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Ant governement calls for magnifying glass defense system
Washington, D.C. – Te Sycamore and 11th
ant colony could deploy a system
to protect its homeland from child- based magnifying glass attacks within 14 months, according to lobbying republicans. Conservative ants
argued on the Hill Tuesday to pursue the technologies needed to track, identify and destroy any such magnifying glass initiatives through what they call a Magnifying Glass Defense System (MGDS). In theory, the system would protect by
stationing
the Sycamore and 11th protective
technology at its borders. colony reflecting In a presentation from Lockheed Martin,
Te Magnifying Glass Defense System in theory would protect the Sycamore and 11th
stationing protective reflecting technology at its borders.
.
scientists explained how the reflectors would repel light in the opposite direction, thwarting any magnifying glass offensive and causing petulant adolescents to squint and retreat. “It only requires
colony by
the will to do it,” said Bill Grassleton, r e p r e s e n t i n g
residents of the Weed-In-Crack region of Sycamore and 11th
Pundits of the program said major
reallocation of what residents pick up and carry around would be necessary, but the result would be a safer colony. “Sure, see ANTS page 43
Above: GorgeDerm user Kathy Droge is one of the many weight-conscious consumers who would sing the product’s praises if she was able.
Johnson & Johnson test markets
new weight-loss patch Side-effects include improved marital relations
Above: Two children from the Sycamore and 11th area launch a devastatitng magnifying glass attack.
New Brunswick, N.J. – At Johnson & Johnson Corporation’s annual shareholders meeting Monday night, company officials expressed excitement regarding its ongoing test-marketing of GorgeDerm, a revolutionary new weight-loss patch which developers claim can help patients lose significant amounts of weight by curbing their ability to eat.
Internet privacy concerns rising, finds secret online spyware study
New York, N.Y. – As the theſt of credit card data and other personal information rose to record levels in 2012, so did privacy concerns over online shopping, a new secret online spyware study has found. According to secret data-gathering
soſtware, 59 percent of adult Americans are “very or extremely concerned” about the fate of personal information when shopping online, an increase from 43 percent in 2009. Te data, collected from Americans over the age of 26 via cleverly disguised
Above: Internet users unknowningly participate in the online study on privacy concerns. “One GorgeDerm patch placed over “My wife and I have gotten
along great since she started using the patch,” said Droge.
the mouth works all day to impede the patient’s consumption of proteins, fats, carbohydrates and other nutrients that can lead to obesity,” explained Johnson & Johnson Research and Development Team Leader Jonathon David, who spearheaded the product’s
development. “Te patch adheres itself to see PATCH page 44
see SPYWARE page 43 Cleric radical page 41
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