Vet drinks more before 9 a.m. than most people drink all


day Allentown, Penn. – Retired U.S. Army Sergeant Henry “Hank” O’Boyle regu- larly consumes more alcohol before 9 a.m. than the average person drinks in an entire day, sources reported Monday. “Usually, he’s half in the bag before I even leave for work,” said Tom Wilmont, who has resided next to O’Boyle for eight years. “And he’s usually still going at it when I get home. You’ve got to admire that sort of dedication in a man.”


Woman considered dead by every conceivable criteria still pulling arm on


slot machine Las Vegas, Nev. – Tough pronounced legally dead by several on-hand physi- cians, Dorothy Melville, 68, continues to pull the arm on the quarter Haywire slot machine that the Philadelphia native has been playing since her arrival at the Star- dust Hotel & Casino two days ago, sourc- es report. “No pulse, not breathing, rigor mortis setting in – medically, it makes no sense,” said Dr. Herbert Holland, a vaca- tioning Detroit physician who examined the still-moving body of Melville. “Ten again, this is Vegas. Anything can hap- pen!” At time of press, sources could not confirm reports that Melville’s body had moved up to playing two machines simultaneously.


Bikini waxer strike becoming hairy situation


MENTOR from page 39


along with them wherever they go. I’m just thankful that Keith now has a male role model that he can look up to and trust for guidance in learning the value of a dollar, being responsible, establishing credibility and showing determination during times of hardship.” Despite spending large amounts of


time with Jarvis, Senchuck admitted that he knows very little about his mentor’s past, family, friends, hobbies, place of residence or future goals. “I’ve never come


right out and asked him, but I’m pretty sure


Joel doesn’t


own a car,” Senchuck stated in an uncertain tone aſter being asked personal questions regarding Jarvis. “Only because any time we go


page 40


Senchuck: “I think he might be into collecting coins, too, because he’s always digging around in our change jar at the apartment.”


anywhere we’re always on foot – or we take the bus. But I could be wrong about that because I asked Joel if he could teach me to drive and he said he thought he knew of a way he could get his hands on a car for a few hours – one that he wouldn’t care if I accidentally dinged it up a bit while practicing. Ten he pulled a wire clothes hanger out of one of his backpacks and bent it until it was long and straight with a little loop on the end of it. I’m not entirely sure what


all that


was about.” Added Senchuck:


“I think he might be into collecting coins, too, because he’s


always digging around in our change jar at the apartment.”


CRUE from page 37


of Universal Studios’ popular “Te Wizarding World of Harry Potter” attraction in Orlando, “Mötley Crüe’s Wild Side” aims to recreate and place the visitor in the middle of memorable events that occurred during the band’s drug-addled heyday of the 1980s. “‘Wild Side’ strives to replicate the


provocative visual presence and over- the-top hedonistic reputation by letting visitors relive incidents involving each individual member – Vince Neil, Nikki Sixx, Tommy Lee and Mick Mars – as these four perpetually inebriated lawbreakers somehow soiled their way to fame and fortune,” said Beal. According to Beal, the idea for the


Mötley Crüe theme park came together following the overwhelming reception of


the band’s best-selling, tell-all


autobiography, Te Dirt: Confessions of the World’s Most Notorious Rock Band, which piqued interest in the band’s reckless history and rekindled the band’s popularity during the new millennium. “[With Te Dirt] fans got a true glimpse


into the fascinatingly anarchic world of four narcissistic, uneducated drunks during the pinnacle of their success,” said Beal. “Readers were captivated by the revelations about what was actually going on behind the scenes during the Mötley Crüe dynasty years. Moreover, they wished that they could be the irresponsible, depraved, borderline- talented musicians who


could stumble Above: Motley Crue performs live in between members’ jail sentences.


band’s popularity. Inside the recreated set, visitors will be served free cocktails and be able to purchase elicit drugs from


their way through enormously successful careers without displaying a hint of self-control or regard for anyone but themselves. Now there is a place where fans cancome live out those dreams.” Among the many attractions at “Mötley


Crüe’s Wild Side” will be an exact replica of Hollywood’s famous Whiskey-A-Go- Go, the nightclub that helped launch the


Rounding out the park is a centrally located food court featuring themed eateries such as “Too Fast For Lunch,”


on-set actors. Visitors will also find a great location to ingest illegal substances in the expanded bathroom area of the set. Also available inside the detailed recreation will be a giſt shop, stripper cages and a highly unsterile tattoo parlor. “Audience members will get to participate in many of the park’s attractions, such as ‘Kickstart My Heart,’ which will give visitors the opportunity to relive Nikki Sixx’s 1987 near-fatal heroin overdose by jabbing two shots of adrenaline directly into the heart of a realistic human dummy bearing Sixx’s likeness. Also on display will be some of the actual spoons and other drug paraphernalia used by Sixx during the height of his chemical dependency, worldwide fame, and crazed, paranoid behavior. Other park attractions include “Teatre


of Pain,” which replicates the 1985 studio sessions in which the audience can watch live actors portray the roles of each band member as they feebly attempt to throw together arguably the band’s worst artistic effort while dealing with frequent


delinquency, internal squabbling, and the spontaneous demolition of high-priced recording equipment at any moment for absolutely no reason. Another major attraction,


“Shout at the Doughnut,” “Pamela’s Melon Heaven” and “Tommy’s Tube Steaks.”


“Tommy Lee’s Water Park,” will give park-goers their own chance to potentially drown in a recreation of the 2001 swimming pool tragedy that took place during Lee’s son’s fiſth birthday party. Tere is also an exact replica


of the actual jail cell Lee occupied for six months in 1998 for spousal abuse against his


celebrity wife, Pamela Anderson,


which can be reserved for overnight group lockdown events. Te water park also features “Mick Mar’s Vodka Extravaganza,” which will allow fans to watch a Mars lookalike almost drown in a hot tub because he was too drunk to sit upright during a photo shoot. “Vince Neil’s Hard Driving” will take


“‘Wild Side’ strives to replicate


the provocative visual presence and over-the-top hedonistic reputation by letting visitors


relive incidents involving each individual member,” said Beal.


riders on a interactive thrill-packed reenactment of Neil’s 1984 beer run- turned car accident, the death of passenger Nicholas “Razzle” Dingley of Hanoi Rocks, Neil’s arrest, fine and devastating 15-day jail sentence. Rounding out the is a centrally


park located food court featuring themed


eateries such as “Too Fast For Lunch,” “Shout at the Doughnut,” “Pamela’s Melon Heaven”


and “Tommy’s Tube


Steaks,” where servers encourage patrons to make amateur videos of themselves repeatedly fitting the entire oversized hot dog into their mouths.


Page 1  |  Page 2  |  Page 3  |  Page 4  |  Page 5  |  Page 6  |  Page 7  |  Page 8  |  Page 9  |  Page 10  |  Page 11  |  Page 12  |  Page 13  |  Page 14  |  Page 15  |  Page 16  |  Page 17  |  Page 18  |  Page 19  |  Page 20  |  Page 21  |  Page 22  |  Page 23  |  Page 24  |  Page 25  |  Page 26  |  Page 27  |  Page 28  |  Page 29  |  Page 30  |  Page 31  |  Page 32  |  Page 33  |  Page 34  |  Page 35  |  Page 36  |  Page 37  |  Page 38  |  Page 39  |  Page 40  |  Page 41  |  Page 42  |  Page 43  |  Page 44  |  Page 45  |  Page 46  |  Page 47  |  Page 48  |  Page 49  |  Page 50  |  Page 51  |  Page 52  |  Page 53  |  Page 54  |  Page 55  |  Page 56  |  Page 57  |  Page 58  |  Page 59  |  Page 60  |  Page 61  |  Page 62  |  Page 63  |  Page 64  |  Page 65  |  Page 66  |  Page 67  |  Page 68  |  Page 69  |  Page 70  |  Page 71  |  Page 72  |  Page 73  |  Page 74  |  Page 75  |  Page 76  |  Page 77  |  Page 78  |  Page 79  |  Page 80  |  Page 81  |  Page 82  |  Page 83  |  Page 84  |  Page 85  |  Page 86  |  Page 87  |  Page 88  |  Page 89  |  Page 90  |  Page 91  |  Page 92  |  Page 93  |  Page 94  |  Page 95  |  Page 96  |  Page 97  |  Page 98  |  Page 99  |  Page 100  |  Page 101  |  Page 102  |  Page 103  |  Page 104  |  Page 105  |  Page 106  |  Page 107  |  Page 108  |  Page 109