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NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST recoil


Above: Two suburban teens too engrained into their lazy behavior to consider running away from home.


Report: 78 percent of angry teens too lazy to run away from home


Notre Dame, Ind. – Researchers at the University of Notre Dame announced Monday results of a three-year


study


which suggest that an overwhelming majority of today’s teenagers who are emphatically frustrated with their home life are simply too lazy to go through the process of running away from home. “For teens today who are really lazy –


Above: White gangsta wannabe James B. demonstrates the inferior shooting style.


Gangsta trend significantly reduces inner city gunshot fatalities


Los Angeles, Calif. – According to an article published in the October issue of Handguns magazine, a recent decline in fatalities resulting from inner city handgun shootings can be credited


to the thriving popularity of a flashy new gangsta-style


shooting technique


wherein the weapon is canted 180 degrees from its standard upright position when see TREND page 30


and these days that means about all of them – it


can be


a tough decision whether or not it’s worth going through all the trouble of running away from home,” said Dr. David Regal, lead researcher in the Notre Dame study, which surveyed more than 1,200 youths between the ages of 13 and 17. “It comes down to a matter of what’s more


Lansing, Mich. – Te line of customers waiting for assistance from counter attendants at the U.S. Postal Service’s downtown branch Friday aſternoon consisted of some of the most intense individuals imaginable, sources reported. “Go! Go! Tat’s you, exclaimed Kevin


go!”


Dunlop, encouraging the


elderly Above: Te Lansing, Mich., post office inside which the line formed.


ahead of him in line to approach an open attendant aſter the 74-year-old did not immediately step forward when called. Aſter pointing angrily toward the counter and slightly nudging the woman in that direction, Dunlop shook his head sharply and added, “Jesus Christ.”


bothersome to the teen, the fact that their fascist parents are making their lives a living hell, or the knowledge that the act of running away involves a whole bunch of manual labor such as packing clothes and having to walk all the way to the bus station.” Notre Dame’s study, the results of


“Te act of running away involves a whole bunch of manual labor such as


which will be published concurrently in the August issues of Scientific America and Teen Beat


magazines,


packing clothes and having to walk all the way to the bus station,” said Dr. Regal.


indicates that as many as 30 percent of current American teenagers are upset enough with their home situation to


have seriously considered running away from home during the last 18 months. Te study confirmed, however, that of see LAZY page 32


Line at post office comprised of most intense individuals imaginable Leslie Harper, 48, another visibly tense


“Tis is absolutely


ridiculous. Tey should have more people out here or something,”


woman Harper stated loudly.


member of the mega-impassioned procession, tapped her foot impatiently while intermittently toggling her fiery, frustrated stare back and forth between service personnel and her wristwatch. “Can you believe this?”


Harper asked of the complete stranger


in


line behind her. “Tis is absolutely ridiculous.


Tey should have more people out here or something.” Te collection of notably vehement


patrons formed at approximately 12:30 p.m. Friday aſternoon as the lunchtime traffic volume began to overwhelm the see LINE page 32 page 29


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