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Supreme Court bans medicinal use of aloe plant


Above: Designated hitter-turned-right defenseman David Ortiz, pitcher-turned-center Daniel Bard and catcher-turned-goalie Paul Hoover attempt to stay upright during a Boston Red Sox training scrimmage.


Boston Red Sox determined to end 94-year Stanley Cup drought


Above: FBI Aloe Division troopers raid the home of Kendra Kelly as she tends to her personal crop of recently outlawed aloe plants.


Washington, D.C. – Te U.S. Supreme Court unanimously ruled Monday that people using the aloe vera plant for medicinal purposes are not exempt from federal laws prohibiting use of the naturally occurring herb, which medical experts say can ease the suffering of burn victims.


“It is clear from the text of the [controlled


substances law] that Congress has determined the aloe vera plant has no medical benefits worthy of an exception,”


Te decision allows the federal government to classifying the naturally


occurring plant that invokes feelings of euphoria in the user as a Class I Narcotic.


Chief Justice John G. Roberts wrote for the court. Te


Supreme


Peacock’s father embarrassed by offspring’s shyness


Court’s recent see ALOE page 48


Fort Myers, Fla. – Seven years aſter the Boston Red Sox finally succeeded in bringing home their first Major League Baseball championship in 86 years, team executives confirmed Tuesday that the Red Sox’s 2011 season will focus on ending the team’s 94-year drought of winning the Stanley Cup – a pursuit that has eluded the club since the National Hockey League formed in 1917. “If there’s one


thing I learned during our [2004] triumph, it’s this: don’t ever tell a Red Sox player they can’t do something – it only increases their resolve to achieve,” boasted team manager Terry Francona, recalling the team’s glorious come-from-behind victory over the New York Yankees during the 2004 World Series. Francona then went back


to watching his players wildly flail their arms while shakily attempting to slalom through a column of generously spaced orange pylons at a Fort Myers, Fla., ice arena – this year’s home for Red Sox spring training. Aſter breaking the so-called “Curse of


“Does it seem cold in here to you?” asked Francona, pulling an extra Red Sox


the Bambino” – a popular reference to the Red Sox’s inability to win a title for 86 years following the sale of baseball legend Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees


in


training jacket over the one he was already wearing.


1919


– and having won another championship in 2007, the team’s


confidence appears to be at an all-time high as they vie for the 2011-2012 NHL Stanley Cup. “Remember, only three teams in the history of organized sport has won a see SOX page 47


Novelist incorporates real-life experiences she can’t otherwise get anyone to listen to


Seattle, Wash. – Friends and associates of 39-year-old fiction novelist Colleen Steinberg confirmed Wednesday that the moderately successful writer consistently weaves into her storylines tales of personal experience that she is otherwise unable to procure the slightest bit of interest in during friendly conversations. “Having known Colleen since


kindergarten, I oſten recognize parts of her books as being drawn from real- life events


she’s experienced,


Bakery worker out back getting baked


Gluten freed such as


having a borderline alcoholic for a step- father – just like the main character Daphne’s situation in For Te Ages,” said longtime friend Gale Morris, referring to Steinberg’s debut novel. “A lot of people close to Colleen don’t usually recognize these similarities, however, because they see NOVELIST page 48


Above: Steinberg weaves her boring experiences into her mediocre-selling mystery novels. page 45


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