Nation’s faint acquaintances demand to know how


it’s going Washington, D.C. – Seeking to break the long, awkward silence instilled by coincidental encounters with infrequently seen associates, a coalition of the nation’s faint acquaintances gathered at the country’s capital Friday, demanding to know how it’s going. “We have not seen you a long time, man,” the acquaintances’ spokesman Pete Tolls said at a press conference. “So tell me how in the heck things have been going with you?” Te nation shrugged before responding, “Good, good, you know; busy,” while racking its brain to remember recent occurrences worth noting,


such as the purchase of new


possessions, career changes, procreative endeavors or deaths in the family.


recoilmag.com SOX from page 45


league championship best-of-seven series aſter being down three games to none: the 1942 Toronto Maple Leafs, the 1975 New York Islanders, and, oh yeah, the 2004 Boston Red Sox,” said a confident Francona as he watched panicked outfielder Mike Cameron slam into the rink’s boards aſter being unable to execute a hockey stop. “Te point is this: our club has an extraordinary amount of experience [at playing baseball]. I for one think we’ll be serious contenders – as soon as


the


players get over being scared of slipping and cracking their heads open on the ice.” “Does it seem to


cold in here


already begun learning how to skate backward – expressed other concerns regarding the team’s transition. “I’m still trying to figure out who I


“Does it seem cold in here to you?” asked Francona, pulling an extra Red Sox


you?” asked Francona, pulling an extra Red Sox training jacket over the one he was already wearing. Despite weeks of witnessing his players’


struggle to master basic ice hockey skills – essentials such as correctly putting on their equipment, maintaining their balance and conditioning their bodies for a sport that actually involves athleticism and endurance – Francona had his morale considerably improved aſter a rink employee informed him that skate blades could be “sharpened,” a technique known to significantly improve a skater’s ability to maneuver, turn and stop. “Well, there you go,” said a relieved


Francona. “Tat explains why half the team can barely stand upright.” Francona said he plans to begin to


acclimate his players with the rules of the game as soon as he gains a full understanding of the offside rule. Boston’s designated hitter David Ortiz – one of three team members who have


training jacket over the one he was already wearing.


should charge if an opponent fires a puck at my head as an intimidation technique,” said Ortiz. “Instinctually, I’d just take a run at the player who shot it at my head, but this crazy game moves so fast I doubt I’ll ever be able to figure out who did it. Maybe I’ll just go aſter their goalie.” Sports analysts have voiced unanimous s k ep t ici sm regarding the Red Sox’s chances of winning an NHL championship anytime soon. “First off,


management will need to make some key trades in order to put


themselves in contention,” said YES Network sports commentator Jack Curry. “And that’s going to be hard, considering how few NHL clubs are actively looking to trade a valued skater for a right fielder who still doesn’t know how to properly tape his hockey bat.” Francona dismissed such negative


criticism, insisting that his team is one that has learned to overcome adversity and find ways to win no matter the circumstance. “Hey, before you go, one more thing:


can you tell me who the fuck this Bobby Orr guy is?” asked the longtime Boston native/Red Sox pitcher Bobby Jenks. “I keep hearing his name. Apparently, he was a defenseman for a Boston hockey team named, like, the Brewers or Bruisers or something like that. I guess it doesn’t matter; he certainly couldn’t be a great player like Wayne Gretzky, because I know who Wayne Gretzky is.”


EDITORIAL from page 46


a handful of Chuck E. Cheese tokens? As long as you do-Googlers keep


ramping up the employee morale to unmatchable heights, the majority of my employees are going to suffer from Google envy. You want your employees to get to know each other, to use each others’ creativity and positivity as a springboard for their own. You say a happy employee is a productive employee, and worker camaraderie results in problem solving strategies. I say that workers putting their heads together is more likely to result in a workers union, or the staging of a coup d’ etat. I’ve had it. I’m ditching the Mr. Nice


Guy attitude. I just can’t compete. Around here, a happy employee may give 100 percent, but a fearful employee will give 110 – if he or she wants to keep their job, that is. It’s an employer’s market right now; we’ve got them over a barrel and they know it. In fact, I think I’ll skip this year’s hot dog cookout, and use that money to purchase a gross of new pink slips pads.


HOROSCOPES


Taurus (April 20 to May 20) Taurus’ refusal to pull over for ambulance sirens is racking up negative karma equivalent to the combined cosmic demerits awarded for adultery, stealing from the blind, and teaching your kids to smoke. Sure, selfish driving will get you where you’re going a couple of seconds sooner, but you’ll pay for it in the aſterlife. I understand the stoplights in Hell stay red for 15 billion years at a time.


Gemini (May 21 to June 20) Give God credit for mustering enough ambition to launch His legendary Creator/Supreme Architect monopoly, a venture documented as being six long days of tedious, non-union labor. Tat’s a good example of how much can be accomplished without cable television numbing the creative ambition. Step away from the TV at least long enough to tell time by the position of the sun, rather than by the urgency in Regis’ voice.


Cancer (June 21 to July 22) Why in hell do you even own a television if you’re not going to spend every free moment watching it? Ignoring the brain-numbing discharge of the tube will invariably spark Cancer’s ambition and creativity – worthless traits that invariably lead to no good. Television has a designed purpose: to congest the industrious mind, so you won’t invent yet another way of destroying the planet, or at least some of the people on it.


Leo (July 23 to August 22) Tirsty, trendy Leo doesn’t seem to notice that bottled water companies have brainwashed the public into paying big dollars for a substance that flows readily from a household tap. If you’re genuinely convinced you must pay more than the cost of a beer to properly hydrate your body, then you, Leo, or whatever your name is, are indeed mentally congruent to ‘Evian’ spelled backwards.


Virgo (August 23 to September 22) Tat classic break-up condolence, “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” has provided its fair share of comfort during Virgo’s woeful times. But considering how bad your last relationship was, perhaps more applicable is the truthful axiom, “Better to have loved and lost than to have to live with a complete goddamned psycho for the rest of your life.”


Libra (September 23 to October 22) Cancer’s self-centered phone diplomacy explains why your telephone rings less than the Voluntary Audit


line at the


IRS. Hold and Call Waiting are rude, conversation-killing options used by the kind of selfish people who also don’t think twice about using someone else’s last squeeze of toothpaste on Monday morning. Call Ma Bell and cancel your caller-alienating options at once – they’ll put you on hold long enough for you to taste your own medicine.


Scorpio (October 23 to November 21) Scorpio’s job search is indeed a difficult endeavor; with your lack of qualifications and job experience, you’ll be lucky to land a seasonal gig chalking lines on football fields or mopping up peep-show


stalls. Your best angle is the “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know” theory – more specifically, it’s who you know that doesn’t know you well enough to think better of hiring you.


Sagittarius(November22to December 21) Tinking for yourself


is an idea that


needs to be force-fed into Sagittarius’ malnourished frontal lobes; your willingness to thoughtlessly repeat learned behavior rivals those brain-dead rock pitchers fromTe Lottery. Don’t let society, tradition or television dictate your behavior – do what makes sense to you – but remember that rocking the boat may make everyone else want to throw you overboard.


Capricorn (December 22 to January 19) Capricorn’s love of animals contradicts mankind’s self-preservation instincts. Remember, no matter how cute chimpanzees may be, any species intellectually capable of sign language, space travel and playing ice hockey is getting way too close to mounting a global takeover. Do whatever you can to hinder the simians’ advancements, for it is only a matter of time before apes team with computers to stick us humans in the cages. Won’t that be a hoot.


Aquarius (January 20 to February 18) Te way to a father’s heart is not through his stomach, it’s through leaving him the hell alone while he watches television. Sooner or later, you’re bound to have a power outage; when devoid of electronic amusement and faced with family conversation, Aquarius’ father naturally resorts to booze, which will loosen his tongue long enough for him to confess his true feelings: “Child, I love you very much – for not bothering me while I watch TV.”


Pisces (February 19 to March 20) Pisces’ blind support of the American military is indicative of someone who’s never fired a gun, let alone fired it at complete strangers you’ve been told to hate. Reconsider your “Die with your boots on” wartime attitude – that’s a bloodthirsty phrase most likely penned by


some warmonger politician who


never had to spoon his own soup, let alone dig one of those shallow graves otherwise known as foxholes.


Aries (March 21 to April 19) Te menace of Aries’ short temper is compounded by the convenience of today’s 24-hour superstores, which stock every caliber of ammunition needed for carrying out most


liquor-fueled,


impromptu acts of violence. No longer does anger have to wait until morning – but frugal Sagittarius should at least take the time to check for coupons.


page 47


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