 38  |  Page 39  |  Page 40  |  Page 41  |  Page 42  |  Page 43  |  Page 44  |  Page 45  |  Page 46  |  Page 47  |  Page 48  |  Page 49  |  Page 50  |  Page 51  |  Page 52  |  Page 53  |  Page 54  |  Page 55  |  Page 56  |  Page 57  |  Page 58  |  Page 59  |  Page 60  |  Page 61  |  Page 62  |  Page 63  |  Page 64  |  Page 65  |  Page 66  |  Page 67  |  Page 68  |  Page 69  |  Page 70  |  Page 71  |  Page 72  |  Page 73  |  Page 74  |  Page 75  |  Page 76  |  Page 77  |  Page 78  |  Page 79  |  Page 80  |  Page 81  |  Page 82  |  Page 83  |  Page 84  |  Page 85  |  Page 86  |  Page 87  |  Page 88  |  Page 89  |  Page 90  |  Page 91  |  Page 92  |  Page 93  |  Page 94  |  Page 95  |  Page 96  |  Page 97  |  Page 98  |  Page 99  |  Page 100  |  Page 101  |  Page 102  |  Page 103  |  Page 104  |  Page 105  |  Page 106  |  Page 107  |  Page 108  |  Page 109