EDITORIAL Road trip with female friend less sexual than envisioned
up the ideal opportunity for Hoffman to discover his penis, the 20-year-old just put her head on his chest and fell asleep watching Te Late Show with David Letterman. Based on Hoffman’s reputation at
Above: Hoffman and a visibly frustrated Kinsler take a short break from their 828-mile journey to not get even remotely intimate at a roadside rest area.
Seikston, Mo. – Aſter stopping for a bathroom break,
college “It’s like she’s never seen a dude before,” sophomore
Danny Kinsler announced Monday that his road trip with a female acquaintance is continuing to progress entirely without sexual activity, much to his disbelief and dismay. Kinsler, who selflessly offered to drive
fellow student Natalie Hoffman back to her home for their school’s summer break on his way to Florida, is struggling to comprehend how Hoffman has not even suggested the smallest amount of fooling around in the back seat of his Ford Mustang.
said Kinsler, who is completely fine with Hoffman 828 miles to not get some. “All I know is that I’ve taken girls as far as the grocery store in my Mustang and couldn’t keep them off of me.” Aside from the obvious sensual
environment created by his vehicle, Kinsler
had arranged overnight
accommodations at a motel to breakup the trip, telling Hoffman he could not drive straight through. He then ensured they shared a room with only one bed, feeling that rampant intercourse would be certain to ensue. Yet, despite setting
school fraternity functions, Kinsler has so far been dumbfounded by the utter lack of promiscuity shown by the sophomore environmental studies major. Also working in Kinsler’s favor are his months of built-up trust stemming from his friendship with Hoffman, who did not even have the courtesy to exit the motel bathroom in just a towel aſter showering, instead appearing fully clothed in sweatpants and a Colorado University hooded sweatshirt. “Tat’s not right,” said
Kinsler of the prudish Hoffman, who, upon accepting Johnson’s benevolent offer, apparently had no intention of performing even a simple act of oral sex on Kinsler’s behalf. “She said some crap about valuing me as a friend.” Kinsler has been attempting to
leg knowingly or expose her breasts in a playful manner. He wonders if an opportunity was squandered when he failed to look longingly into Hoffman’s eyes aſter she had playfully punched him in the arm exiting a Wendy’s restaurant. “Man, can you imagine if I had made
my move then?” queried Kinsler, who likely now is imagining a graphic fantasy involving the misuse of a chocolate Frosty. “Tat could have been it, but maybe if I fake car trouble later we can recreate that passion.” Currently 21 hours and 540 miles into
their journey to Atlanta, Ga., Hoffman has decided to fall asleep in the passenger
Kinsler is struggling to
comprehend how Hoffman has not even suggested the smallest
amount of fooling around in the back seat of his Ford Mustang.
seat rather than playfully flirt with and ultimately sexually pleasure the deserving Kinsler.
understand the events of the trip, hoping to gain an understanding of why Hoffman has failed to touch his
recoilmag.com A page from the Recoil handbook... Becoming Environmentally Conscious
More and more global citizens are becoming personally committed to caring for our fragile environment. Below are some tips for doing your part to protect Mother Earth:
• Recyclables need to be clean to be reused, so seal each item in disposable, polyethylene containers to ensure they make it to the recycling plant unsoiled.
• During the summer months, use a bicycle for transportation until you are no longer able – most likely because you and your 10-speed got run over by a Hummer and you’ll never again be able to bend your leſt knee.
• Be responsible with your used motor oil – plant it nice and deep in the ground so it has the best chance of growing a healthy new oil reserve.
• Think long-term: hold off on outfitting your home with solar panels unless you have it on good authority that the sun will still be able to occasionally poke through the smog in your area five years from now.
• You may be surprised to learn that setting your toaster to “light” instead of “medium” can save .00007 watts of energy per year.
• Use real peanuts instead of Styrofoam peanuts as packaging material. Note:
If, in addition to being
environmentally conscious, you’re also concerned about world hunger, face it – you’re just going to have to pick a side on this one.
page 86
• Find out all you can about the release of Greenhouse Gases. Te much anticipated debut CD from this NYC- based garage rock four-piece should be coming out on Lookout! Records within a couple of months.
• Get rid of all of those aerosol cans! In fact, take them out back and spray their contents out right now.
• Reject even those products that have labels bragging “Does not harm the environment” – they aren’t specifically doing anything to help the environment, now are they?
• Do you know that actress Daryl Hannah has a car that runs on French fry grease? Is that weird or what?
• By purchasing organic fruits and vegetables, you’ll be supporting farmers who don’t use dangerous pesticides, as well as experiencing the pleasure
of biting into a $21 watermelon.
• Find room to plant a tree, even if that means you have to plant it partially on your neighbor’s property. Hey, we’re trying to be environmentally conscious here, not courteous.
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