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NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST recoil
Life coach always wants to meet at bar
Above: Death metal band Asphyx. Heavy metal musicians have been found to be especially susceptible to RHS.
Study: 95 percent of metalheads suffer from Restless Head Syndrome
Above: Professional Certified Life Coach Walter Billings (leſt) listens to client Paul Avery while seated at the bar of Morgan’s Tavern.
Madison, Wis. – Clients of certified life coach Walter Billings confirmed
Friday that the 52-year-old independent contractor routinely suggests meeting his clients at a local tavern rather than communicating his expert life advice via more traditional means of telephone or e-mail.
“[Walter] just looks like he’s Broad cast
been around the block about a hundred times or so,” said Albert Holden.
“I guess it’s kind of weird that Walter always asks me to meet him downtown for a drink to conduct our weekly life see COACH page 64
Washington, D.C. – Researchers at Georgetown University announced Friday the results of a study showing that as many as 95 percent of all heavy metal music enthusiasts worldwide
suffer
from a disorder called Restless Head
Syndrome Simple behavioral
(RHS) – a condition characterized by an irresistible urge to repeatedly move one’s head in a violent up and down motion when listening to loud, heavy music. “Restless Head Syndrome has affected
young heavy metal music lovers for decades, but until now these folks have gone undiagnosed as suffering from an actual medical condition,” said Dr. Neil Graham, lead researcher in the study.
changes can ease RHS sufferer’s symptoms.
“As a result, many of these people have desperately turned to self-medicating – mostly by ingesting large amounts of caffeine and/or alcohol – which we now know only exacerbates their symptoms.” Te Georgetown
study showed that RHS mostly affects young males between the ages of 13 and
40 who listen to heavy metal music and tend to wear their hair long or styled as a mullet. Sufferers’ symptoms tend to worsen during the evening or night, with the fierce, repeated up and down motion oſten leading them to later suffer severe back pain, strained or pulled neck muscles, headaches or even whiplash.
see RHS page 63 Surgeons remove Barenaked Ladies song from area man’s head Schizophrenic man’s
sandwich not agreeing with him
quikSTAT
What in heaven’s name is taking us so long in the bathroom?
- Conceiving witty retort to stall graffiti insult - Trying to make stuffed crotch symmetrical - Just died on toilet - Processing seventh cappuccino - Determining relationship to equator - Finding it kind of hard to reach climax with you banging on the door like that
Gary, Ind. – In a desperate race against time, surgeons at Gary Methodist Hospital successfully removed a Barenaked Ladies
song from local
maintenance worker Daniel Hudson’s head early Friday aſternoon. According to doctors, the song –
“One Week,” from Barenaked Ladies’ breakthrough fiſth album, Stunt – became lodged in the 32-year-old’s head aſter his daughter repeatedly played and sang along with the wildly addictive tune in her bedroom last Saturday aſternoon. “Tat very evening I started hearing
pieces of [“One Week”] in my head,” said Hudson. “I knew that getting that stupid song [stuck] in my head was going to be a problem, but I figured it would just see SURGEONS page 64
Above: Surgeons race against time to remove the smash single “One Week” from Hudson’s head. page 61
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