A page from the Recoil handbook... Burglary Prevention Tips


• Studies show that in the U.S. a home is burglarized every 15.4 seconds – so never leave the home for more than 15.3 seconds at a time. Carry a stopwatch if necessary.


• By definition, burglary is a non-confrontational crime – so if you’re a non-confrontational type of person, sounds like you’re pretty much fucked.


• If you have a vicious guard dog, make sure to post a sign that reads: “Do not be aware of the dog.” Tis will give your dog the element of surprise.


• A good rule of thumb for securing your front door is to add one deadbolt for every housing project within five miles of your home.


• Inform yourself! Check out some books by the Marquis de Sade, who wrote extensively about the nature of burglary. Oh, wait – actually, that was buggery.


• A majority of home burglaries occur while the victim is away at work or school. So if your parents are constantly riding you to stay in school or get a job, they’re probably just looking for an opportunity to loot your room.


WHOPPERS from page 1


to doing everything it can to help these folks find their fat little babies.” Moritz told reporters that the new packaging


Whoppers® follows the


same design concept made famous by the “Have you seen me?” milk carton campaign of the 1990s. “Each carton will feature a black and


white photo of an overweight missing child as well as information regarding the child’s height, weight, age and last known whereabouts,” said Moritz. “But we’re also including some extra information that may help citizens track down these kids: a list of the child’s favorite fast food restaurants, what kind of foods they are likely to be found around, what smells they respond to, what food stains were on the clothes they were wearing – that sort of thing.” Moritz pointed out that the classic


milk carton catchphrase “Have you seen me?” has also been modified to reflect the physical trait common to all of the children featured on the Whoppers® cartons. “We went with the phrase, ‘How could


you not have seen me?’” a straight-faced Moritz told reporters. “Look, you have to admit, one thing fat kids have going for them is that they’re easy to pick out of a crowd: they’re the ones at the playground sitting on the park bench, breathing heavily through their mouths while they rest up for a second trip down the slide. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that a few of us here today have actually


page 4


gawked at or made fun of at least one of these missing fat kids in the last year without even knowing the child was missing. We’re hoping that by putting these kids’ images on our cartons, people will recognize and try to help them in addition to making fun of them.” “I mean, instead of making fun of them,”


corrected Moritz. Hershey also hopes that by placing the


fat children’s photos on a product that the kids themselves are likely to seek out on a daily basis, the campaign may be more effective than the milk carton campaign in finding these missing children. “We believe there’s an excellent chance


that these kids could see their own picture while they’re polishing off another carton of Whoppers® or window shopping in the candy isle at Walgreens, and understand that their parents miss them and are trying to find them,” said Moritz. “Remember, not all missing kids are taken against their will – especially fat kids, who aren’t exactly the easiest ones to cram into a trunk in a rush. No, almost half of all missing children are runaways – well,


I guess the term ‘walkaways’


would maybe be more accurate in this case. ‘Waddleaways,’ perhaps. At any rate, our hope is that kids who have leſt home voluntarily will see that they are missed and go home – knowing there’ll be a fully stocked fridge waiting for them.”


recoilmag.com


Protecting your home from burglary should be a top priority for every family. Here are some tips to help fortify your castle: unguarded for an extended period of time, set fire to it.


• Advertise the fact that you own few expensive material possessions worth stealing by putting a “Vote for Kucinich” sign in your yard during election years.


• Remember to store the written copy of your home alarm system passcode at least 12 inches away from the keypad.


• Call 911 every hour or so. Te police enjoy testing r e s p o n s e times by c o n s ta n tl y driving out to your home for false alarms, and all that traffic ought to keep any w o u ld-b e crooks at bay.


• If you a b s o lut e l y must leave your home


PLOWED from page 1


engine crank up. Te shed door suddenly flew open and out flies Gene, driving that tractor as fast as it could possibly go for about ten feet before slamming on the brakes just in time to keep from ramming headfirst into our minivan.” Neighbors reported watching in


bemusement as Reynolds experienced great difficulty repositioning the family’s two cars into temporary parking spots on the city street. “If you’ve ever watched someone


having difficulty parallel parking a large car into a very small space, that’s pretty much what it looked like watching Gene trying to park on the street, despite the fact that there were no other cars anywhere in sight,” said neighbor Joel Anderson, who observed Reynolds’ activity through his living room window. “Moving the cars alone


wheels during turns,” added Anderson. Steering recklessly around the driveway


in no discernible pattern, oſten with the plow positioned a full foot above the snow, the plowed Reynolds managed to plow roughly half of the snow from the driveway, while also failing to negotiate a number of high-speed turns which resulted in the uprooting of soil from most of his front lawn and the complete destruction of a section of his wife’s prized shrubbery. “Someone in that condition shouldn’t


Neighbors watched in


bemusement as Reynolds experienced great difficulty


must have taken him twenty minutes, and the cars still ended up slanted and sitting about four feet from the curb. Ray Charles could have done a better job,” said Anderson. “But the real show didn’t begin until he got behind the wheel of that tractor. Tose things take some skill to operate when you’re stone sober, you know. Te combination of booze and operating motorized equipment is almost always a recipe for disaster.” “It was definitely the first time I’d seen someone put a lawn tractor up on two


repositioning the family’s two cars into temporary parking spots on the city street.


even be allowed to use a shovel, let alone drive that big lawn tractor,” said Anderson. “Although he never actually completely flipped the vehicle or crashed it into his house, he did fall out of his seat a couple of times. I also watched him accidentally drop a lit cigarette that landed


about two inches from the tractor’s open gas tank while he refueled aſter running out of gas.” Having successfully refueled, the plowed


Reynolds continued plowing until the arrival of two police cruisers caused him to suddenly abandon the project and retire for the evening. “Some of


the neighbors must have


called the cops, probably terrified that Gene was going to do them the favor of plowing their driveways for them,” said Margaret Reynolds.


• Understanding that most burglaries are carried out in order to finance drug habits, you can prevent penetration of your home by leaving small quantities of drugs outside your door.


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