COMMUNITY
Genealogy fanatic can trace his roots all the way back to some boring jerk you’ve never heard of
old can actually trace his bloodline all the way back to some boring jerk you’ve never heard of, source reported. “I’m sure you all know that genealogy
research is a bit of a passion for me, but what I may have never told some of you is that I can actually trace my family ancestry all the way back to Lucius Cornelius Balbus, who was a distinguished citizen of ancient Rome,” an excited Kaplan told an indifferent audience of eight during the serving of the main dinner course at his Midland home. “Balbus was an influential figure during Roman times and actually served as private secretary to Caesar, which I find simply fascinating.” Despite the obvious disinterest
Above: Genealogy enthusiast Brendan Kaplan, who has traced his family ancestory all the way back to some obscure Roman dink named Lucius Cornelius Balbus (inset).
Midland, Mich. – During a dinner party Saturday evening, local genealogy
enthusiast Brendan Kaplan explained to his guests in great detail that the 44-year-
expressed by his guests – none of whom had ever heard of Balbus, nor voiced an interest in Kaplan’s family tree – Kaplan continued his discourse on the ancient, no-name loser to whom he believes he is distantly related.
B.C.,
“Balbus lived during the last century and though he was originally
Despite the obvious disinterest expressed by his guests, Kaplan continued his discourse on the ancient, no-name loser to whom he believes he is distantly related.
from Spain, he was granted Roman citizenship and used his wealth to become one of the chief financiers in Rome,” said Kaplan. “He was friendly with all political parties and exerted influence on the major political figures of the last years of the Roman republic. In fact, it is widely believed that Balbus served
Octavian aſter Caesar’s murder.” Following a long awkward silence
broken only by the clanging of silverware and guest Chris Morris’ pronounced throat-clearing, Kaplan attempted to induce conversation on the subject, adding: “I’m sure you’re all familiar with Octavian.” Te host then spent the next few
minutes explaining that the Octavian of whom he spoke was not the villain in Spiderman 2 – a notion sardonically see JERK page 28
A page from the Recoil handbook... Writing A Screenplay
Writing for the silver screen can be a challenging and lucrative career. It is also the field of writing in which beginning wordsmiths notoriously encounter the most difficulty earning their first check. Here are some tips to help you wedge your foot in Hollywood’s doorway:
• Before you decide to become a screenwriter, check to make sure you are a white male between the ages of 20 and 40. No? Well, you could always try sports medicine.
• The quickest way to get your screenplay into the hands of a big Hollywood executive is to tape it to a bimbo actress’ ass.
• One of the most important parts of becoming a successful screenwriter is learning how to write a query letter. So go practice writing your faggy letters, queerboy.
• Unlike the music industry, you cannot sell your soul to Satan in exchange for success in the movie business – because anyone even remotely associated with the movie business wouldn’t have a soul to begin with.
• If you are asked to write a “spec script,” that means you’ll need to submit a script that has a lot of specifics in it.
• Movie executives generally won’t even read a script that’s more than 114 pages, so if you find your completed script running a little bit over, simply tear off the last bunch of pages.
• Print your script on hard stock paper to prevent movie executives from literally wiping their asses with it.
• Many screenplays are adapted from Broadway productions. Way too many.
• You can’t sell your screenplay by just chasing Steven Spielberg through a restaurant parking lot. Trust us on this one.
• Don’t be surprised if your first few screenplays are completely ignored by the industry. Remember, if your movie’s going to get made it’ll have to wait in line behind Gigli, Waterworld and Bubble Boy.
• Try not to get discouraged by rejections. Remember, even the guy who wrote Big had several other body- switch movies turned down before scoring a hit.
• The “perfect suburban family that is really quite dysfunctional
page 27
below the surface” story has been done a thousand times. So if you can’t think of anything else, do that.
• Know that it is not always correct to simply follow the industry trends – especially if that trend involves limiting the use of nudity.
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