A page from the Recoil handbook... Travel Tips


Whether on business or vacation, traveling can be a thrilling experience. Here are some tips to help you get the most out of your journey:


• Don’t believe what travel agents tell you about how dangerous it is to visit places like Libya, Syria or North Korea – they’re just trying to throw you off track so they can keep all of the cool destinations for themselves.


• Considering the level of anti-American sentiment currently abounding overseas, you’ll have to claim to be Canadian unless you’re willing to risk getting lynched. It’s a tough choice, I know.


• There’s a lot more to ocean cruises than just eating and drinking. There’s also a great deal of throwing up.


• If you lose your visa while traveling abroad, you’re likely to encounter problems trying to reenter the United States. Officials will oſten demand to witness you offhandedly shoot someone in order to prove you’re an American.


• Absolutely never crack jokes about bombs at the airport unless it’s really, really funny.


• Remember that many countries require motorists to drive on the opposite side of the road, so you need to steer in the opposite direction of which way you’re turning. No, wait – you need to turn in the opposite direction of the way you want to go. No, that isn’t it either. Maybe it’s that you need to drive in the opposite direction of where you’re going? Boy, are other countries screwy!


• Many people are still unaware that most traveling can now be done online.


• Before traveling to a foreign country you don’t know much about, it might be a good idea to find out if the nation’s government is currently implementing indescribably violent ethnic cleansing, and cross-reference that with your own ethnicity.


• When visiting European countries, you’ll find that relying on busses as your primary method of transportation sucks just as much as it does back home.


• When packing, keep in mind that you won’t get a good, clean hit unless you pack the pipe really tight.


• Be aware that once you leave U.S. borders, none of our laws apply to you anymore. And yet the laws of the country you are heading to do not apply to you either! You are invulnerable and immune. Like a god. You will make them all pay. They will rue the day, I tell you, rue the day.


• Discover the richness of Latino culture: visit Los Angeles.


PENNY from page 17


pennies gather in the pockets of its host’s apparel, where they oſten lay dormant for several weeks before a buildup begins to cause noticeable irritation.


“Purging the parasite buildup


just causes the pennies to spread to countertops and dashboards and so on,” said Chatham.


“Most consumers, though fully aware


they’ve contracted pennies, take their situation too lightly, thinking, ‘Oh, it’s just a few pennies,’ like they’ll just go away or something,” explained financial analyst Derek Chatham, who is acting as a consultant during the Treasury’s research. “If the host fails to alter his habits in regard to money exchanges, an increasing penny coagulation will eventually make it difficult for the host to perform even such simple, everyday tasks as finding change for a soda machine or selecting correct bus fare.” But the host’s discomfort


does not end there. Studies indicate that penny buildups can cause one or more asymmetric swellings to develop around the host’s lower torso, inhibiting free movement of the legs. Oſten, experts say, the host’s instinctual attempt to alleviate the irritation only amplifies its severity. “Purging the parasite buildup just causes


the


quarantining the pennies into 50- cent rolls or a glass jar may relieve the irritation, but it’s no cure. In other words, she might get the pennies out of the way, but they certainly aren’t going to go away.” For financial analysts


seeking a cure, unlocking the secrets of the penny has proved exceedingly difficult. Beyond the penny’s refusal to be broken


down into smaller units that could be more thoroughly examined, Rubin says that through more than 200 years of evolution and mutation, the penny has developed many unique strains that continue to circulate through our country’s financial system. “Currently, the most common strain of


penny in distinguished by contours that, oddly enough, resemble the bust of a male human,” Rubin said. “Other strains display anything from Indian arrowhead images to letters such as V.D.B. What


pennies to spread to countertops and dashboards and so on,” said Chatham. “Once a large number of pennies canvass a horizontal surface, their visual appearance can be incredibly foreboding. The victim, realizing how many pennies he’s contracted, becomes mentally overwhelmed.” Victim Jessica Jarrod, 25, recently


discovered she had contracted pennies while changing clothes a


a f t e r n o o n spending Said


Saturday spree.


Jarrod:


“I dumped a handful of pocket change


onto


the top of my bedroom television, and suddenly the whole surface was covered with pennies. It’s hard to explain the feeling you get seeing all those worthless units, knowing full well that you’re never going to be rid of them.” When informed of Jarrod’s episode,


recoilmag.com page 20


Chatham nodded his head in recognition. “See, this is what happens,” Chatham


said after a brief sigh. “I’ve seen it a thousand times. Her penny condition is now a serious problem. At this point,


Above: “Take a penny, leave a penny” recptacles are helping to reduce the penny’s spread.


these images mean and how they affect the penny’s survival instincts are matters yet to be determined.” With an estimated 1,040 new pennies


aſter Pennies gather in the pockets


of its host’s apparel, where they oſten lay dormant for several


weeks before a buildup begins to cause noticeable irritation.


entering the monetary system every second (30 million per day), and no cure or vaccine in sight, the penny menace has the Treasury Department scrambling to educate consumers about ways of impeding the spread of the epidemic. “We’ve mandated


that independent penny receptacles be placed near all cash registers that operate in highly


contaminated areas like gas stations and convenience stores,” Rubin explained, referring to a key prevention tool. “These receptacles are affixed with a slogan: ‘Take a penny, leave a penny.’ The hope is that when consumers make retail purchases – during which time they are most at-risk of infection – they will have the good sense to immediately discard the pennies into these receptacles. Specially trained military personnel will then quarantine and destroy the pennies.”


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