WORLDWIDE HEADLINES Milwaukee’s Best
voted World’s Worst Chicago, Ill. – Brewers, beer aficionados and critics
from around the world
convened for Chicago’s 2011World Beer Cup (WBC) Saturday to sample, vote and award prizes for the finest beers currently being craſted, while also disclosing the judges’ unanimous decision that Milwaukee’s Best – a rock-bottom-priced blend of dishwater and hops consumed in great quantities by the lest impoverish – retained its title as the World’s Worst beer currently manufactured in large quantities by an established brewery. “It’s not like Milwaukee brewing companies are incapable of craſting good beer; Miller High Life actually won the gold medal for ‘Best American-style Lager’ at the 2002 [World Beer] Cup,” said Dale Moore, public relations director for the annual competition. “I realistically can’t imagine any brewery purposely craſting a beer worse than Milwaukee’s Best anytime in the near future.” Moore confirmed that Milwaukee’s Best has now taken home the WBC’s World’s Worst title for an unprecedented 50 straight years, having won every year since its introduction in 1961. Controversy remains regarding this achievement, though, since WBC judges have continually disallowed Milwaukee’s Best Light
from competing for the
title on grounds that such a disgusting substance could not possibly be intended ANTS from page 41
we will need to sacrifice a chunk of hard candy here or an open packet of Sweet ‘N Low there,” said President Gerald Moon. “But my feeling is that we must stop these evil-doing children and their weapons of magnifying destruction.” Te Sycamore and 11th
colony has plans
in place to protect its worker ants, bread crumbs and other-side-of-street bases from magnifying glass attacks, but it currently has no plan and no budget to
SPYWARE from page 41
pop-up windows, also suggests that Americans over the age of 50 are more likely to click on these pop-ups. Furthermore, the computer-debilitating
spyware found that 80 percent of participants had third-party insidious soſtware on their personal computers prior to clicking on the pop-up survey that falsely promised to pay participants $500 for taking part. “Even the twenty percent of participants
that did not have any third-party spyware [on their computers] when the study began now have ours,” said Kent Young, code writer for the invasive soſtware that gauges privacy concerns and automatically redirects users to fraudulent e-commerce websites. “It also installs false spyware protection soſtware, so that when a user tries to run it, it only enhances my browser-redirecting program.” Te findings also suggest privacy fears are warranted in at least half of studied
cases. In fact, a person does not even need to be using a personal computer to have their identity or personal information stolen. “My friend told me I shouldn’t be an
organ donor,” said Molly Collins, a 52-year-old participant in the study. “She said they can pull all your information from the organ donor database or whatever and then they can start to do things like unlock your car and stuff.” Collins, whose Internet Explorer
browser is now mostly covered by spyware-installed toolbars, said she is considering getting rid of her computer because of her privacy worries. Te study of 4,452 Americans was
conducted in January of 2013, with participants selected randomly and without informed consent. Te survey was designed to gauge the level of security Americans feel when providing personal information online and to install vicious computer-attacking soſtware.
for human consumption. Child told not to do
that shit Dearborn, Mich. – Five-year-old kindergartener Kevin Sawyer continues to mess with the
television’s remote
control despite repeated scoldings, spankings and other punishments, said stepfather Bernard Greenwood. “I’ve told you not to do that shit!” screamed a noticeably agitated Greenwood, as the 43-year-old construction worker rose from his recliner and retrieved the remote unit from Sawyer during Saturday’s TNT James Bond marathon. Sawyer, whom Greenwood half-affectionately refers to as “that little bastard,” declined comment, instead opting to cry himself to sleep in a bedroom closet of his parents’ loveless home.
Four people’s 15 minutes of fame negated by Daylight
Savings Time Hollywood, Calif. – Variety editor Nicole Parsons expressed relative indifference Monday to the fact that the beginning of Daylight Savings Time March 13 will cancel out the 15 minutes of fame allotted to four of the world’s citizens. “Pushing our clocks ahead an hour means that four borderline celebrities won’t get
protect the Sycamore and 11th borders
by way of a MGDS, said Anthill Majority Leader Tom Spindel. Many Sycamore and 11th
residents feel
resources should be spent on domestic issues like cleaning up the colony’s gutter district, where many ants feel unsafe walking at night, or developing levees to protect sidewalk cracks that flood during rainstorms or when someone drops a McDonald’s cup.
their ‘fiſteen minutes of fame’ with a small blurb about gaining thirty pounds or getting caught screwing a hooker or whatever,” said Parsons, yawning as she paged through countless red carpet photographs of big name celebrities like Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. “It’s like, big deal, you know? So four talentless reality show personalities miss their chance to get chewed up and spit out of the Hollywood machine. Tey’ll probably be better off for it, if you ask me.” Asked about the possibility of shoving eight new faces into the 15-minute public spotlight when the nation sets its clocks back an hour Nov. 6, Parsons responded with a rational, professional conclusion: “Well, if Gerard Butler marries Mila Kunis or something huge like that, than no, certainly not. We simply won’t have enough pages to include the wannabes.”
Stricter seat belt law to ensure accident victims remain inside
car while being killed Lansing, Mich. – Despite
opposing
public outcry, state legislators this week increased the monetary penalty assessed to motorists who fail to wear a seat belt – an alteration expected to significantly decrease chances that accident victims will be thrown from their vehicles while being dismissed from existence. “Tis fiſty dollar fine increase will further
Recoil’s
encourage travelers to buckle up, helping ensure they’ll remain inside their vehicles while being killed,” Senator Virgil Smith (D-MI) proudly explained to reporters Monday. Legislators also confirmed a continuing lobby for tightened airbag deployment sensitivity, requiring airbag launch to accompany turbulence as subtle as the crossing as a speed bump.
Likes of which seen
before Santa Barbara, Calif. – Tousands of southern California residents are nonchalantly returning to their homes this week aſter authorities successfully contained a massive wildfire, the likes of which has been seen many times before tore through the state – scorching thousands of acres and destroying dozens of homes, as usual – late last month. “Te magnitude of
this wildfire was
just like anything we have seen before in this area,” said California State Fire Marshall Mark Moran, whose experience in fighting wildfires proved absolutely commonplace among the tens of area firefighters who worked their entire eight-hour shiſts battling the completely ordinary blaze. “You always know when something like this will happen. Also, no two wildfires ever behave anything unlike the other. Still, we are relieved to have contained this wildfire, the likes of which we’ll probably see again.”
- Instead of inventing the dehumidifier, they should have invented the demystifier. Tat way they could have instantly demystified the reason why it was so humid in the first place.
- People oſten get mad at whoever lets the cat out of the bag, but shouldn’t the anger be placed instead on the cruel person who shoved the cat into the bag?
- I’m willing to bet that if I put as much emphasis, money and time into drinking as possible, I could become an extraordinary alcoholic. Perhaps one of the all-time greats. I could also rack up a huge point total on my driver’s license.
- I think a great prize to give away at parties would be free incoming U.S. mail service for a year, provided the winner already has a mailbox.
- I know people oſten suffer ramifications for things they’ve said or done, but does anyone every suffer Rammsteinifications? Because that might be kind of cool, with all the fire and smoke and all that German shit going on while they’re playing “Du hast.”
- You know what can be a funny word to look at? “Ophthalmologist.” Just look at that word for a moment. Doesn’t it look kind of weird? If it does, you might need to see an ophthalmologist.
- If someone is betting you “dollars to doughnuts” regarding something, you’re probably getting the better end of the deal – especially if you have a bunch of day- old doughnuts you bought for $.50 each.
page 43
Shallow
Thoughts
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